I found out the real reason

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
I found out the real reason
19
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:08pm
Yup, I got answers. They weren't what I wanted to hear, but at least I have answers.

I found out that his ex girlfriend is pregnant with his baby. He says that he meant everything he said to me. I told him to stop being selfish and figure out what he wants. I'm so hurt, so angry. (As anyone who has read my previous post knows, I was at one time pregnant with his child, opted for abortion because I thought it was what was best for both of us) so of course I'm a bit jealous too...

I told him it was best that we said our final goodbyes. I can't remain friends with him as much as I would like to because I'm too hurt and there are too many feelings involved. He cried, I cried. It was ugly. And I am sooo devastated and sad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:55am
And that is a good place to be.

Getting it all "together" takes lots of difficult decision making and sometimes very hard life lessons. And, I am pretty sure none of us really ever gets it all together.

It sounds to me like you are working through this very diligently. It is not an easy thing to do and may people would just give up. So, take heart in the fact that you are working hard at it.

Blade is correct. It really is about what you believe and how you apply that to the situations you encounter. You really do need to establish a baseline of beliefs and creeds for yourself. Each of us does and we should consider them to be "very" important.

It is also true that we all make mistakes, "of which I am the first."

Keep plugging away, and don't be satisfied with early results; I hear maturity growing in your statements.

dh

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 12:18pm
Well, again, that is part of what is causing the pain. I do have my own standards, values & beliefs. We had discussed all of this before I even got involved in a romantic way with him. Of course he said everything he thought I wanted to hear. Apparently he just liked the sound of the words coming out of his mouth, because he certainly didn't mean them. And at this point I'm realizing I shouldn't even be sad because I cannot remain his friend. That too would have been a one way relationship.

So, I have no choice but to work thru this dillegently, because I refuse to spend much longer moping about him and feeling sorry for myself. This will go down in the books as a bad decision that I could never come out of the winner.

Yes, it will probably always sting, but I try to live my life without regret, and just embrace these experiences as ones to grow from.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:03pm
Maybe a little insight as to the difference between a fence and a boundary would help.

Your standards, values, priorities, ethics, morals, principles - they're yours to define and live within. Realize - they're personally defined and thus everybody else on the planet easily may be using the same word such as "value" - but they're not necessarily defining it like you do.

Those things are what YOU require yourself to live up to and by and within - despite whatever offers, opportunities, or options are available....they're yours to define, to maintain - and yours to adhere to - so that you don't have regrets, remorse, fear or anger at yourself.

But it's unrealistic without knowing someone for a long period of time, in a myriad of situations, whre their actions and words have been there for you to objectively review - to expect this person to"share your definitions of words, or your values, etc."

It's fine for someone to say what they say - and quite often they'll mean what they say only you two don't define it the same way and don't have enough interactive experience together to know that...but it's up to you to live within your self-imposed values, principles, standards, etc. at all times.

That's a boundarized approach to life. It has you living at all times up to and within and by your expectations...and it has you assuming that "nobody else" shares those things until there has been lots of interaction and communication where you've had a chance to objectively review their actions, words, and decisions and lifestyle - in lots of situations.

A boundardized approach to life has you "owning a home"..and rather than ushering in whoever knocks - in order to seek companionship you "go outside". You are always within the confines of your self-imposed requirements...but you're never without the option to retreat into your haven should this person not define and value and prioritize as you do. They'll not be in your house, or have created destruction - you can walk away and back into your complete house (your complete life) that you never leave in terms of very far. That has you having companionship and people to share interestss, ideas, and conversations with - but it doesn't have them impacting your great life and your future....nor does it have you doing anything that eliminates or alters your potential or your goals.

The other approach is a 'fence'.....and what that involves is you having your standards, priorities, values, and principles and you living with in them WHEN you're inside your house and inside your yard. But, since nobody can get in unless you let them in and you're afraid to go outside because "out there it is scary and nobody shares your values or standards or goals" - you let them in the house and the yard.....assuming that becuase they got in and saw he rules posted on the wall - that they're agreeing to adhere to the standards and values by your definitions. After all, they knew the rules based on conversations, and they knew that you were a prisoner in your own life and house because you "can't handle people that don't live like you do" - you're now assuming because they're accepting your offer of entry that they're going to prioritize, value and have standards and principles that match yours. So, you settle in immediately with a "no worries" attitude...everybody knew the "rules" coming into this arrangement. You wouldn't have let him in if he hadn't agreed to the rules.

