I cheated on my BF. Should I tell him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
I cheated on my BF. Should I tell him?
21
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 10:09am
I know what I did was wrong. But I still want to explain myself. My BF and I have been having problems. He lives in a different state. I haven't seen him in months. He refuses to take time off work to come see me. I've even offered to go see him. Still he refuses to take time off work inorder to spend time with me. Also, we don't get an awful lot of phone time together. Most times, we only talk for a few minutes. He's always busy, always running off somewhere. I eventually got mad and told him that he never wants to talk to me. He said it wasn't a lack of wanting, but a lack of time. So I told him to make time. How I see it is that he would make time for me if he really wanted. Anyway, he said he couldn't and that I didn't understand his need for a social life. Social life? He can have his social life but don't exclude me out of his life. Well, at that point I got mad and never really brought up the subject again. I know I should have, but I didn't.

A couple of months ago I met another guy. He's a friend of my sister's BF and he moved in with them. We use to hang out together. We'd watch a movie, play cards, or play some kind of board game. I eventually started liking this guy and he started liking me.

Last week, I decided to break things off with my BF. I wanted more out of the relationship. I wanted to mean more to him and I didn't think I did. I wanted more of his time. I wanted him to make sacrafices for me when I was so willing to make sacrafices for him. But I didn't want to ask him for it. I didn't want to ask him to change for me. I've tried and he didn't listen. So I didn't expect things to work out. From the things he has said, I basically got the impression that his priorities (work and school) were more important to him than trying to make this relationship work.

So Friday night I called my BF up to break things off. But he didn't pick up. I wasn't aware of it at the time but he was at a concert. Just another thing he hadn't told me about. Well, later that evening I went to a club with my sister, her bf, and his friend. Afterwards, I spent the night at their place. I started out sleeping in the living room, but I ended up going into the other guy's room to lay down with him. Sometime in the night, we woke up kissing and continued kissing even after we were both awake. Things kind of moved from there. We didn't go all the way. I didn't let it go that far but I did let him touch me.

The next day, I tried breaking up with my BF. This time he listened to me and we ended up talking things out. He didn't want the relationship to end yet. He wanted to try working things out. He said he finally realized that he had been neglecting me and taking me for granted. He's willing to try to change all that. It came as a surprise to me. I didn't believe he would want to try to change. I hadn't felt like I was that special to him. So now we're still together. We're going to try to work this thing out. But there's still the fact that that one night happened and my BF doesn't know about it. I don't know if I should tell him. I believe he has the right to know. Technically, I did cheat on him. We were still together at the time.

I now realize that I only did what I did because I wanted to feel wanted. With the other guy, I felt wanted and I wasn't lonely. Also, I thought things were pretty much over between me and my BF. That's no excuse. I know. For we were still together even if I had intended on ending things.

Do I tell him and see where things go from there? If I tell him, I know he'll be hurt. I already lied to him. He had asked me if anything had happened between me and the other guy other than us just liking one another. I said no. There's was no point in hurting him anymore more than necessary. I had already broken up with him at the time.

Please help me. I'm not sure what's the best thing to do right now.

There's a few more things I should probably mention. I'm 22 yrs old. My BF is 20. The other guy is 29. I've been with my BF for the past 2 yrs and 5 months. I love him so much. He means so much to me. That's why I couldn't understand why I didn't seem to mean as much to him. He loves me too. I know he does. But I use to doubt him every so often. A lot of those times, it just didn't seem like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:17pm
I don't agree with withholding the truth, lies have a tendency of coming out. I don't think you should be with him anymore, but you do what you want. If you really want to base your relationship on honesty than you can tell him you went out with someone after you broke up with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 2:52pm
Obviously my post was lost on you then.

I specifically said " If I were you I would not tell him"

What would you gain by telling him? And why do you feel like you owe him honesty when he does not even make time to see you?

You are an adult ( I'm assuming )

What you do with your own body is your own business, So I fail to see what is so important about you coming clean to him. Why do you feel like you owe him this?

IF he was being all that you need, Hell even some of what you need you probably would not have cheated on him in the first place. But then again you didn't even have sex with this other guy. So to me it really looks like you are fishing for attention.

