I don't get it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
I don't get it...
4
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 10:09am

Mostly I'm pretty happy being single. I'm very confident, got a bunch of stuff going for me and get along with myself really well. I've finished graduate school, have a good job and a terrific life.

Right now I'm down in the dumps, though. I met this amazing guy, and really liked him. Bottom line, we explored it a bit, and he didn't really feel that we had the right chemistry. The fact that he was completely honest with me and didn't take advantage, just makes me like him even more. I think that if I can only get over it, I'll have made a wonderful friend for life.

It seemes that whenever I meet someone, he falls into one out of three categories. Either he likes me, and I can't manage to feel anything for him. Or - as with this guy - I like him and he doesn't feel anything for me. OR... I meet someone who seems okay, but then I slowly discover that they're really only interested in dating someone good looking, without caring about my general thoughts and opinions or who I am. Because of things that happened to me when I was young, it's been a bit difficult for me to go out, flirt and play "the game". I can talk to guys and be 100% myself (after all, I like myself, so why not?), but that doesn't ever seem to be good enough. And I know that I don't freak them out either. I'm honest about what I feel, but I'm careful not to come off as pushy or needy or anything like that.

Okay, so maybe I'm sounding a bit desperate here, and I absolutely don't mean to, because I'm not. Like I said, I'm usually happy being single. It's just that I hardly ever manage to have romantic feelings for someone, and when it happens, it always turns out like this. And that's a bit rough. I've never been in a relationship with someone I was in love with, or with someone who wasn't in love with me. So, obviously, I've never been seriously involved with anyone either. I guess I just have to get used to the idea that I'm going to be on my own forever. That sounds gloomy, but I think I'm just being realistic. After all, I'm in my late 20's now, and I've jet to love someone who loves me back. I keep hearing from the men I fall for that I'm one of the "most amazing people they've ever met", and that they love my confidence and everything, but still... If nothing else, I've made some really great buddies over the years who's not afraid to stick their necks out for me if needed. But I don't really need any more buddies.

And it doesn't change the fact that my heart gets broken every time I fall for someone...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 11:43am

I have the same problem as you, except I have had a few relationships.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:02pm

It's impossible to know why you're not connecting with guys, since we don't know you and we can't see you or hear you. But I believe it's very good that you're mostly OK being single and that you feel good about who you are. I think that kind of confidence and comfort level is really all you need. A partner would just be icing on the cake.

And yet, I totally understand the desire to find someone suitable and compatible. No matter how self-reliant we are, it's human nature to want affection and companionship.

All I can suggest is that you try to give the guys who are "into you" a second and third look before you reject them. After all, it's easier to establish and maintain a relationship with a man who has already chosen YOU, rather then chase after a man who is elusive, emotionally unavailable, or just plain inappropriate. I'm not saying you have to resign yourself to being with a man you aren't attracted to. Of course there has to be SOME chemistry in order to go forward. But I just want you to be sure you're not being unrealistic or self-sabotaging in your expectations.

A good guy may not come bursting into your life like fireworks. Instead, sometimes attraction starts out as a sparkler and deeper feelings come along later... after you've known each other and begun to care about each other as PEOPLE. That's exactly how it happened for me and my boyfriend. I did not feel hugely attracted to him at first. But we were comfortable with each other right away, and there was enough sexual chemistry to make a serious r'ship worth pursuing. It's going on 4 years now, and our relationship continues to be interesting and to evolve.

Just continue to be calm and unstressed about being single and dating. You'll not only be happier within yourself, you're more likely to attract the sort of man you want just because you AREN'T going crazy over it. It's probably just a matter of time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 3:31pm

Aww I completely understand you-I am in a similar situation. I never had a REAL relationship and I'm almost 23.. I have been in relationships that I have thought were more than they really were (when I was younger), but now it's just that the guys I date (who are all different types-I'm pretty easygoing and interested in many different things) like me SOOO much at the beginning and then the second that I start to THINK it might be going somewhere (w/out coming on too strong) the guys just STOP talking to me- COMPLETELY- out of nowhere!!

It's getting harder & harder but you just have to try to stay optomistic & believe that everything happens for a reason & you keep meeting these people that are wrong for you so that when you meet *Mr. Right* you will be able to appreciate it more...

~Shnorkels

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 3:56pm
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I was always the one that was the buddy and everyone loves to hang out with me all my friends had boyfriends and everyone loved being around me. If they loved me so much than why was I the one who was alone. I recently started seeing someone I am now 27 and I think he is really my first official boyfriend and as crazy as it sounds I think I am his first real girlfriend. We are both attractive and great people so I think we are very lucky. The relationship was really hard to establish because especially with him being the male he didn't know how to act so I had to take the reigns. We are taking things as they come and am very happy I wish would step up a little more but it is well worth the wait. Hang in there!!!!