What that doesn't account for is the people who a) dont share your definitions of the critical terms or b) who have no regard for societal rules at all. The people that don't define the values and parameters like you do - you two will be talking honestly and quickly it'll come to light that you're not defining things similarly. There won't be much damage except in terms of "oh, I thought this would work out and I got my hopes all wrapped up in it"...but both of you are honest and honestly communicating and before too much intertwining and comingling goes on - you two will part company. The people who have no regard for any type of rules, and all the value is self-benefit.....that's a dangerous proposition in the "fenced" way of living. YOu've allowed them full and unlimited access to your life, you're now structuring your life around them to some extent, and their impact has the ability to alter or destroy your future....and you don't really know them, they just basically "signed a waiver" saying "I'll follow your rules". Those people will wreck havoc in your life because "your rules" are of no relevance ot them and never were, and their agreement to follow your rules was just a necessary step in them "getting what they wanted at the time" - access to you and whatever you had to offer. So yu're asking people without a conscience, and without a cognizant awareness of their scope in the picture of life as a whole to "care" that you're hurt, upset, or being shortchanged. They can't care about it....they don't understand it as a concept.

The fenced approach usually has you "wanting contact badly"....you're like the sick kid staring out at the kids playing in the yard across the street....wishing you could go out and e with and like them..but you've got the chicken pox and can't have contact or go out. That has a tendency to make you 'desperate' - desperate to believe what you hear vs. assessing if waht you hear meets your definitions, standards and needs prior to total commitment, involvement and intertwining. Desperate to get physical fast - because to you it "means" something in terms of investment, involvement and commitment potentially. In short, you're desperate to "shut the gate" on the fence...and 'slam the door' on your house and keep them inside with you, safe, finally, you have someone of your own to play with interact with, to love and appreciate and nurture you and vice versa.

Another aspect of this is "the gate and hte door"...people that have no regard for the well-being and needs of others except hwen it benefits them, and people that have no regard for societal conventions, rules, expectations or laws....rarely see your gate or door as something that "limits thier options"...but what they're quite cognizant of is that you shutting it means there is one more obstacle they have to go thru in order to "get out"...and in some instances, if they trash teh gate or door - they aren't allowed access again by the property owner.

So those people hedge....they step into your property - but never far enough to let you shut the gate or door.....and they're making it apparent with their attitude, actions, priorities that they're not "100% in compliance"....but, by your way of thinking - they need to step in just a little further to reach the desk that has the pen and rules paper on it - so that they can sign and you can slam the gate and door and be "assured" of the life that you're expecting to be yours with a partner to begin.

Because you've compromised your boundaries with your actions of letting them in without assuring that they share your values, standards, goals, and priorities - even if they're not in very far...you tend to want to offer enticements to get them to step in further away from the door and gate, to sign the waiver, to 'get on with your life with them'.

It's extremely difficult to explain...but anything "in extremis" isn't balanced or healthy and deprivation causes desperation..and in those positions lacking in balance - you tend to make poor judgements nad decisions in regards to your best interest.

If I can help, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:15pm
I wouldn't necessarily call myself "desperate" as you put it, but rather that I am honest. I mean what I say, I do what I say I'm going to do, etc...

I expect the same from other people, and have a hard time believing that not all people are as honest as I am. I tend to believe that others would rather just speak the truth and be done with it (as I prefer to do) than play around and say untruths just to protect themselves.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:29pm
Well, it's fine to believe that everybody is as honest and self-aware as you - but realize that nobody can be honest with you that's not honest with themselves, and a person lacking in self-awareness and acceptance can't be honest with themselves or you or anybody else.

I personally hold the policy that everything that everybody says is the truth "as they understand it"...and then before getting overly involved, committed, invested or intertwined - we spend lots of months having conversations and being in lots of situations where i get to see first hand if what they say and waht they do - matches up as "I" define it.

That way, I'm never desperate for companionship...but I'm never allowing that companionship to interfere with my personal boundaries or standards. One thing I did figure out....when I lived at all times, in all situations by my values and standards and woldn't waiver...the people that didn't share those values and standards and principles - fled!

Because they really weren't interested in "doing the right thing all the time" - they were willing to do the right thing in this situation because it benefitted them. When being around me wasn't of benefit - they were outta there. I wasn't compromising myself or my future..and I wasn't having to second guess their agenda or intentions or motives.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:42pm
Again, well put. And it was my mistake to not spend enough time with him to know that he was not being honest with himself, therefore he could not be honest with me. Where I fell short is that I have known him for quite a while, he was a very good friend to me at one point, kind of my "rock." I had always felt that there could be potential for us, but the timing was wrong then. Obviously, it is still wrong, and now it's just not about timing.

