I have fallen for a gay man...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
I have fallen for a gay man...
4
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 3:00am
So how many people have seen the movie, "The Object of My Affection?" If you haven't, let me give a quick overview. Nina (Jennifer Anniston) meets this wonderful gay man, George (Paul Rudd) at a family dinner party and finds out that his current boyfriend is about to dump him, leaving him on the streets. She invites him to move in with her, as she has an extra room in her apartment. The two become inseparable; soul mates if you will. And of course, Nina falls utterly and hopelessly in love with George not only for who he is, but because he seems to give the same signals that he too could be interested in a female partner. I won't ruin the ending, but this is my dilemma. I told myself I would keep myself at a distance but I have fallen for my gay roommate. We have the relationship that I would dream about with any potential boyfriend, but there is just one small detail. Women don't interest him sexually. But, there have been times when we have shared very intimate kisses. Usually, under the influence of alcohol, though not much. How do you explain that? We recently just moved, him to the complete opposite side of the country, but we talk everyday. We have been through some very difficult situations together that have bonded us like no other person I have ever met; male, female, straight, or gay. As we were saying our goodbyes at the airport I gave him a letter I had written the night before confessing my attraction to him on a deeper level. When we talked about the letter the next day the subject of us advancing our relationship was never really approached. He agreed that has never felt as connected to another person as he has to me and that he loves me in ways he hasn't before, but again, no talk about our relationship. I know the distance will do us some good, but I miss him terribly and I know he misses me. It's so hard to talk about the subject though for fear of our friendship taking a sour turn, and that is something I don't want to encounter because I love him so much. I'm at a crossroad right now and any suggestions would be wonderful to help me get through this crazy time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 7:19am

You know this would be an impossible situation to actually be in a relationship with him. It isn't significant at all that you've shared intimate kisses. What you have is a very close friendship, and you need to focus on enjoying that without wanting anything more. If you attempted a relationship, then things would fall apart very quickly. He's not attracted to you sexually, and over time you'd probably come to resent that and it would be a wedge between you.

As far as what to do now, try to keep busy. Spend time doing activities you like, and try to get out of the house and spend time with friends to stay distracted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-15-2007 - 8:22am
Been there, done that, read the book, saw the movie, bought the t-shirt. Don't go there, girl! Whenever you start thinking about him in a romantic way - picture him having sex with a guy. Maybe that will help. Also - forget about the relationship. Even if you had a relationship with him - he would cheat on you with guys. Now you may feel that you wouldn't be jealous of him having sex with guys - but then there is the issue of AIDS. You will get over this guy eventually - trust me. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:50pm

I know exactly what you are going through. In 1994 I met my soulmate who turned out to be a gay man. He is 10 years younger than I am and in the beginning it was very difficult for me to keep things in perspective. We knew we loved each other and at some point discussed getting married. We made the right decision not to knowing that it just wouldn't be natural for him and unfair for me as I really wouldn't have him 100% as a husband/lover. We both deserve so much more. So we became the best of friends and rely on each other for everything. He moved in 1997 to the Seattle area and I visit when I can. We know that we love each other like we have never loved anyone else. We know that what we have is the most amazing relationship that most people would never understand. His family adores me and vice versa with my family. He is a big part of who I am. Very few people would ever understand the relationship but we were open to all possibilities. In July I went to visit and we went out to a romantic dinner (we have amazing romance...little presents....special little nicknames......you know.) At that dinner he confessed that he loves me more now than he has ever loved me and was thrilled that he had allowed himself to love me. (We both have some intimacy issues....but not with each other.) We both have set the bar high for each other in looking for the right person and know that there is a slim chance that we will find someone to love us like we love each other but we continue to try. I can't imagine my life without him. He recently has been the recipient of a rather large inheritance and told me over the weekend that the attorney was investing a portion of his money so we can retire together comfortably and looks forward to supporting me in my old age. We talk a lot about sitting on the porch in our rockers together...(seriously he is 10 years younger so he would be caring for me for real.) He knows me like no one knows me and I trust him like I have never trusted anyone before. He is my soulmate.

The reason I am telling you this is I highly recommend that you not try to make your relationship into something it shouldn't be. Don't take the chance of losing this man. You can love him and still be the most important person in his life without having what most people would find conventional. All friendships have value and I would hate if you risked losing what you could possibly have with him. Be open to a loving relationship a little different than what you are accustomed to.

If you have any further questions or want to chat about this please feel free to email me.

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 10:01pm

I have never been in your position, but it might help to get some distance from him by not speaking everyday. If you could manage that then maybe you could become more emotionally available to a man who could not only reciprocate your feelings but also be of the same sexual orientation. At best, this man can (over time) stay a really good friend if enough time passes and you both meet other people to fill up the hole in your hearts.

Do whatever you normally do when you have broken up with a man with whom you have been dating to help the time pass and heal your wounds.

As far as him kissing you, maybe he was just experimenting.