I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING DEFEATED

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING DEFEATED
2
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:42am

hi,

i just need to vent... i'm having drama w/my child's father. its not drama that's about the baby its drama about HIM. he's still operating in this "its about me" attitute and does things to make me jealous on purpose and then when i get mad and want to talk about it - he acts uninterested or says that i'm blowing things way of out proportion. he has these ex-gfs that he still talks to regularyly and they say things about me to him, planting seeds in his head etc and then when he comes back to tell me what they say - of course we fight about it! EVERY SINGLE FIGHT THAT WE'VE EVER HAD HAS HAD SOMETHING TO DO W/THEM. i've told him repeatedly that i'm tired of having my life disrupted b/c of the ex's. and that he's weak and easy to manipulate b/c he lets them do it. i do realize that its not the exes its HIM. i just don't understand why he does it? is it to stroke his ego?

we have to be apart of each others lives for the rest of our life, so why is he making this so difficult?

i want this relationship to work out but not at the expense of me and my baby's health and well being. i just can't put up w/this anymore! its very stressful and i put waaaaaaaaaaaay to much energy into this matter already. i'm just ready for it to be over and to be honest, unless he's ready - it will never be. so what do i do?

thanks,
e.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 11:23am

First of all, you are a smart woman to realize this: "i do realize that its not the exes its HIM. i just don't understand why he does it? is it to stroke his ego?"

Yes, a big fat ego stroke because he is insecure or narcissistic, whichever term you wish to use, because it ends up all the same. They need to feed the empty hole in their soul, regardless of how much it costs you mentally. They use women, all women, not just you.

I can't stand men who make women jealous because: 1) they lose a good woman, 2)they lose a good relationship, 3)they tear up everyone's heart like a tornado and don't give a hoot, 4)immature and totally not insightful. They are a big turnoff.

I don't fight over men either. If a guy finds another woman attractive enough so that I can notice it, flirt with her or anything like that, in order to make me jealous (thinking that jealousy means you care - not), I will walk away first. That is not the way to attract someone to you, by making yourself a desirable item at the object of your affection's expense. That is mind games on a destructive level, designed to make a woman anxious or nervous that she could lose you. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with playfulness. But this isn't playfulness.

This guy may enjoy a good cat fight because it makes him feel special. He needs therapy in order to regulate his need for attention. I won't date a guy who keeps in touch with exes like that any more because they are a nice arsenal to use to hurt someone.

I hope you don't take offense to this statement, but I don't have kids, and I am happy I don't have kids because I can walk away from one of these idiots and not look back.

You are probably going to have to do the walking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 12:04pm

,>

yes - you will always have a tie to each other because you have a child together. However, that tie does NOT mean you have to be a 'part' of each others lives other than as co-caretakers for the child. Meaning, it sounds like you guys have some issues in communication. It also sounds like there is disrespect and pettiness. You push each others buttons. This is not a healthy relationship.

It would make more sense to determine your compatibility to each other as long term partners FIRST - and make the choice to work together to build a real relationship. If you can't or won't do this - then do yourself and the child a favor - end the reltionship and find a mutually agreeable way to parent the child without forcing it to be a 'family'

A real family is more than blood ties - its built on love, respect, kindness and generosity. A child will grow up bettter balance with these in place with 2 parents who live apart than with 2 parents living together who undermine, disrespect and otherwise inflict pain on each other.

It may be time to leave...what's in the best interest for you and your child is a home free from anger, fear and disinterest. You don't appear to have this right now.

Toni