I don't love him, but he wants me.
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| Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:18pm |
I’ve been accused of stealing someone’s heart, and now I fear he’s holding me responsible for it.
Now, I did not knowingly steal it, but somehow two or three weeks after he met me (middle of November or so), I found it in my possession. But it’s something that I didn’t ask for nor want.
I agree to some extent when he said there comes some responsibility when someone’s in love with you. He said I am in a position of tremendous power right now. And I recognize what he’s saying, not only because of the fact that falling in love leaves one somewhat vulnerable, but also because he is on the incline on some very important assignments and projects and it would be really bad time to say “goodbye.” Then again, since when is there ever a convenient time for one to break another’s heart?
Three weeks (yes, three weeks. The guy doesn’t waste any time) into my relationship with him, we had a conversation that went basically like this:
Him: I’m not one for ambiguity. I need to know what you want, whether you’re ready for this. You don’t disclose very much.
Me: *Long silence* I’m not ready for this.
H: *Slow, concerned* But what does that mean?
M: *silence* I like spending time with you, but I’m not in love with you.
H: *deep sigh* Well, at least you’re honest.
M: *whisper* I’m sorry.
H: *he puts his face in his hands* I don’t know what I’m going to do, Melissa. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
………
I felt terrible. However, I’m not comfortable with this position of power.
I don’t know what to do or how to respond to someone whom I’m not in love with but who’s so in love with me that he may despair if I end my relationship with him. It’s been weighing on my mind for a few weeks, I’ve managed to suppress it so I can focus on these last few weeks of school. I’ve tried to find a solution that best minimizes pain, but I really cannot come up with anything.
I suppose I could cold turkey it. But someone who cares about me as much as he does deserves more than a cold shoulder or unanswered phone calls. I care about him and the work that he does, but I don’t want a romantic relationship with him. But he continually tells me that spending time with me is the best part of his day and that he’s crazy about me and that he’s never felt this way about any woman before. But I don’t feel the same sense of urgency to be with him. My doesn’t reciprocate those feelings.
I don’t want to destroy the friendship, but I think he may be incapable of being “friends” because he feels so strongly about me. He and his friends are a group of very inspiring, creative, and driven people. I like their company very much, and the passion they put into their work is personally motivating.
The more I think about what I want in a relationship, I think I'd like to ultimately be with someone who is in the same place in life as I am. He is in his career and starting own business and he has been out of school a long time. I’m still trying to finish this last year of college. I realize that life is more complicated than one can simply pick and choose their ideal scenario. Everybody has pictures of their future and I try not to adhere too firmly to any one of them because, who knows, life may surprise me.
At where I am in my life right now, two semesters away from completing my degree, 23 years old, little money,....I think it is it a legitimate desire to not want to be in a long-term committed relationship right now.
I’ve met people that I really really like and with whom I’ve really connected with, but for one reason or another, like they live 2000 miles away or they travel out of the country for five or so months out of the year, it doesn’t work out in that sense. I don't think I'm "incapable" of "commitment" or a "serious relationship." I just haven't met anyone available with whom I'd really consider a serious relationship.
What do I do? I’m not in love with him, but if I end my relationship with him he may fall apart.

Honey, get out of your ego.
Any guy that meets you and 'falls in love" - isn't in love with you as a person. It's not "I admire, respect, appreciate, accept, trust, and adore YOU for your values, your priorities, your successes, your viewpoints, your consistency, your viewpoints, etc".
It's you're a hottie, I love the attention that you're paying me, hanging around you makes me look good to my friends and your attention makes me feel good about myself......he likes himself better via your attention.
Ther eis no "friendship" here - there never was. There was never time for "I admire and respect you as a person and want the best for you in life as you determine it to be"......there's been "i want you, I desire you, you make me feel so good about myself" - hug me, hold me, never let me go.
What you're right about is thathe's very insecure, and immature. He doesn't have much going for him in life right now in general. IF he did - he wouldn't be so all fire willing to share it all willingly and 50/50 with you or anybody else. He might if he did have self-esteem and a great life by his own definitions and efforts "want" you in his life - but it'd be slowly to make sure that who he thinks you are is who you are - before you're comingled and intertwined and able to impact his future.
But what Ialso hear in your post is that if you decline his interests........he's in a position of prestige or power or at least upward bound over you. He's in a position to be involved with the people that you do admire and respect and aspire ot be like...and you're afraid if you say "no" to his advances and alliance - he'll shut you down from their companionship.
If that happens, they weren't worth knowing.....and it likely won't happen and it's worth sweating about.
So, get out of your ego. Thinking this guy thinks that you are the greatest thing on earth. And realize that what he thinks is that "being with you" would signify to him that "he" is al lthat and a bag of chips.
Then, break it off. Only deal with him professionally. And move on. Don't try to "keep" a friendhsip that doesn't exist. ANd if one develops - great. If not - oh well.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com