I feel like giving up...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
I feel like giving up...
9
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 9:04am

Some of you know my story. I was considering a casual sex relationship with someone 12 years younger than me. Well, to make a long story short, I started acting needy (too many calls) and he never called me back. What I'm so angry about is that he stated that our "friendship" was more important than the sex. I guess he was saying that to let me know that he changed his mind about sleeping with me because I would expect more than his selfish a%% wanted to give.

Anyway, I left messages for him to call, he didn't. And I haven't heard from this "friend" in almost a month. I did say to his best friend (the one who introduced us and who used me for sex for a year himself) that me and this guy were "not friends and we were just going to satisfy each other's lust". I said this by IM and maybe what happened was his best friend (the snake) copied it, printed it out and showed it to this guy. BUT, I think instead of just dropping me like a hot potato this guy should have come to me and *asked* me about it-if indeed Snake showed him this IM communication. Snake probably did because he wanted to keep me available for sex to him (that's how selfish and dirty snake is).

Finally, this guy is slow mentally or the drugs he did years ago fried his brain. He doesn't have many women liking him. He isn't good with the ladies like the snake.He has a low-paying job and doesn't have a college education. With his mental abilities, I'm not even sure if he could handle college, seriously.

I don't even know why I want him. I know *some* reasons. They are basically that he *fits* my personality and I really think he's nice deep down. So many women discount him because of the above reasons, but I'm not like that. I could really love him and be good for him because I will have my own career making good money. And I don't really care about material things. I just want someone to love me. I never had that growing up. I just want a boyfriend that I can love.

I just don't want it to end like this: me and him never talking to each other again. Not only that, I still want to sleep with him even though he says due to distance (we're 4 hours apart) and my age, he will never, ever want a relationship with me. I don't believe it. Due to his slow mental ability and the fact that he wears his heart on his sleeve, I think he will fall in love with me.

I'm beautiful. I'm almost done with my graduate degree. I'm a good person. But, he says we could only be "friends with benefits" because a) I'm too old (12 years older) b) I live too far.

Should I try and make contact again? If so, by phone or e-mail and what do I say? My goal would be to get to see him again.

I was alone on Valentine's day. I've been feeling lately that life isn't really worth living all that much. Just kinda depressed right now. And the fact that I haven't heard from this guy in all this time makes me feel even worse...:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 10:49am

1) You are 4 hours apart

2) This guy is slow mentally

3) He hasn't contacted you in a month

4) He doesn't return your calls

5) He's not stable financially

6) He has a drug history

7) He's only interested in a sexual relationship with you

8) He has less-than-reputable friends

If I were in your shoes I would look hard at why you are attracted to this man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:10pm

imhealing2004...

PG's 2 cents:

If a man tells you that the only possible relationship the 2 of you can have is FWB...THEN DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING MORE?

If your friend has made these intentions clear, but you choose to ignore them (by making phone calls or with any other type of communication), don't expect to hear from him! This has nothing to do with his 'mental deficiency' and inability to find a girlfriend.

If you have any meaning in his life, it'll probably be if you wish to assume the role of HIS MOTHER!!!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 12:34pm

imhealing ... yes, many of us are familiar with your story. With all due respect, truly, no offense meant ... each time you post, it is the same story. Hon, you need to get OUT OF YOUR RUT! You are stuck. You're not "imhealing" ... you're "imdrowning."

Stuck in the mindset that the "snake" used you. AGAIN, you cannot be USED without your permission ... he didn't promise you anything; he didn't promise you a relationship or lead you to believe you were in a relationship. You knew what it was ... just sex. Thus, you were not used if you kept going back for more. That was your choice. Going back for more. It's time to own up to that and accept responsiblity for YOUR choices.

<< that me and this guy were "not friends and we were just going to satisfy each other's lust". I said this by IM and maybe what happened was his best friend (the snake) copied it, printed it out and showed it to this guy. >>

Stop acting like a teenager. Can't you imagine a 16-y/o sitting at her computer, IM'ing with an old hook-up (because she enjoys the attention and is bored) and saying to him "Im going to hook up with your friend." What's the point? That's something a teenager would do. This is not adult behavior.

It is insanely immature to share with anyone, much less the guy's friend (snake) what your sexual intentions are with his friend. That's between you and the friend. If your intentions were to satisfy each other's lust ... fine. Do that. Why does the snake have to know about it? (he doesn't,it's not his business ... he introduced the two of you ... and it should have been left at that). Any why are you still talking to the snake? You've said OVER AND OVER that he's no good and that he's not a friend. So, why are you IM'ing with him?

