I dont know what to do... =/
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| Sat, 12-10-2005 - 10:00pm |
I'm having problems with my boyfriend. We both go to the same university, and live across the street from one another. We met online about a year ago (in a non-singles chatroom/dating site) and really hit it off. Same age going to the same school and both interested in the same sites, coincidence?
During the first few months of courtship, he would take me out to bowl, to eat lunch, to see a movie, pretty inexpensive dates. We had a blast together. Now, he hasn't taken me on a date in months, and even after I begged and pleaded him to take me out on a date, he's had other things to do. His grandfather was in the hospital for a short while during the weekend he'd promised to take me out for lunch. Other things have happened too.
I am also struggling with depression and a panic disorder and occasionally find myself in need of comfort to keep me from doing my past destructive behaviors. The other problem with it is I am quite proud and have a hard time admitting i need to be comforted. So, when I do admit that I need him to be there for me and he doesn't act (i mean, he lives right across the street from me, RIGHT across the street) I get really offended and hurt. This normally leads to big stupid dramatic arguments.
The guy always tells me how much he loves me and cares for me every moment he gets. He also hugs a lot. The guy is just.... lazy sometimes.... and a bit thoughtless....
Last night I told him how much it hurt me that he could be so thoughtless sometimes and that i want him to take me out on occasion and do nice things every once in a while. He got upset that I said it and called me a controlling nag (though not in so few words). It upset me so much I lashed back and told him I wanted to break up. He, of course, doesn't want to let go (neither do i, i just dont like feeling ignored either). I guess I did it to try to get my way in this argument. Maybe it was selfish... I feel pretty stupid.. =/
He hasn't tried to contact me at all today. I'm not sure how I can make him see my point and see how him not ACTING OUT rather than SAYING he loves me hurts me. Am I being controlling by asking him to act it out like he used to? What can I do to resolve this? Does anyone have advice for me?

Yes, there are things you can do here.
<< Am I being controlling by asking him to act it out like he used to? >>
Controlling, no. Nagging, possibly. You see, if a guy feels like he's being forced to "act it out" like he used to, then ... he's probably going to withdraw. He doesn't want to feel like you NEED him.
So, what you need to do is transition from a "need"-based relationship to a "want"-based relationship. If you feel like you NEED his comforting, you may need to find other sources of comfort ... that is, until he feels comfortable comforting you again, does that make sense? And, that will only happen if he WANTS to ... because, he doesn't want to feel obligated for your emotional well-being. That's a burden to heavy to bear.
What you do not want to do is say "I need you" ... instead, do the exact opposite, and take care of yourself by staying busy, having your own interests, doing stuff with your friends ... all of this will go a long way in showing him that you have your own stuff going on, and he will WANT to be with you more ... because you're happier and more interesting to be around.
Initially, every relationship is about infatuation, which starts to fade after 6 or so months. What has to happen then, is ... the relationship has to transition into something more than just spending time together, dating and "warm fuzzy" feelings of infatuation. It has to be more or less about "I enjoy being with you because you add value to my life, and I enjoy you just as you are" ... quite simply, he just may not know how to handle the depression ... it might make him uncomfortable ... and thing is, people WANT to be around people who THEY feel comfortable and happy around.
<> and << I'm not sure how I can make him see my point and see how him not ACTING OUT rather than SAYING he loves me hurts me.>>
First of all, please don't take this as any level of saying that you're at all wrong ... there's no right or wrong ... there's just striking a balance. If we're in a relationship where we're trying to get the other person to see it "our way" ... that is essentially saying "I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm going to make sure you continue getting the brunt of it while I continue trying to prove my point."
On the same token, he's doing the same thing ... by saying that you're controlling and nagging him. He's trying to get you to see his point. Can you see why this doesn't work ... it's two forces opposing one another. Never works.
ADVICE: if you do this, I can all but guarantee you'll get better results. Next time he says "you're nagging me" ... just say "you're right, I have been nagging you, thanks for pointing that out."
He'll stop dead in his tracks with a deer in the headlights look on his face. End of argument.
Ok, this does not mean just agree with everything he says. But, what it's going to be is the START of a perspective change. The first step of "winning" any argument is winning it within yourself, first and foremost. That means, first of all, acknowledging that you've been projecting your needs upon him as his responsiblity, which he's now resenting.
So, you start taking care of your own needs by taking care of yourself, staying busy, being with friends, basically just doing "your thing." (if you don't have a "your thing" ... it's time to get busy and get interested in other stuff ... it's essential to have interests outside of your BF for him to stay interested in you).
I can all but GUARANTEE if you a) get busy and b) start being more agreeable, by acknowledging your neediness ... you WILL see a change in him. By saying "you're right" ... he will actually start agreeing with you too! (ie, give it a couple of weeks, and he'll be saying "you're right, I haven't been spending enough time with you.")
I swear, it works. But, it's not at all about being someone you're not ... it's about changing your perspective and taking care of you ... and when he notices this, he will want to spend more time with you and be there for you. But, it only works this way when you stop trying to convince him of what he SHOULD be doing or trying to tell him what you need.
Actions DO speak louder than words. So, what you need to do is act like someone he wants to be around ... not because you NEED him there ... because he WANTS to be there ... because you're a comfortable person to be around.
Lastly, if you're not in counseling for your depression and panic disorder, that too would be a wise choice.
Good luck!!
You have to watch immature men, when they want you to back off they pull out the name calling and you become a "controlling nag". Words are also cheap, it is very easy to say "I love you" but much harder to follow through.
You need to explain to this man that the courtship process is lifelong, it doesn't stop once one declares they are boyfriend/girlfriend. And, yes,sometimes you need him to come over to your house for whatever reason.
If this man refuses to change then you need to think about what you are doing with him. Right now, he doesn't look like good husband material.