I cheated on my BF. Should I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
I cheated on my BF. Should I tell him?
21
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:09am
I know what I did was wrong. But I still want to explain myself. My BF and I have been having problems. He lives in a different state. I haven't seen him in months. He refuses to take time off work to come see me. I've even offered to go see him. Still he refuses to take time off work inorder to spend time with me. Also, we don't get an awful lot of phone time together. Most times, we only talk for a few minutes. He's always busy, always running off somewhere. I eventually got mad and told him that he never wants to talk to me. He said it wasn't a lack of wanting, but a lack of time. So I told him to make time. How I see it is that he would make time for me if he really wanted. Anyway, he said he couldn't and that I didn't understand his need for a social life. Social life? He can have his social life but don't exclude me out of his life. Well, at that point I got mad and never really brought up the subject again. I know I should have, but I didn't.

A couple of months ago I met another guy. He's a friend of my sister's BF and he moved in with them. We use to hang out together. We'd watch a movie, play cards, or play some kind of board game. I eventually started liking this guy and he started liking me.

Last week, I decided to break things off with my BF. I wanted more out of the relationship. I wanted to mean more to him and I didn't think I did. I wanted more of his time. I wanted him to make sacrafices for me when I was so willing to make sacrafices for him. But I didn't want to ask him for it. I didn't want to ask him to change for me. I've tried and he didn't listen. So I didn't expect things to work out. From the things he has said, I basically got the impression that his priorities (work and school) were more important to him than trying to make this relationship work.

So Friday night I called my BF up to break things off. But he didn't pick up. I wasn't aware of it at the time but he was at a concert. Just another thing he hadn't told me about. Well, later that evening I went to a club with my sister, her bf, and his friend. Afterwards, I spent the night at their place. I started out sleeping in the living room, but I ended up going into the other guy's room to lay down with him. Sometime in the night, we woke up kissing and continued kissing even after we were both awake. Things kind of moved from there. We didn't go all the way. I didn't let it go that far but I did let him touch me.

The next day, I tried breaking up with my BF. This time he listened to me and we ended up talking things out. He didn't want the relationship to end yet. He wanted to try working things out. He said he finally realized that he had been neglecting me and taking me for granted. He's willing to try to change all that. It came as a surprise to me. I didn't believe he would want to try to change. I hadn't felt like I was that special to him. So now we're still together. We're going to try to work this thing out. But there's still the fact that that one night happened and my BF doesn't know about it. I don't know if I should tell him. I believe he has the right to know. Technically, I did cheat on him. We were still together at the time.

I now realize that I only did what I did because I wanted to feel wanted. With the other guy, I felt wanted and I wasn't lonely. Also, I thought things were pretty much over between me and my BF. That's no excuse. I know. For we were still together even if I had intended on ending things.

Do I tell him and see where things go from there? If I tell him, I know he'll be hurt. I already lied to him. He had asked me if anything had happened between me and the other guy other than us just liking one another. I said no. There's was no point in hurting him anymore more than necessary. I had already broken up with him at the time.

Please help me. I'm not sure what's the best thing to do right now.

There's a few more things I should probably mention. I'm 22 yrs old. My BF is 20. The other guy is 29. I've been with my BF for the past 2 yrs and 5 months. I love him so much. He means so much to me. That's why I couldn't understand why I didn't seem to mean as much to him. He loves me too. I know he does. But I use to doubt him every so often. A lot of those times, it just didn't seem like it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:38am
You are not married to this guy, so you did not cheat on anyone. If there is something or someone in life that you would like to experience, and you don't because of the fear of "cheating" You are only cheating yourself. Unless you are married I don;t believe it is cheating at all. You didn't promise God to love this man forever, and besides what has he been doing in the "months" that it hs been since you've seen him? Trust me when I tell you I know men and I know that if you have not seen him in months he has been getting his physical needs met somewhere else. I know you may not want to believe this but I would bet money that he has not been 100% faithful. When a man no longer can make time for you it's usualyy because he is making it for someone else.

I would say don't tell him, what good can come of it? Besides you didn't even have sex with the guy, If you're gonna piss somebody off by telling them you've been with somemone else. At least get some first.

Just my thoughts...

Good Luck,

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:54am
I totally disagree, to the OP I don't see why you want to stay in this relationship, he doesn't come visit, you feel disrespected, you were so desperate for attention you started up a flirtation with another man and cheated on your boyfriend, the writings on the wall, your bf is not the guy for you, if he was you wouldn't have cheated. MOVE ON!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:53am
IMO sx82, you are too young to be so distraught over some guy so far away who doesn't even pay attention to you/ fulfill your needs, etc. I think you need to date others as well, and I'd dump the long distance guy.