What the hell go ahead and tell him, He'll probably really dump you then, And then you can post about " I told my BF I cheated and he dumped me"

At this point I would say,

Do what you think you need to. This is ULTIMATELY YOUR DECISION ANYWAY. I think it is silly. Do you think he is being faithful to you when you only see him once or twice a month? And has hencome clean to you? ...... I'll bet money he hasn't.....And I'm not a gambling woman in the least.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:23pm
I agree. Which is why I said she shouldn't even go back to him, he disrespects her, he treats her poorly to the point where she is seeking attention from other men, seems to me the relationship isn't worth saving. Why bother. I don't care if it's 2.5 years, it's OBVIOUSLY not working or she wouldn't have cheated and he'd treat her better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 4:00pm
I agree with Posts. Why tell the guy? He hasn't treated you with respect, why should you respect him by telling him what you did when you two were on a 'break'. Doesn't seem like he has been honest about his thoughts/actions either. If you are crazy enough to try to work it out with this guy, he seems like the kind of guy that would fish for things and use your 'wandering' against you in the future and a 'reason' for cheating on YOU or breaking up with you later.

Don't tell him, DATE OTHERS

I think all the posts have given their opinion on whether or not to tell him- ultimately, it IS YOUR decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 2:44am
hmmm...didnt expect the kind of posts that came later...so...well...i dont know...myself...i live a life of truth...and want that through out my whole life...so my suggestion is that if u r willing to go on with the relation..then be ready to get it out of u...so that u r cooled down...but it wud be wise to do that only when the moment is right...just not going up straight and tell it on his face...hmmm...

elvis in silence
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 11:15am
ok, i know i am 4 years younger than you, but i have had a similar experience with a guy i just broke it off with 4 months ago...we had been dating since our sophmore years in highschool...we broke up right before prom...i cheated on him with my best guy friend. because he lived 45 minutes away in another state and he was in a band and we neevr talked and we rarely saw eachother. i got so fed up with it sometimes and we "talked it out plenty of times...but in the end it turns into heart break. because now you have tasted the forbidden fruit. but you also have to ask yourself if this guy the older one is what you really want...because my best guy friend wasnt what i wanted in the end...he was my escape from a failing relationship. you also have to ask yourself, "is he going to continue holding up this 'i am sorry for neglecting you' thing, or is he going to go back to the old routine?"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:12am
I just wanted everyone to know that I told my BF everything this weekend. Call me crazy if you want but I felt like I had to. It was eating at me. I don't think I could have lived in silence with that fact in the back of my mind. I still feel guilty for having done it, but my guilt has been eased a bit just knowing that I was honest enough to tell him about it. He was mad and he was hurt, but in the end he forgave me. He doesn't really understand why I did what I did. I don't know how to make him understand. Even though he doesn't understand, he still wants to make things work. His reason: because he loves me still.

Before I go, I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and advice. I know a lot of you thought I should leave him. I admit, I know I deserve better but I love him and I feel that as long as he is willing to forgive me and to try to make things better, then this relationship is worth another shot.

I hope you all understand and don't judge me too harshly.

SX

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 10:48am
Hey don't worry about us, you did what was best for you.

My advice, in the future not to cheat, instead if you are unhappy and it's leading you in the same direction again, address the issues with your boyfriend or end the relationship, he deserves more respect than that.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 12:03pm
Again I will say this is your business. Why did you bother asking anyones's advice when you knew you were going to tell him from the start. At this point I would say that by staying with him " YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE COMING TO YOU."

Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:08pm
I too agree. That is why I said..why bother? Why bother telling him...? Why bother worrying about him? Why bother with him? He is only showing her attention for the moment...will it last? I doubt it. ONLY because I have been there. However you are right..it is ultimately your decision to do what you want.

What did you do that you feel cheated? Nothing? I also agree that your focus to tell him what you did in the first place is for a reaction. Well you will definitely get a reaction, but I assure you, it won't be the one you want.

Sweetie...find a guy where your efforts are going to modes of spoiling him back, because he spoils you so much.

One day, you will be giving my same advice...Trust me.

Jodie

 

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