<< I think instead of just dropping me like a hot potato this guy should have come to me and *asked* me about it-if indeed Snake showed him this IM communication.>>

Ok, let's review ... this IM communication is YOUR doing. Thus, if he did print it out and show it to him ... that's not HIS doing alone ... it took BOTH of you to have that conversation, and it was YOU who said those things. So, if he did show it to his friend, he just gave him the evidence of your words. If you hadn't acted like a teenager and said "we're not friends, we're just going to satisfy each other" ... there would be NO IM COMMUNICATION for the snake to show his friend. Accept responsiblity for your part in that, because there wouldn't have been anything for him to report to his friend if you hadn't put it in writing.

Secondly, you blame the other guy for "dropping you like a hot potato" instead of coming to you and asking you about it. Why should he ASK YOU about it when, if the IM was shared with him, it's CLEAR as day that you were part of that IM communication. What is there to ask you about?

You're expecting from others what you're not willing to offer to them. You want them to "do it right" ... to do what they SHOULD do ... but, you weren't offering him the same. That is, you weren't offering him any respect or consideration by sharing with his friend (snake) what your intentions were with him. It makes ZERO sense to me why you'd say anything to the snake about him or what you were planning to do with him.

So, I can't blame the guy for dropping you ... before it even got started ... you have a loose mouth. You couldn't keep your intentions and/or what he and you talked about to yourself. You're not a teenager, so please, stop acting like one.

Lastly, as for why he hasn't called ... in addition to that ... we've already established in previous posts that you most likely "turned him off" by calling and emailing him ump-teen times. Accept responsiblity for that, as well. You went too far. 20 phone calls from a woman isn't charming and attractive ... it's obsessive and it's enough for any guy to say "ummm, thanks but no thanks."

So, if you want to call him again ... feel free! I don't see why or how the result would be different. Or how it would make you feel better.

Please seek counseling to bolster your self-esteem. You ARE a good person. You just have to know that there are men out there who will respect and love you ... without YOU having to allow yourself to be a sexual pawn. You have to love and respect yourself, first and foremost, before anyone else will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:08pm

Starbuck: "Lastly, as for why he hasn't called ... in addition to that ... we've already established in previous posts that you most likely "turned him off" by calling and emailing him ump-teen times. Accept responsiblity for that, as well. You went too far. 20 phone calls from a woman isn't charming and attractive ... it's obsessive and it's enough for any guy to say "ummm, thanks but no thanks."

I only called him 3 times. He did say he didn't like my "serious" talk. This guy can't handle serious talks. He's a baby in a man's body. He probably does not even have the skills to live on his own. He's 28 and still home with his parents. He doesn't attract girls and he turned his nose up at me and what I have to offer? wtf??

I would have been happy being his friend is why I'm so upset. But, yes, I wanted the sex and I still do. Maybe it's because I know he's the kind of person that would never be a problem because he's no match for me mentally.

I probably seem like a spoiled child, but I want him still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:21pm
Pianoguy, I understand your post, I do. But, he could have had the decency to remain a "friend". At this point, all I want to do is sleep with him, ONCE, and that's all. Then he can do whatever, because I won't care. That will be the end of this for me since he treated me this way to begin with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:56pm

<< I only called him 3 times. He did say he didn't like my "serious" talk. This guy can't handle serious talks. He's a baby in a man's body. >>

I wasn't being literal with the '20 times' comment. 3x's or 20x's ... if you keep calling without a response, that sends a message to him.

As for "serious talks" ... there's no need for serious talks. You guys weren't in a relationship. There's nothing "serious" to talk about. So, I don't/can't fault him for not wanting anything serious ... talks or otherwise.

<< He doesn't attract girls and he turned his nose up at me and what I have to offer? wtf??>>

So, what is this? Wounded pride? (ie, "he passed ME up, what is he thinking?!") If so, let it go. Holding onto your wounded pride wont get you anywhere. Sounds like you want to sleep with him just to prove a point. Sex as a weapon ... that's manipulation. You're not interested in him as a person, doesn't even sound like you think he'd be a good "friend" ... since he's "mentally slow" and not on your level (as you said). So, what is attractive to you about him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 12:45am

Starbuck: "So, what is attractive to you about him?"

Probably the fact that he wouldn't be a problem for me as far as being a player and being strong minded in a relationship. I don't think he wants kids. I don't think he could handle kids. I've had mine, I don't want anymore. So, he has the personality I'm looking for. Someone that wouldn't cause problems for me and someone that I could love and would love me back.

Of course, an aquaintance of mine said I would get bored with his intellectual capabilities, but who knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 8:20am

imhealing2004...

Pianoguy doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he doesn't feel "a one more time sleepover" is going to make any difference in your situation.

YOU'RE TOO HUNG UP ON THE MAN! And he knows it!

This is the reason he'll avoid you.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 12:50am

Imhealing,


I think you're obsessing over this guy because he's the last guy to show you some attention.

Photobucket