I don't understand! HELP, HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
I don't understand! HELP, HELP!!
1
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 2:42am

I will have to warn you, this will be very long so I apologize up front. Second of all I've written on this board several, several times and I've greatly apperciated everyone's thoughts, comments, and suggestions.

Met this guy on a dating website, have known each other for 2 and half months. We're just friends, and yes I will admit right up front I've had feelings for him. Throughout our conversations and talking on the phone all the time, he's told me alot about himself and his past relationship. One of them, he dated this girl (well they started off as friends). Then they started dating doing the whole relationship thing. Lasted for 3 years. Through out this time, she cheated on him, and was basically crazy half of the time. They'd break up, she'd get upset want to work things out, he'd say ok, go over to talk things over and she'd be like what the hell are you doing here. So they broke up for good, been like that for a year. Fast forward to when him and I met, started talking and hanging out. She'd call him every few weeks, he'd ignore her calls, ect,ect. A month and a half ago, someone broke into her house (use to be their house). She blamed it on my friend, her parents got involved and they decided to do a restraining order on my friend. That really made him mad, he hadn't seen her for along time, would leave her along and then that happen. After that, she'd still call him, e-mail him, try to talk to him online, ect, ect.

Here is where I need the help! My friend calls me yesterday wanted to know what I was doing. I was just chilling out before I had to go to work. He then said well a buddie of mine has been trying to call me, wants me to hang out, going to see if he wants to we're probably going to eat and do some drinking. I said cool, he then told me if that doesn't happen I will call you and we can play some cards online before you have to go to work. He never called, no biggie all good.

I didn't get home til pretty late last nite, I went to the movies with my sister. I get home I had 2 messages, I checked the caller id and I saw that he'd called me twice (around 11:45, I didn't know why he wasn't at work. He works nites). I listened to the message and he sounded up set and told me he screwed up and for me to call him. First thought was is he ok. I called him, phone rang and rang, left him a vm, called him back and we talked. I could tell he had been sleeping and that he was still drunk. I said what's up. The gist of the story was, ex calls him that afternoon, they get into a big fight over the phone (he didn't regonize the number, he was waiting on a work call so he just picked it up). She convinced him to come over because she wanted to talk. She gave him more to drink, talked about how lonely she's been this summer, and that she's been dating a guy for a few weeks. They're start cuddling and then one thing leads to another and they have sex. He's like I know I really screwd up. I couldn't sit there and get onto him, I was listening to him ect, ect. I know that for me and the past mistakes I've made I don't like people to remind me of them and critize me for them. He calls me today and he started talking about it again. This time he says he can't stop thinking about her and if given the opprotunity he wants her back.

WHAT?????????????????? He calls me tonite and we talk about it again, and he's like I know it's crazy but I haven't been able to stop thinking about her ever since last nite.

I know I can't tell him what to do, I'm scared for him, Im worried to. I mean even though she's seriously not dating this guy (and not to say what he did wasn't wrong), she cheated on him! Or am I wrong? I asked him tonite is the restraing order taken off? He said no,but I spent 12 hours with her and nothing happened. He's like Im not going to call her, let her call me and go from there. I miss the friendship, us hanging out.

I just don't get it. Out of the 2 and half months of us talking and hanging out at times, I've learned a lot about him. I don't know everything and I know that 2 and half months is nothing! Im feeling he deserves better then that and I can't understand why he wants her back and taking the risk of getting hurt again but what's WORSE getting arrested for the restraing order.

Please suggestions, opinions, comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 8:48am

You do not understand but I do. This man is still very deeply emotional involved with his exgirlfriend. He is attracted to insanity and drama like a moth is to light. My guess is that he has not told you the entire story. Judges do not issue ROs unless there is at least some evidence that harassment has occurred, I know because I have had to get one myself.

Not only does this man enjoy the drama, but he also likes to talk about the drama. This is where you come in. You have lent him a sympathetic ear, which is why you are now getting desperate calls in the middle of the night.

This situation is not going to end. You will always be the third wheel and he may not be healthy for a long long time. He needs to stay away from this lady and get about 3 years of therapy so he can figure out what motivates him to involve himself with crazy people. This man could have very easily gotten rid of this lady by changing his phone number and getting an RO on her.

Tell him he needs to find a great therapist and not to call you anymore, unless you enjoy hearing about this stuff.