I feel like he's buying my love...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
I feel like he's buying my love...
6
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 1:34pm

Please advice, I feel confused.

I met this wonderful guy online, he has most of the traits I've been looking for in a guy. He's respectful, gentleman, caring, attentive, romantic, smart and physically I am attracted to him. The only thing that I'm finding a little overwhealming is that after the third date, he started showering me with gifts. For our third date, he brought me a beautiful vase with red roses. The fourth date he brought me more flowers and a little gift. For the fifth date, he bought me a dress and gave me a perfume. On our sixth date, he brought me more flowers and a stuffed animal for my daughter. I just talked to him two nights ago and he's already telling me that he wants to take me shopping. He pays for all of our dates and never lets me pitch in at all. I'm feeling a little strange because I think it is too early in the relationship and he wants to please me too much. Would you find this normal in the early courting stage or am I overreacting? Sometimes I feel like maybe he's not that normal and that I should proceed with caution. But at the same time, I am starting to develop feelings for him, because he's been so sweet and wants to make me happy. I spoke with a friend and told me that there was this episode in sex and the city about a guy that was just so nice and attentive and he happened to be a psycopath, that scared me! I am just hoping that my guy is after all a normal one, how can you tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:14pm
If this is making you uncomfortable tell him that he has already been generous enough and you would like him to hold off on the gifts. That seems like a lot of flowers.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:18pm

I think it's way too early to be giving you gifts like that. Flowers are one thing, but a DRESS??? No way. That's just completely inappropriate.

I would let him know that you appreciate the gifts very much, but that it's too much, too soon.

It could be a sign of several things: he's just really generous (and a little clueless, because I think most men would know this is too much too soon!); he's really insecure; or maybe he's really a controlling and manipulative person who wants to win you over quickly. Only time will tell, although I think his reaction to you telling him you'd prefer that he slow down the gifts will tell you a lot.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:38pm
He sounds a little strange to me. He could be a control freak. The first time you do or want somethings he doesn't like, he could trow all those gifts up to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 2:51pm

Yep, I'd agree that the best course of action would be to let him know that, while you appreciate it, that it's a little too much, too soon. I mean, no one wants to seem ungrateful ... but, there is a such thing as going overboard!

A simple rose is nice. Vases of flowers is overbearing. Personally, I'd tend to think that the nature of his gift giving might be the nature of his overall attitude: meaning, if a relationship ensues, he could be overbearing with your time ... and given more time, could be possessive. After all, the gifts are possessions.

Or, he could just be very generous, and perhaps a little insecure, and it makes him feel more secure and "manly" to shower you this way. That perhaps you'll want him more.

Either way, it does seem like he's trying to "buy" your affection.

And for what its worth, the dress and perfume would freak me out a bit ... a) how does he even know what size I wear, if he's only seen me four times, does he even know what type of styles I like (or is it just what HE'D like to see me in? which is a little controlling) and b) perfume ... he wouldn't have a clue as to what scents I like. If a guy bought me perfume, I'd have to say to myself "he doesn't even know that I don't wear perfume" (but that's just me, since I don't wear perfume)

Anyhoo, those things ... I'd be thinking "ok does he want to mold me into what HE wants me to look like or how he would like for me to smell?"

That's why it would weird me out a bit.

And, wanting to take you shopping ... yikes ... and he's going to pay for it! Again, I'd be thinking that he wants to buy you the clothes that HE wants to see you in. Hmmm, kinda weird. I can picture it now "why don't you try this on?" ... or "you'd look great in that" ... on the other hand, if he said "pick out whatever you want, it's on me" ... that's a little like "Pretty Woman" (the guy had money to burn, but he WAS buying her).

I'm inclined to think that he's more on the side of controlling than insecure. Proceed with caution, and let him know how you feel about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 11-22-2005 - 4:30pm
Thank you girls for your input on this, I am going to talk to him about it. I think he's such a nice guy even on the smooth side, so far he doesn't seem controlling at all (time will tell I guess). He asked me what perfume I wear and then he surprised me with one. About the dress, he could not guess my size or my taste, and I will tell him that instead of shopping, we'll go back and return the dress, I also thought that was a little too much. I need to use my diplomacy on this one so not to make him feel bad that he wants to give me too much :). I will keep you updated on this, sometimes I feel such a bummer because, here's this guy who has almost everything I ever wanted in a guy, but he's overdoing it. Then there are other guys I gone out with that I was totally into and they never given me a single flower or a gift. Extremes are what always seem to follow me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 11-23-2005 - 1:37pm

<< I think he's such a nice guy even on the smooth side, so far he doesn't seem controlling at all (time will tell I guess). >>

Control comes in many shapes and forms. Too often, we think of controlling just as "I don't want you to go out with your friends" (possessiveness) or making demands ... but, overbearingness can also be a form of control, in that, if you feel smothered ... you may not feel like you can "breathe" in the relationship ... which can limit your personal space.

All the gifts aside, have all of your dates been what he's wanted to do? Does he ask you what you want to do for the evening, or does he have it "all planned out?"

You'd mentioned that he doesn't let you chip in on the check (not even the tip?) You've offered but he's declined?

While some guys may think that's chivelrous ... I think what some guys (perhaps, like this one) may not understand is that ... it's the 21st century! Women want to contribute, right? We want a relationship of equality. Sure, it's nice to pay ... and they want to pay, because that makes them feel good. But, it makes US feel good to contribute, too! That's equality.

Now, I'm not saying it's a lost cause. But, if you want it to continue, you definitely have some things to talk with him about. He shouldn't feel emasculated by your request to want to chip in, even if it's just the tip or something. That's just part of reaching a compromise and striking a balance.

Good luck!