Couple more days and I will bounce back better than ever, having learned one of the biggest lessons of my life!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:49pm
I'd say that probably in your time of crisis you confided in him, found comfort in his words that he wasn't saying from some profound point of respect or admiration for you as a person...and you read alot into it, you emotionally bonded based on your disclosures and you getting emotionally vulnerable with him..and you made the assumption that he "had the same experience" - when in reality he was "just there" and probably doesn't realize that you considered him that vital to your ability to deal with that situation at all.

I used to do that alot - when I lived by rules so heavily.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:52pm
This wasn't written for you - but it might apply.

Self-actualization...there's "no" way to do this justice.

Self-actualization is the process that makes you 'one with yourself" and thus you're in charge of your world.

We're all addictive personalitities - we're like pavlov's dogs. We're programmed...and we can be reprogrammed - if we choose to step into the emotional hell that is a result of that process.

What you believed was right - to be subservient and an adjunct, to be "unequal" to your mate...you lived with that a long time trying "not" to be those things in the very dynamic and with a partner that shared a value and prioritization on "you being those things". And you stayed...because you believed someone else's affirmation or approval or opinion would "make you equal, as good as, etc. etc."

Self-actualization eliminates the middle man, or situation...it has you knowing who YOU are at the core....and every role you have is put an extension of who you are - so you're never giving to get...you're "self-centered" - not floating without a gravitational center unless you're in a relationship, or situation, etc. etc.

Codependent is behavior patterns, thinking patterns, and traits...whehter you utilize them or not - they're there. It is when you are utilizing them - that you're self-destructing. But to not utilize them, to reprogram so that once what 'felt wrong now feels right' - you must stnad in the emotional hell of "what feels wrong" for quite some time - until it becomes right by your opnions, assessment, and emotional association process.

Put it this way....society as rules and regulations and restrictions - and you'll obey them or pay the price. That is true if you're self-actualized or not...however without self-actualization you believe that "keeping the rules entitles you to success" - whereas in self-actualization you realize that success has to be personally defined and achieved by your own standards.....and that you have th eoption to break or keep the rules as YOU see fit - based on your OWN goals, standards and needs.

Best example I've got...the people that you see that are "doing what people usually can't" - and they're not in an attitude of deviance or penitence.....they're just completely calm, serene, assured that what they're doing while outside the scope of the norm or conventionally acceptable is right for them to do, encessary for them to do...those people have self-actualized.

They see the conventional norms, restrictions and rules - they acknowledge that violation has consequences - but they know themselves, their needs, standards, goals, and values so well - what other people think or want in term sof "what they should do to get "X" result" or whether they should be attempting to get "X" at all - is irrelevant. Theyre gracious, loving, compassionate, caring, they're objective, realistic, factual and logical - they're often thought of as "exceptional" and they've got success on external, superificial, and conventional levels yet their focus and their prioritization is in "unconventional venues of success" and they're suceeding there as well, those people are 'self-actualized.'

The rules are acknowledged...but they're applied by that person's standards, and in that person's unique ways based on a totally self-aware spectrum......

It's summed up well "One must know the rules and oneself, in order to bend the rules to your satisfaction, and not break them to your destruction.' Dahli Lama

That's self-actualization....it requires that you take all of "what you know" - based on everything you've learned through life experiences and external influences and research it for "truth" to you - by your standards and definitions, based on YOUR needs and your goals, with YOUR awareness that YOU are responsibel for your happiness, success and secuirty and YOU have defined those status quos as being present OUTSIDE of situations, possessions, positions, relationships, or titles.

Self-actualization is a truly existential level of "self-realization".

Now that ought to confuse you.

But basically, anything in extremis is not balanced. What has never failed to be a great irony to me is that I took on extremism in an extreme way - but in a sport that requires hte utmost balanced in the most uncontrollable conditions if I am to survive.

In going from someone who abused you because their values entitle them to do it to meet their needs...and now attracting someone who's values enttile them to use alcohol to meet their needs....you're the same person you were, the situations iwll be different, but the results in the end will be similar.

No matter whre you go there you are....I knew I was out of my patterns the day that people I had once attrcted, and the type I had once attracted were repelled by me...and me by them. The day my "logic had to stop my feelings from making me doing something stupid" - I knew I had changed my patterns...not just my values.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:53pm
Unfortunately, you are probably right.

Yet another lesson learned.

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