I hate being like this, help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
I hate being like this, help!
4
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 9:58am

I have been so happy with my bf (a very brief background on "us": we dated for 4 years, broke up for 2 years and within that time we both did a lot of growing. i was engaged and broke it off and he experienced a lot too. we both felt it was necessary to get us to the point we're at now- happy and back together). We have seen each other practically every day/night for the past month. I get so excited to see him and miss him when we're not together. This is exactly the way things were with him when we were together years ago. I love him so much that sometimes it hurts. i can't explain it, but maybe some of you can relate. Well, I almost hate myself for feeling this way. It's like I wake up in the morning and hope I'm going to see him that night. And I wonder about it until it's discussed. It's like I can't relax until I know.

With my ex-fiance, I didn't care one way or another if i saw him so i didn't feel "needy" like i am right now. I actually preferred not seeing ex-fi over seeing him--(i should've known then that things with him weren't right!). My bf and i didn't see each other Tues. night and i spent time with my best friend which was fun. I do see my friends often, usually during the day while he's at work. Now, I know it's summer and I'm a teacher so i have TOO MUCH free time. When i go back to work i don't think i'll be so dependent on plans with him.

I just really hate feeling like this needy girlfriend. I don't think I present myself like that to him--b/c he makes an effort to see me just as much as i do him. Tells me he misses me when we're not together, etc etc.

Can anyone relate to feeling like this? How do i stop? I do keep myself busy, not sitting at home all day---How do i just relax about it all? Ughh!!! It's almost better NOT being in love, lol...

I just read my horoscope and i thought it was so fitting! Read on:

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, August 4:

Feeling bewitched, bothered and bewildered? Well, no wonder -- love has cast a snare over you and a certain someone. Why fight it? Go ahead and surrender. You know this is what you've always wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 2:32pm

That anxiety you're feeling when you're not around him (and don't know when you'll see him again) is called "obsession". It goes hand in hand with the realization that you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. hehe. There aren't enough minutes in the day to provide for the time you want to spend together. Ain't love great?

I know exactly how you feel (and so do MANY women and men on these boards, I'm sure). I've been there, and I've felt that anxiety too. Unlike you, my BF didn't exactly make extra time for me when I was in my head-over-heals infatuation stage. We broke up (like you guys) and grew up a bit before getting back together. Now, we're stronger than ever, and my "can't wait to see you" obsession eased up. Moving in together probably had a lot to do with it ;) But I do remember feeling like I needed to get out more, so I don't go crazy. So I did. I made plans with friends and family, and forced myself NOT to obsess. The time apart helped remind me that there IS life outside of my relationship with him. It's a tradition I continue today, 6 months after moving in (we've been together for 2 years). Sometimes he joins me, sometimes he doesn't. But I am secure enough to relax because I know he loves me too.

All I can say is that the overwhelming feeling you have for him is, as you know, love. It's your heart screaming "HOLD ON TO THIS ONE!". Enjoy the time you spend together, and also make a very conscious effort to enjoy the time you spend apart. No man enjoys a woman that can't seem to keep busy when he's not around. That's too much pressure and too much responsibility!

Congratulations on finding a wonderful partner - Cherish it properly - don't obsess :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:18pm
thank u for ur response. i just fear that maybe he doesn't want to see me all the time. i just text messaged him asking if we're seeing each other tonite. i tried to hold out to see if he asked me but i couldnt. because if we're not, then i want to make other plans. i havent gotten a response yet. ughh...someone once gave me the analogy of holding sand in your hand. the tighter you hold on, the more it falls through. i don't want to hold on too tight but at the same time i'm dying to see him! i figured it was ok to ask him about tonite, since he asked me about last nite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 1:54pm

Hon, keep busy. Don't allow your feelings for him to hinder your independence.

It will not hurt your relationship - In fact, it will show him that you are not simply sitting at home, waiting for his call every night. It's awesome that you want to see him every single night (I know how that feels!), but it's priceless when you can call to invite him to join you in some plans you're making with your own friends. For example, "Honey, I just spoke to Carol, and we made plans to go out to dinner with a few friends. John will be there too. Would you like to join us?" And follow through with your plans, even if he passes on the offer. This not only shows him that you are not completely dependent on his availability, but also makes it clear that you would enjoy his company if he wanted to go, too.

Trust me, men hate when a woman's entire happiness depends on them. That's a lot of pressure! If I were on the other end of the stick, I would hate it too.

My BF and I have our own social circles, and we often make plans with our friends as a couple. If one of us can't make it for an uncomplicated reason(headache, working late, etc.), the available one will still make a presence. It not only shows our friends that they are also an important part of our lives, but we are both on the same page as far as independence from each other. We're a couple, but I'm still Isis. And he's still Paul.

I think this approach is healthy. It's hard to do at first, but trust me, its worth the effort. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my happiness doesn't depend 100% on him, and he knows that too. So we can both just relax and be grateful that we enhance each other's lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 08-05-2005 - 2:24pm

yeah...i relate to "being in crazy love" and also "having a healthy independent life outside of the relationship". it's invaluable to have a complete life going on. i think this would get the men to not only recognize the fact that we r independent women but also really cherish the time that we do spend with them. it's really good to know that ur boyfriend makes plans and is an active participant. that's wonderful. and really, believe me, i much rather be "in love" than NOT! even if it means having to go through the "pain" of love. i know exactly what u mean! :-) i have the tendency to become 'needy' too when i am in love, but keep a good perspective, and remind urself often to not overwhelm him or smother him. an ex-boyfriend (who i loved dearly) had told me once "if you don't give me a chance to miss you, how would i get back to you". that did drive home the point that i needed to have a life in order to have a healthier relationship.