I found out the real reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
I found out the real reason
19
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:08pm
Yup, I got answers. They weren't what I wanted to hear, but at least I have answers.

I found out that his ex girlfriend is pregnant with his baby. He says that he meant everything he said to me. I told him to stop being selfish and figure out what he wants. I'm so hurt, so angry. (As anyone who has read my previous post knows, I was at one time pregnant with his child, opted for abortion because I thought it was what was best for both of us) so of course I'm a bit jealous too...

I told him it was best that we said our final goodbyes. I can't remain friends with him as much as I would like to because I'm too hurt and there are too many feelings involved. He cried, I cried. It was ugly. And I am sooo devastated and sad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:15pm
Hon - you need to get into a 12-step program like CoDA. After all that posting yesterday you never mentioned this and that speaks volumes about your self-acceptance issues.

So,he's gotten someone else pregnant and she's not opting for abortion.

Basically....the common denominator here is him. And he has no problem having unprotected sex and letting the women determine waht to do because he's not going to be resonsible for the outcome.

He did it with you - you opted for your OWN reasons and needs and self-preservation to get an abortion. You didn't want to be a single mother and limit your options career and otherwise.

This other girl is opting to have the child - to be a single parent, and deal with the ramifications, limitations, and complications of that.

He's the same guy...notice his values justified the same set of actions with each of you. That is what values do - they justify actions.

Write him off..not because you out of a sense of self-responsibility and self-preservation had an abortion, not because you decided that unprotected sex (I am making an assumption here so forgive me if it is incorrect, because it could be) with him was acceptable to you.

Write him off because his values allow him to do "whatever he feels like doing"....feelings are not facts, goals, and calls to action...he treats them as if they are thus he does wahtever he feels like and lets other people deal with the results....there is no ability to have an equality based friendship when all the person you want to be friends with values and prioritizes is "their needs, their feelings".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:33pm

I'm having trouble understanding why this upsets you so much, when you have a *boyfriend*!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:21pm
because #1, I broke it off with my *boyfriend* and #2, because the heart feels what it feels, and I have very strong feelings for this guy.

Does that help you understand?

Regardless, I have said my goodbyes to him, cut the ties, and now just have to grieve and move on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 8:25pm
Again, very well spoken, and so true.

I'm in the process of writing him off. Now it's just the sadness that I feel, on top of the hurt that I feel for him doing what he did to me.

I wish him the best of luck (he knows this) and hope that he can be happy. I know that I will be better off without him in my life, I just wish that I did not have to find that out the way that I have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:05am
Oh man, this is not good. Those were calmly posited and well reasoned thoughts, blade.

Fact is: nice is, as nice does; at times ones actions speak so loudly that you may no longer be able to hear his words.

He may seem like a nice guy and he may even think himself to be a nice guy but man, there is nothing nice on the dank and musty palette containing the ramifications of his irresponsibility. In fact, it's downright vicous to spread your progeny like some profane and prurient Johnny Appleseed. Has he no consideration for others?

I can say no more, lest my words have unintended consequences.

I will say that "boy" needs a good, long conversation with his father, or some other "man" who can put things into perspective for him.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation, Meg. I wish you all good things.

dh

Edited 4/8/2004 12:08 am ET ET by idarkhorse


Edited 4/8/2004 12:10 am ET ET by idarkhorse

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 9:11am
He obviously has no consideration for others or his ex girlfriend would not be pregnant, I would not have been pregnant (yes it does take two, but that's another story) and he would not have been so selfish as to drag me into his mess, not taking into consideration the fact that I have feelings also. He was too concerned about his own happiness, for the moment at least, telling me he wanted me in his life and failing to mention the fact that he has a baby on the way. I have no idea what the status is of his relationship with the mother of his child, nor do I care. He did have the audacity to tell me that she is the only other one he has been with since our last "meeting" over a year ago. All I could do was laugh at him at that point.

Thank you for your support and your thoughts. They are all so true. I hate when the head gets so clouded with emotion that I cannot think straight. But in this case, I have learned the true person that he is, and I will become a stronger person from it. I guess after over 3 years of going thru this with him, it is due time that I knew.

Sometimes we need to be careful what we wish for...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:45am
He didn't "do" anything to you....you ended up knocked up because of your decision to have sex with him. Did he promise you a relationship, or to coparent and perhaps form a relationship if you ended up pregnant? Did you talk about that prior to sex? Probably not.

