I don't get this guy -

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
I don't get this guy -
7
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:25pm

Ok - gonna try to be brief, here...LOL! Brief is hard for me... Met a guy. He is just what the doctor ordered. Handsome, good personal hygiene, employed, single, financially stable... no obvious flaws. We emailed a bit to get to know each other again (we originally met 12 years ago). Then we went for coffee. One date led to another, over a three week period I guess we saw each other six or seven times. He has a really busy, public job, and explained that to me at the get-go. I was fine with that, my job is fairly demanding too, and I enjoy time to myself. So, in this early stage, I didn't call him unless he called me and asked me to call him back - I sent an occaisional email, but they were generally friendly & brief, of the "I am not working tomorrow, so I will be on my cell all day instead of email" variety. I never ever pressured him about seeing me, or doing anything with me, yet he would call regularly and ask for me to accompany him to an event, or dinner, or a movie.

Then came Saturday. I had last seen him on Wednesday night, when he called at the last minute to see if I wanted to go for dinner. He had unexpected free time. It was nice, relaxing, and it was good to just spend some time with him. He said that Thursday night he was busy playing soccer and Friday night he was going out with the boys (his buddies), but could I see him Saturday night? And Saturday, too? So we arranged to meet Saturday at the big Caribbean Days festival. He was in the parade and then he had to make some opening remarks for it. After that we spent some time at the festival, but he was with co-workers, so it wasn't very date-like. I was ok with that, because PDA's aren't really my style.

We split up for a few hours in the afternoon, then he took me out for dinner, a walk around the lantern festival, out for ice cream, and we rented a movie (Crash). So he sits and holds my hand or has his arm around me the whole movie, then afterwards turns to me and I get the "it's not you, it's me..." speech! I mean, it's 11:10 at night???!!! Six dates and he's running like a chicken from the axeman. He proceeded to tell me how stressful his job is, and how he knows he works too much, but that he didn't have the time or energy for a relationship. That he kept wanting to spend time with me, and that he was taking time away from work to do it, so he had to say goodbye... what a load of crap. The only thing I don't get is that I never pressured him, or anything, to spend time with me. In fact, I didn't call him, or ask him to go anywhere with me or anything. He did it all. Is he suffering from multiple personality disorder??? At dinner, he was saying how much he enjoys spending time with me! So I simply said how much I appreciated his honesty and that I hoped things went well for him. He then expected that I would want to hang out and watch TV for an hour - I was like, um, no, could you take me home, please? When he dropped me off, he tried to kiss me and told me he would call me on Sunday, and could we go out for coffee!!! I said I needed some time to think about it. I really don't understand it. But I am not going to waste time. I don't play games!

So does he really think I am that stupid? Apparently so. He called yesterday evening - when I didn't answer the house phone, he tried my cell. He caught me on the way home from the store... really took me off guard.

So apparently he wants to go out for coffee this week. Because he says "just because I am not in a place for a relationship, doesn't mean we shouldn't keep in touch and do stuff together, and keep up with what's going on in each other's lives". Yeah. Whatever. Bizarre.

I don't mind that he wants to be friends, but honestly, I have no interest in going out and hanging out with him on a regular basis. I know that I might not be his type, but I was honestly interested in him, and I have more than just friendly feelings towards him. I've never asked him to go out, I've never initiated a date with him, he did with me. So if he wants to "hang out" - well, I'll deal with that if & when he calls.

Anyone seen this behavior before? Advice on how to handle it other than what I'm doing??? Should I go for coffee?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:27pm

PS> Family & friends seem to have come to two conclusions:

1) He's not into me in that way, and for some reason wants to let me down easy

2) He want to be friends with benefits, without relationship (No way).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 10:21pm

well i'm sure everyone here will tell you it's a classic case of, he's not that into you. BUT it could be more than that. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he didnt like doing all the work? I see nothing wrong with the woman asking the man to go on a date or at least take the initiative to call and e-mail. You seemed sort of afraid to initiate contact with him like you would be bothering him? I know some say men like the chase, men like to pursue, but some men do like a woman to show interest by calling/contacting them as well.

Other than that...it sounds weird. I dont get why some men come on so strong in the beginning. To me 6 or 7 dates in 3 weeks is sort of a lot...i would definitely think the person was interested in me if we'd gone on that many dates in that time frame, especially if they had a busy job

Men are a mystery to me...i would just chalk it up to a weird dating experience

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:08am

It sounds like he spooked himself into thinking that if the two of you continued to see each other, he'd find himself in a situation where he had more obligations than he felt comfortable with. So he did the pre-emptive bail and hopes that you'll settle for "friends", which wouldn't impose obligations on him.

I think you are right to not be thinking that you should not meet him. You don't want to be his friend, you want to date him. If he calls, I'd say something along the lines of "call me if and when things calm down for you and you are open to dating again".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 2:29am
GUY HERE>>ALERT:::: Personally ... Ok I like it when a lady shows initative...Some guys are also players..ie...multiple "relationships"....When it gets serious..They bail...They don't want a "realtionship" or something that could lead to a more "serious" thing...Flat out ask him...Or better yet say adios...Nice knowin ya...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2006
Thu, 08-03-2006 - 8:47pm
Step away from the coffee...And the man! Seriously just forget about him. Even if things did work out to relationship status, he'd always be the one in control.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2005
Sat, 08-05-2006 - 5:21pm
run screaming from this game-playing jerk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 08-06-2006 - 12:58pm
It's good that you're clear on what is and isn't (ie.: friends with benefits) acceptable to you
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