i gave him space by taking a break
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| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:24am |
we've been together 3 months - so happy & strong.in love,almost living together. but the past 3 weeks i felt that something is worrying him, that lots of things have changed in his life past months (he finally got a stable job, etc.)and that he needs some space...lots of reasons for that but i guess the main one is that he needs to realise whether he is ready for a relationship with me, a new one to him after being 4yrs (2 of them unhappy and full of fights) with another girl
i left on sunday, he cried.... on tuesday he tried to contact me - said he feels bad for doing it to me. but i need to be sure again that he loves me, that he needs me... i also had a painful break up last year but now im sure that im in love with my bf and that i need him
i dont know how to fill in this emptyness, created by our break. dont know how to continue to keep off from calling him, to tell him that i miss him hell...
im afraid that he will take long time before he decides and im VERY afraid that he will decide to stay away from me and be single.....
i need ur advice and ur words of reassurance

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my friend told me today "r u sure u r not complicating things out of nothing? why talk about 100% committment after 3 months only?? why not sit back and just enjoy ur time with him?? maybe he misunderstood u??"
but i think - i told him so many times that all i want is to be happy again with him, that right now im far from thoughts of marriage. but he replied that he needs more time for himself now and that he prefers keeping me in his life but being "alone" in a sense.
i also think - "how could he let me be so miserable these past weeks and not try to comfort me? how could he be so egoistic if he really loved me? if he felt pressure from the seeming demand of 100% commitment from my side - why didnt he talk it thru with me and try to sort it out? why its me who has to worry if he misunderstood me? why i have to be the most mature one in this relationship??"
and u r right, it does set me back every time we talk. and i cant even imagine what will happen if we meet. coz all i need now is his love, his care and lots of reassurance. and instead each time he talks about himself and what he needs....and im tired of silly hopes about the day he will return and tell me he changed his mind....
its so scary..while we were together i was so happy with him, i saw his negative points but i didnt make big deal out of them. i joked that he is selfish at times and only couple of times got really angry and told him that. i appreciated every little thing he did for me and never expected more. maybe the reason for all that is i was just out of the long relationship where the guy treated me like a queen (spoiling me often) but then ended up cheating badly just before moving in together... and with this new guy i was telling myself "this one doesnt pretend. he is REAL"...
how can i refrain from idealising a man too soon? and what is too soon? 3 months? i got so relaxed, so happy that no matter our differences i felt good with him. and here u go...
am i silly to worry that at the age of 27 all i have to remember are the relationships that didnt work out? i have a feeling that once i relax and feel in love (with my ex it happened around New Years) things fall apart.
why do we always have to be bitchy in order to keep them? to always stay on garde, not to do everything to please them? for the first time i decided not to be difficult in a relationship and to be more accepting, and the guy took the control over and told me he is better off single... i just wonder...
I'm in the same boat. I thought my ex was such a wonderful person and I was so lucky to have met him. He was so *different* and *better* than my ex before that. I'm trying not to make that mistake now with guys I meet. From now on, no one is special. Sure, there are really nice guys out there, but I try to take things slowly and not make assumptions too early. Forget the time frame, just don't idealize anyone, even if you're married to them for 10 years. No one is perfect. You know the saying, love is blind? It is so true. Everyone falls into that trap. The best thing to do is to go slow, and keep your eyes opened and be aware of how things actually are right now in the present, not how you want them to be or how they could be in the future. And if something doesn't seem right, address it. you are young, you have the rest of your life to meet nice guys, don't worry. i am 34 and I met a really nice guy a few months ago.
you can't worry about being bitchy and making them chase you and all that crap. just be yourself...it will just happen naturally, no games. just take a break from thinking about guys and relationships. concentrate on yourself for a while. eventually you will feel better and ready to open yourself to another.
today i woke up & realised that in my dreams i dont see his face anymore. its starting to erase from memory - its been one month that we havent met. i still have sadness in my heart when i think of him and of how our story ended. i still ask myself at times those troubling "whys?". i am still not ready to face him and even less to be his friend. but its slowly healing...
amasing..its like you can look at it from two different points of view, two people with two feelings. one is dramatising, perfectionnist with a broken dream, the one whose trust and heart was broken and handed back cruelly, the love that was rejected - "it was great being with you, but right now this is not what i need in my life"
another one takes a deep breath and says "ok, what makes me cling on to him? to this relationship? what did this relationship give me anyways? was he much better in ALL aspects than any other guy i ever met? what makes me think that no longer being his gf ruins my world? makes me want to die? stop believe in good things? and, in the long term, would i want him to be my only one and the father of my kids?"
and little voice in me tells me big NO. i always felt that he is a bit too egoistic, a bit too immature in his reactions, a bit too nervous over silly things that could ruin his day and he consequently ruined mine...i joked over it or pointed out briefly and forgot. but in the long term these things matter so much to me...
so i guess its true that "whatever happens, happens for the best" and "God knows better"...
abcd2girl, you cant imagine what your support meant to me all these weeks, this long and painful month. i'm so much better.. and no "thanks" is enough to express it
It sounds like you are really starting to heal. Realizing that he is not perfect after all and you don't think he's the ONE you would want to be with for your life is a good thing.
The thing you mentioned about clinging to him and feeling like this breakup ruins your world...I recognize these things in myself too and I think that it has a lot to do with self esteem. When we don't feel good about ourselves, sometimes we cling to others and based on their reaction to us, we feed off that. If your ex had a good reaction to you, you would feel good about yourself. If he had a bad reaction (like now) you feel badly about yourself. We have to learn to feel good about ourselves BY OURSELVES, you know what I mean? We can't base how we feel on how others feel about us.
Glad to help...this board was very helpful to me when I was going through my breakup because everyone is going through the same thing and they know how you feel, so I'm happy to help others.
u r right. i think my 'clinging' on you him is due also to the fact that i am not from this country, and this city and have limited circle of friends here. he was born here, its his city. so with him life was more fun in a sense. my best friend accuses me in using often the guys i date as my "entertainment". i hate to be alone and since i moved here and restarted all it took me a while to feel comfortable. i still plan ahead my days and hate being home alone doing nothing. its my big problem - i get depressed if i spend all day by myself (i'm a true Gemini!! :))
but this past month that i lived without him for the first time i managed to keep busy without overloading my friends with my presence and being ok by myself. signing to sports club helped a great deal - i go there three times a week!!! since all my friends live in couples i see each one of them once a week but no more. plus i study and work so...
i'm trying to address this problem of 'my bf is my entertainment" as i feel my friend is right. although with my current ex we didnt do special things when together - i just enjoyed his company. yet... he kept my weekends full and i was happy - i didnt have to plan anything...oh well - good things are yet to come our way, right? :)
i came back here -before it gets too messy in my head and i call him. I recently found out that my ex deleted me from his msn list and it hurt me immensely. although i deleted him much ealier i didnt expect him erasing me like that. and since then i often have this thought turning in my head "does he think its all my fault that we broke up?", "does he realise WHY i refused to continue relationship on his termes?" "What if he doesnt?"
sometimes i am so tempted to call him to talk. but then... its been two months that we last saw each other and one month since he called (yes its sad - i remember dates..). I dont know why but no matter all justifications in my head of "why i should get over him" it hurts me that he might be silly enough to be mad at me and blame me for this break up...
so i give myself two reasons why not to call him - that if he is so immature not to realise What really happened between us, do i really need him in long term? And his words about his previous ex - that she dumped him and when she called to ask him back he refused to see her. im afraid he will treat me like that...
pls tell me im silly... i need a good shake to get back on the track. or to call him and get it over with???
Sounds like a good plan!
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