i gave him space by taking a break

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
i gave him space by taking a break
35
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:24am

we've been together 3 months - so happy & strong.in love,almost living together. but the past 3 weeks i felt that something is worrying him, that lots of things have changed in his life past months (he finally got a stable job, etc.)and that he needs some space...lots of reasons for that but i guess the main one is that he needs to realise whether he is ready for a relationship with me, a new one to him after being 4yrs (2 of them unhappy and full of fights) with another girl

i left on sunday, he cried.... on tuesday he tried to contact me - said he feels bad for doing it to me. but i need to be sure again that he loves me, that he needs me... i also had a painful break up last year but now im sure that im in love with my bf and that i need him

i dont know how to fill in this emptyness, created by our break. dont know how to continue to keep off from calling him, to tell him that i miss him hell...

im afraid that he will take long time before he decides and im VERY afraid that he will decide to stay away from me and be single.....

i need ur advice and ur words of reassurance

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 11:19am
I think the best thing you can do is give him the space he wants. Believe me, if he is still interested in keeping the relationship going, he will come back. What is that old analogy...that men are like rubber bands...when they get too close and feel like they need "space" they stretch out like a rubber band away from you...but eventually like the rubber band, they come back. Calling and going after him will only make him stretch further away. You have to allow him time to miss you and realize that he wants to be with you. If he doesn't come to this conclusion and doesn't come back, well then would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you anyway? I know it's hard, but just give him the space and concentrate on yourself for a while. Hope it works out..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 5:20am

thank u 4ur reoly.u r right.y-day we talked,he wanted to meet this evening "just to dine in the restaurant & chat".i asked if he has made his mind already or it means only that we will meet,chat and go apart again. i had the impression that he wants to transform our relationship that was deep and serious until now into the game of Friends with benefits. Coz he said "come on, i havent thought it thru yet, i still dont know if i'm truly ready to be with someone.but why u refuse to meet? i really want to see u." but see me for what? im sure if i see him again, until he reassures me in his love i would cry and be restless. i would not be able ot have a casual chat about nothing. i need to know that he needs be 100%.

so i told him that. i told him that i see no point in seeing each other until he is ready to have a serious talk with me. that it hurts me otherwise.he said ok and left the chat (we were talking on MSN, horrid tool to solve couple problems....)

i'm so lost, so down. i cry all the time i'm alone and the city feels so empty without him. why everything changed so rapidly? what should i do? did i do the right thing? he has keys to my house and i'm thinking to ask them back in a week, if he doesnt decide by then....

:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 4:09pm
i think you did the right thing. just give him space and tell him you are not interested in being friends. when he wants to talk about the relationship, then he can contact you. don't let him have his cake and eat it too. my ex tried to do that. he wants you around because he's lonely, but he doesn't want to give you what you want. don't stay in contact with him - very important. try to concentrate on other things now. it's ok to be upset, it's only natural. it's hard to be strong, but you have to do what's best for you. hang in there...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:36am

thank u so much for ur support.i need to hear these words now.i have blocked him on my msn and he is there daily almost 24/7.since we r not together seems like he doesnt even go out. i still think of him and still have a hope that he will call and ask me back.

its like there are 2 people in me. one is sure that its over,that he doesnt love me and this was a way for him out of this relationship. another one hopes, remembers how caring and loving he was to me up to the day we had the talk and i gave him the space. and this person hopes that after having all the freedom he needs to take care of his job he is so afraid to lose and other worries he had,he will be back more loving than ever....

i just hope that the 2nd person, who is stronger in me, will not end up heart broken...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:04am
Of course you are going to be hopeful that you two will get back together, that's only natural. It may happen and it may not. The important thing to do is to try not to dwell on it too much. Don't sit around and wait for his call. I like to look at these things in a Zen way. You don't have any control of what other people feel and do; you only have control of yourself. So concentrate on your life right now. Keep busy with things that you enjoy and make you happy. I recommend this book ---> "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. It helped me a lot through my breakup.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:23pm

u cant imagine what ur support means to me. during the day i have ups and downs.sometimes i feel calm and peaceful.i feel ready to go on with my life with or without him. and at other times all is dark around and i miss him hell. i ask myself what he is doing and whether he misses me - its been 5 days since we last talked. and Valentines approaching doesnt make me feel any better