So he didn't 'do" anything to you - your decisions and choices and actions put you in a position you didn't like - being pregnant and having an abortion. If you take responsibility for it - you won't be a "victim" again to your own actions, decisions and choices.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:58am
I have taken full responsibility for the fact that I made those decisions. I am the one that chose to have sex with him (although I in fact was on birth control). I am the one that chose to have an abortion due to my circumstances at the time. I am also the one who chose not to tell him about it because I didn't want to deal with his reactions. So yes, I have taken responsibility for that.

What I cannot take responsibility for is the fact that he lied to me. He told me he was not involved with anyone, told me that he wanted a relationship with me, and that we needed to stop playing games. I cannot take responsibility for the fact that he is selfish and choses to live his life hurting people. Nor can I change it.

What I can now take responsibility for is the fact that I am hurt and angry. I am also sad that I did not see this sooner. Yes, I have made mistakes in this, as well as he has. No one is perfect. That does not change the fact that I was deceived in this. It may not have been the smartest decision I have made, but I chose to believe his words, and his actions. Perhaps because I wanted to, but regardless, he knew the pedestal I put him on all along, and chose to take advantage of that. It was my decision to put him there, it was his decision to take advantage of that.

Those are the things that I am not responsible for, nor do I want to be. Relationships work 2 ways, and no ONE person is ever 100% at fault.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:12am
Fault and Blame aren't a solution, and solve or change nothing in a positive way. I live by that principle.

It's not your "fault" that he's a liar, that he's irresponsible, etc. His character is HIS responsibility 100%.

You'll never be able to control the character of another person. Their values justify and entitle their actions, decisions and words....and those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every situation and venue.

That's why you've got to ensure to the best of your ability that you assess their character and values against your own standards and values...prior to any type of serious involvement.

I think you believed him about his wnating a relationship, and not being involved with anyboyd else because you "wanted it to be true". Which is understandable...but that's not a factual review of his character and values based on his actions in a myriad of situations and circumstances prior to getting so "seriously" involved - not so much physically - but emotionally.

The physical investment and emotional investment are the same, in a sense. Having sex makes you physically invested in them...it has you at risk for pregnancy and disease. So you need to be assured (if your standards require it) that the emotional investment is mutual and that it meets a mutual set of needs and standards. Otherwise, it's all about physical gratification with each person taking their own risks.

You'll hear alot.....to compare actions to words. That's important to do. That's imperative in the period when youre getting to know somenoe and you realize that your objective judgement is not balanced due to your desire for them to 'be what you hope and believe that they are." If words and actions aren't in alignment...then believe the actions - they'll impact and affect you in very real and permanent ways.

It's about a pattern review...not individual situation assessment. Look at osmeone's lifestyle...and there you'll see what they value and prioritize - what they sacrfice and work for without resentment or regret.....if what you see is nothing that you personally value.....and you must look beyond the external and superficial - why be involved - sexually or otherwise.

I'll example it - some people share interests. they both run.....but one person runs for the personal empowerment and enlightment they've found within it - it's inspired them to become who they were not before. And the other person is running because they can win and it proves to others how 'superior" they are...it's imperative to look past the 'we share running as a passion" and look to what is found within that for each of you.....to see if truly you share values and standards and goals and self-awareness/requirement.

Because the one running for empowerment and enlightment will be running till they're finished on earth....and the other one will quit running the second they are not "first" across the finish line...and then the superficial and external shared interest will not exist - and you'l find the values, priorities, standards, and boundaries that you each had invested in that endeavor are not shared, either....actually, you'll find it out before that but might choose to ignore it.

That's where your organization, planning, preparedness, and structured review is going wrong...you're reviewing each situation and issue in your life in a vacuum....and you're going "I don't wnat to repeat that result or that situation again" -but what really has to be reviewed prior to any typeo f involvement in any vital to you aspects - is the values of tis person which are on display for your review - if you know where to look.

Look at their lifestyle, look at their reputation, look at what they're pursuing, look at the patterns...you can do that while dating becuase you're not "investd in them" while dating - you're enjoying getting to know them while reviewing if they meet your needs and standards while dating.....and that way it is possible to again find yourself "in the same situation" - someone who shares your passion for running - and not be afraid that how it ended badly last time, will repeat itself.

Make any sense?

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:29am
Oh, it all makes perfect sense. We live and learn, usually the hard way. In my life that is the only way I learn. One day perhaps I won't have to go thru things the hard way. When I can walk away from this and put it all in perspective, it is all so clear and obvious to me. But then the emotions are involved, and the fact that this is my own situation to deal with. Then it becomes cloudy. I will get past this, take it as a learning experience, so on...

It is the initial shock of hearing what he said, seeing what he did, accepting the truth, and that I wanted to believe him that hurts. So I'm not just angry with him for his lies and deceit, but I'm angry with myself, for believing them.

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