I clam up!
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I clam up!
| Thu, 06-15-2006 - 2:44am |
Okay. So I have a problem: I clam up every time I am around someone I like. I even do it on dates! I become so lost in thought as to what to add to the conversation that I end up not contributing anything at all and I come off as someone really quiet and reserved. My friends oft refer to me as being rather exuberant so I don't know what my problem is. Is it nerves? I have no clue. The strange thing is that I open up when I am around other people even if my date is still in the room. People always say to "be myself" but how do I do that when I am always trying to say the right things and avoid anything stupid? Please help!
Clueless,
~Jeff

Jeff,
Wish I could help you with this one. I am the same way. I am pretty shy, but enjoy flirting with men. However, I only flirt with men I am not interested in. How dumb is that? Obvioulsy, I have some fear of rejection, which I am guessing you do to.
Hard as it is, try to take the advice your friends give you and be yourself. What do you have to loose? Whoever you are trying to talk to may not respond, but you won't be left to wonder what if (a feeling I know well as some know from my recent post). Sounds like you have a strong base of friends, use them and try their advice. Win or lose they will be there for you.
Guess I should take some of my own advice.
This can be a vexing problem, because I think clamming up on a date is actually a form of social anxiety. You might benefit from some therapy with a specialist in the field. Look in your Yellow Pages for psychologist or other professional offering sessions or classes in social interaction, and if you look in your local paper I believe there are all kinds of support groups now.
Otherwise, the only thing I can suggest is that you think of the girl you're dating as a NORMAL person. Realize that she's as eager for you to like her as you are worried about her liking you. Ask a lot of open-ended questions... such as "Tell me what you would consider a really great day." Avoid questions that compel her to say "yes" or "no." Listen to what she says and then add in your own experiences. Remember that you're interesting and amusing when you talk to your friends, so think of your date as a friend.
I hope this helps a little. I wish you luck...
Edited 6/15/2006 11:35 pm ET by jilly73
Jeff...
While Pianoguy could write you off as "just being a shy guy"...he's gonna go in a different direction!
The only way to provide a clue to ANY WOMAN (or MAN) about yourself...is to 'share stuff and listen for the response!" Take your open, exhuberant personality out of the crowd and focus it on the lady you'd like to be with.
This doesn't mean BE OBNOXIOUS or LOUD! The more questions you ask of your partner, the easier it is to carry on a conversation. Once the comfort zone has been established, chatting about almost anything is 'a piece of cake!'
GOOD LUCK!
Pianoguy