but oh well, lets see how it goes. i have a big exam tomorrow (still a student) and i well prepared thanks to lots of free time. i just pray that this uncertainty ends soon coz im really no good with it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 9:20am
What you're feeling - the ups and downs - is totally normal. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel that. It will take time, but that will fade and you will feel stronger. Just take it one day at a time and try to stay in the "now"....don't dwell on the past and don't worry about the future. Write a list of things that were bad about your relationship and whenever you feel sad and start to miss him, look at the list. You will get through this. Have you had other breakups in the past? I'm sure you were devastated over those...you probably never thought you'd get over it, right? But you eventually got over them, and you will get over this too in time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:11pm

he just called me again. wanted to meet, told me so many nice things. but when i asked if he took a decision and that we will not meet until he decides he told me that he is sure he cant invest in the relationship.he cant be with someone 100% right now. and i told him good bye. that i cant.....we talked for 45 min, he begged not to hang up, not to leave him like that, to let him see me from time to time... i refused, said good bye and put down the receiver...

i know its good that its over now rather than in 2 years, i know that i did the right thing, i know that its just another break up and everyone goes trhu it. but it hurts so bad. i was so happy with him. he was so in love, he wanted to be together, we had so many plans... and now im alone. again. another break up. another heart break. it will heal i know but it kills me that yet again it didnt work out. i ask myself if it is my problem or its just a second guy who is afraid of commitment... yet i never asked him for anything, never talked about the future, never ever behaved in a way that could freak him out...

i cant imagine not seeing him again, not being togehter, continuing my life like i never knew him. i cant. i just dont understand how can someone do that - he is sure that he doesnt want to lose me, that i'm the best. and yet he doesnt want to be a part of a couple...

i feel so hurt... i just dont know what to do... i told him that its over and asked not to look for me - its best if we dont see each other at all....but right now, in my apartment i dont feel that strong at all... i just want to crowl and die...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 4:23pm
Good for you! You did the right thing. You are looking out for yourself, he is only looking out for him. He is being selfish by telling you that he can not give 100% and still wanting to hang out with you, regardless of your feelings. And good for you that you are not letting him do that to you. Believe me, I know how hard this is. I went through a breakup with my ex 9 months ago. We went out for 5 years, lived together for 3. He could not commit, so I left. I never thought I would get over it, I never thought I would be happy again, but I am. It takes a while. You have to let yourself grieve. It's normal to feel like your world is falling apart...it WILL get better. Read that book I mentioned to you, that helped me so much. Yes, I know being alone again is so hard. It was very painful for me, especially because we lived together. I had to start all over again. But I did it, and you can too. I spent a lot of time with family and friends at first. Eventually I joined some new clubs and met some new people and I am feeling much better. If I would have stayed with him, it would have been more years of my life wasted with someone who could not give me what I wanted. My life is completely different than it was a year ago, it is unbelievable. It's so hard to conceive of when you first break up because you feel so awful, but you WILL be happy again, I promise. Just let yourself go through the grieving process and KEEP BUSY so you don't think too much. Hope you feel better...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 4:35pm

thank you so much for being there for me all these days... u do feel better reading your story. i cant even imagine how u went thru ur break up after being with him for so long...

i just have one question to u, before i turn the page - my close friend told me just now that she is sure he freaked out and that this last conversation when i really pushed back will make him think and possibly rethink it - when he will finally realise that he lost me and its serious. she said she is sure that he will reappear in 3-4 days and will try to persuade me again. that i should meet him at that time but stay firm. and she thinks he will crack up then, not to lose me. coz he said himself many times that he is too attached to me to lose me. and if this doesnt happen, it will mean that he is fine losing me and all those were just empty words..

being completely honest, it gave me a little hope and calmed me down. i started looking at it as a game - he knows that i will not accept his rules, so will he accept mine? (mine being normal relationship like we had before...).. or is it completely stupid to think about this possibility and its better to grieve it now and refuse it all

once again, i cant even express my gratefullness for ur support....

Pages