I feel like I've tried my best

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I feel like I've tried my best
13
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:56am
I'm a single mom, boyfriend of five years and I split up last year. I have had a sort of distant crush on this man whose business I go to on a fairly regular basis. I have known him to say hi to, for years, maybe 8 or so. Only this year I started going there more and we have become more friendly. He is a very friendly, poplular business guy and there are always people there thanking him and are on a first name basis with him. So I guess that's where I am unsure. I really believe that he likes me and has actually been on the same wave length as me this past year. I have become so attracted to him this year, even tho I always liked him before. But this year, we just seem to clik. I don't think it is my imagination, he is really very friendly and attentive to me and my daughter every time we go in there. I have tried to think about the little things that he's done and compare and see if he does those things with every customer. It's really hard for me to know, but I think that he goes out of his way to be friendly, maybe friendlier to us.

I have gotten discouraged, thinking that he must just be friendly with everyone, cause he never even called me by my name. Then finally, a month ago, after major stress on my part, I got the nerve to invite him to an open house party for Labor Day. When we gave him the invitation, he immediately smiled and seemed happily surprised but also told us that he had to work, which didnt surprise me because it was a busy day for him. But just the fact that I kind of started something by giving him something that says lets do something together, outside of work, I felt was a big move. Of course, it would have been nice if he came, but I wasnt surprised that he couldnt and I didnt take it personally. Actually, I think he is very friendly with the general crowd, but think maybe he is shy with going past that. I dont know, I could be wrong. Anyway, after we gave him the invitation, the next time we went in, he called me by my name! in a kind of mumbly voice, but he did! That may sound very insignifigant to readers, but it was something. So, now here comes winter, and I probably wont be seeing him much, and feeling sad. I do believe he is interested in me and he really likes my daughter too. I just dont know what else I can do. I cant ask him out. I just feel sad about it. I kind of wish I could just forget about him, but I don't think I can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 7:41am
penelope991..

Pianoguy noticed the music notes next to your name...so it's obvious you and I have a 'musical connection?'

Okay...

You've made one effort to attract this man's attention...but he wasn't interested in attending a social gathering with a bunch of people he didn't know. You also indicated that the gentleman treats all his customers with courtesy and respect. So here are 3 things to consider....he has a g/f already, he's gay or perhaps he's just a friendly guy who has no desire to get serious with anybody?

How are your baking skills? Can you whip up a batch of toll house cookies...or something more elaborate? Most of us are delighted when women bake for us. If you want to try this approach...fine! Deliver the cookies the next time you stop in...and indicate it's a "small thank you gift" from you (and your daughter) for his many kindnesses in the past.

This won't GUARANTEE anything. But most 'enlightened men' usually offer some way to reciprocate....flowers, a dinner invitation, or perhaps something that would indicate his true feelings for you (if any). Just remember...you can't FORCE anybody to be affectionate. Those feelings have to come honestly from both sides of a couple.

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:59pm
Thanks Pianoguy,

I think youre probably right about several things. I know you cant force someone to be affectionate. I know that, but I guess my main frustration is that I feel that there is something, but just dont know if I will wait forever for it to solidify or if it is around the corner or it if is my imagination.

I dont think he's got a girlfriend or spouse because of the way that he communicates with me. I dont think he's gay for the same reason. I do think he's committed to his family, a sister with handicaps.

I just dont think I can go in there and bring a baked item right now. I have never been forard with men. I just feel that it would be too straightforward. That is too scary.

I just dont know what I will do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:13pm
Penelope991,

I'm so sorry for your situation, it seems so sad. I know it's truly easier said than done, but if you really, really feel something there, then you HAVE to make a move. You'll always wonder if you don't. He may be going through the same thing you are and what a tragedy that would be, if you both wanted to be with the other but didn't because you weren't sure how the other felt. Go for it and Good Luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:18pm
penelope991...

Sometimes....it's necessary to NOT throw caution to the wind and take a risk! So if you've got a little sugar, flour, a few eggs and toll-house semi-sweet chocolate bits....mix 'em together, bake 'em up and pop 'em in a nice tin with a small red bow on top!

Pianoguy (who made himself hungry for a handful of M&M's after writing this)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:49pm
arggh...you give me a wink, but you don't know how insecure I am, I dont know if I could get the nerve up to go in and give him something, even something as innocent as chocolate chip cookies... I almost had a heart attack trying to get up the nerve to invite him to our open house. argghhh...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 5:41pm
penelope991...

Pianoguy thinks you could use a "personal pep talk" about this. Click on my profile and send me an email if you're interested.

Pianoguy

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:00pm
Oh Penelope991, I so feel your pain. I truly do. I agree with Pianoguy and Sara but that's easy to do isn't it? It's up to you. To sit back and let nothing happen is the easiest and safest thing to do. I know, I speak from experience.

If you feel there is some kind of chemistry or spark between the two of you, chances are you're right. Whether it is to be is another question entirely.

Can you atleast ask him to have lunch with you since you two are speaking quite frequently? Lunch is lunch and it's always a safe bet.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 7:32am
Thanks for all the ideas...I don't think I have the nerve to do any of them, tho...
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 11:44am
Totally understand how you feel. I still see nothing wrong with asking him for lunch. I atleast did that once. It all depends on your comfort level with him though.

However, I too am so old fashioned and am a total advocate of the men coming after me. To me, that shows his true interest and there can usually be no question.

You may just have to wait and be patient and in that time, maybe you'll focus your attention on someone else. Who knows? The world of love is very crazy.

Meanwhile, if you feel as though you've tried your best, then my dear, it is his loss and definitely not yours. Maybe the timing just isn't right. Who knows? Only time will tell. Good luck. I so know how you feel because I'm in the same boat, unfortunately. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:34pm
Liyahberry, Thanks for your advice, I feel a little better. I am sorry to hear your'e in the same boat...good luck to you, too!!

pen

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