I agree with POST 2 as well (many people won't) about cheating. You are NOT married to the guy. You are too young to be dating exclusively, IMO. Yes, I think if two have a committed relationship (exclusive talk) then cheating is perhaps a sign to move on.... but I also agree that we all need to explore our options, especially when we are NOT happy (I am not advocating being a slut or seeing more than one person indefinitely).

This is the MAIN problem with dating nowadays. We have sex immediately, and then expect each other to not date or see anyone else.... then we date for months to years figuring out if this person is 'the one'.... when we are wasting time waiting for marriage to happen..... often getting married and then figuring out it was wrong. Many, many, many years ago.... people did NOT stop dating others until they got engaged (ofcourse, many of these relationships did not invovle sex).... but that is what is supposed to happen. You are supposed to DATE MANY to figure out what is best for you! Expecting exclusivity immediately to me is crazy..... and to me, exclusivity should lead to engagement soon, otherwise, why be exclusive?

I'm interested to hear others thoughts.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 2:19pm
Regardless if you feel you have worked things out with him or not, I can promise you this guy is not into you. You won't want to beleive this...So I can only hope to save you much pain and energy by telling you this. I have been in your shoes. He is definitely seeing someone. You want a guy that makes you the center of his universe..in the romantic sense. He is crazy about you and will let you know it. This guy is not into you. I PROMISE...this relationship will go no where. Get out and find one that will.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 6:27pm
i dont think you have any right or are in any position to tell her that her bf is cheating on her. who are you to say? sure, maybe he's busy and doenst want to loose her and i agree that's no excuse for his behaviour where i would tell sx to get out b/c there's plenty other men who could and would be happy to treat her like gold

but where do you get off saying ?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 9:36pm
This is an opinion board where anyone can offer their opinion. So in that case...I have every right. Whether she wants to take my advice is absolutely her perogative. Unfortunately you missed my point....and that was empowering her not to settle for someone who is not into her....and to quit wasting her time thus allowing her to find someone who is into her.

Just "MY" humble opinion.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:07am
i hear what your saying

but you should have phrased it differently if it was your "opinion"

that sounded like you were preaching like you knew her life

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:07am
elvis in silence

(yanni 'swept away' playing in the background.....)

hmmm....shes been in the relationship for 2.5 yrs..quite long....as i was telling some one else...if the relationship took so much time...i doubt it would break so easily...and ppl are emotional...so it is only obvious that under circumstances ppl would do things that they would regret later...but hey....thats what makes us humans and not god....and i wudnt drop the idea that the boyfriend wasnt seeing some one else...but maybe he has realised the mistake he has done...and so he wants another chance...i say that if the relationship has taken so much time...its probably worth giving it some more...and see each other and get more intimate to understand a lil more....and when the situation is right...i believe that hearts have the ability to know the truth...and no matter how much one tries to hide it...hearts know...so i m pretty sure that the bf already knows in his heart that something has happened...and maybe the gf also knows that he has done something as well...is it much of a surprise considereing both have been out of touch? no....not at all...does that mean 'i quit'... to my opinion...no....not so easily...come my darling lets work it out once again...thats what my heart wud say..and believe me....love is heart...heart is love...so let love decide...not brain...so if both hearts are ready to give one more chance...then let it be...and i m pretty sure...things will work out...i feel that...coz the gurl's words say that...and something tells me the guy is ready to give it another chance...but i suggest to give some time until the heart is ready to accept the truth...and then when the time is right...when the hearts are locked into each other...just say it...and bcoz ur hearts are locked at that moment (maybe u r in the beach at night holding each others hand and looking into each others heart through the gates of the eyes)...u wud be able to see how much the other heart is hurt and u will be able to mend it...maybe through shedding a drop of tear..that will make the bf forgive everything and viceversa (sob...sob...sob...so romantic)...yup...thats my advice...(makes me bcome so emotional....sob...sob....love....yes....its worth forgiving....)

elvis_in_silence

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:26am
That's all well and good however doesn't answer the question on whether she should disclose to him her cheating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:03pm
I've been thinking myself that no one has actually answered my question. I thought I'd just wait until someone did but it was pointed out so I thought I'd go ahead and say something about it as well. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and opinions but I still don't know if I should tell my BF what happened. After all he deserves the truth. Yet, I don't see the point in hurting him now when everything is going well between us.

Would it be ok to keep this from him? I made a mistake and I'm sorry for it. Would it be another mistake to keep the truth from him?

Please help!

SX

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