I have no idea what's going on....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
I have no idea what's going on....
18
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:11pm
Ok... long story. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, we had a normal relationship, some ups some downs, but overall it was good. Two weeks ago, he stopped answering my phonecalls with no explanation. Now the week or two before this, there was no indication from him that anything was wrong BUT I had both gotten upset with him and broken up during a fight and then had asked for a break for a few days about a week later. Not a breakup... just a break. This hurt him, a lot, because like a normal guy he told me he wasn't hurt he was "pissed off". In guyspeak "you hurt me". After this he started talking about putting us on the backburner, picking it up in a few months, saying that "we both needed to work on our lives", things like that. Now, never during this relationship did he EVER want to break up. He was the one constantly reassuring me telling me that he never wanted to end it, the thought never came to him, etc. Now he asks for this "backburner" time, then I go away for the weekend, come home, we had a minor tiff on the phone and then he doesn't answer my calls for two days. Next day I talk to him I ask him if he's trying to end it he tells me "the thought of ending it has never crossed my mind, if it had I would tell you. I wouldn't take days or weeks to tell you.. I'd just tell you." Then two more days of no phonecalls, then he calls one day like everything is fine, we talk and laugh and have a nice time, that was two weeks ago. He hasn't answered my calls since. People have told me to give him time and space, but I, have been calling him everyday and I have begged, literally cried and begged for him to tell me what's going on, and if its over... to please just tell me. Through an email even, I just want to know. I've heard nothing.

Now I've accepted the idea that it probably is over, but I feel like he's trying to keep the option open of coming back. I'm doing my best to go on with my life, and as he had suggested the week before to "put this relationship on the backburner". But what bugs me is why he won't tell me its over. I have this feeling he'll call, and maybe he just needs time and space, but that's my feeling.

Can anyone here shed any light on this? Has this ever happened to you? Why won't he tell me its over???

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 2:07am
Well, he told you he wanted some space after YOU had asked for a break. He was hurt and after reflecting on it, probably decided it was a good idea for both of you. He said he wanted to put the relationship on the backburner for a few months. A few months is probably an excessive amount of time for a break, and if you thought that was too long you could have told him that. However, you just ignored what he told you and you were surprised and dismayed when he stopped calling. He thought you two were on a break. You had the right to say you'd prefer to break up entirely, or tell him how long you'd be willing to wait (and then done so without trying to contact him), but you can't force him to see you before he's ready. In essence, that's what you've tried to do. You haven't even given him one day without an emotional phone call from you. He told you he didn't want to end things permanently, but your messages to him imply that you don't believe him. If you did you wouldn't call him demanding a different answer from the one he gave you. You must accept the answer he gave you, or end it yourself if you can't accept it.

It's quite possible that he was telling you the truth, and that's why he won't tell you it's over. It's also possible that it's over, and he doesn't want to tell you because he fears an extremely emotional reaction from you. Your reaction to him backing off would give him good reason to feel that way.

The only way you can really determine if it's just space and time he needs or if all he wants is to keep his options open is to stop calling him. If you move on and he calls at some point, you can evaluate how you feel then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 5:48am
my thoughts on your story are that you see the truth but are trying so hard not to. This guy is not being totally honest with his ownself, let alone you. He is one of those types that says one thing and does another. He is flighty and probably in all actuality doesn't know for sure what he wants. At one point in time while he was in the relationship with you he felt he knew what he wanted but when the table turned a notch he turned with it. It's not saying that he hasn't cared for you but now he has had the time to think about you and him and him by himself. Not to hurt you or rain on your parade he could also be on the sly and has met a new someone. I wouldn't think of it as a serious thing even if that is the case because going from one relationship into another quickly tells you that he is confused in his ways of thinking, acting and feeling with the human heart. Whatever his reason or decision is you can't look at it as a fault in you or where did I go wrong, or question yourself to death. Loving someone sometimes can become a painful experience, but a learning one. Walking through the fire of someone not wanting you in return is very painful but one you will get through...I promise. Sometimes life throws a curve and we want all the answers to every question that plaque our mind while we are grieving from our broken hearts. When no answers come around or no reason can be explained or found we start thinking up negative thoughts of ourselves and start blaming ourselves for someone else's ways. You cannot make this person call you, love you, tell you or even come back to you. If his heart is truly for you he will come around but quit putting your life on hold, expecting it to happen, because if it don't you will feel lots of guilt and anxiety and those are negative emotions that you can set aside while you deal with the loss of a person you gave your complete self to and got betrayed. We sometimes pick the wrong people for ourselves and it is ok to cry and feel the loss, that is a natural human emotion that God built inside each and everyone of us. Go ahead cry, scream, hurt, love, hate, do and feel all of it but release him and let him go if you must. Your soulmate is not with him. You cant make someone love you forever and nowdays it is hard to find that one true and only for a lifetime..If you do you are lucky and it was the true soulmate for you. Realize that not everything or everyone that you might feel or want is right, is right for you. Only the man upstairs knows and you must put your energy and heartache toward your higher power to overcome and get through whatever is going to happen...whether he comes back or not and start mentally telling yourself each and everyday that you are worth being completely and totally loved. Not partially or half-heartedly but all the way baby. If this guy can't give it to you well...I would say, your loss sweetie and onward we go toward the hope of a new tomorrow and of a new, true and lasting love that God intended for us to have.. don't believe that what you feel all the time has to be right, because emotions that we have are sometimes the worst of the wrong. We have to also live by gut instinct and intelect. Pick yourself up girl, only you have control of yourself and future...not this guy. Don't let him rob another day of the gift of life you have been given. He is no better then you, we are all equal but sometimes we make a wrong turn and get hit head on...it hurts but you will survive and even maybe on your way to the most happiest and fulfilling love of your life, but your stifling it from happening by worrying over someone who is not even caring and moving on with their life. Dont waste your life or time, go with liking yourself and believing that all good things come to those who wait....Best of Luck...Angelofpassion44
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 9:13pm
Don't wait for him. You decide.

And for the love of all that's good and holy, please stop phoning him and begging. You're giving your power away. Take it back.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 4:18pm
That's what I've been *trying* and I stress trying to do, but its hard. I have called him since BUT I have basically told him that I understand that he needs space and that I will do my best to give him that. That I did love him and if and when he does decide to come back and work on it again, that I will be willing to do that.

I've also told him that I was sorry for acting like a total freq and that I hope he can forgive me for that but that he left me in a really bad place and I was reacting to that. Also told him that I know if he did want to end it, that he would have told me that, and that if it takes 3 months, that I will wait for those 3 months but at the same time that I am getting on with my life and taking care of myself and those things I need to take care of. Doing exactly what he told me we both need to do.

What scares me the most now is what if I'm totally wrong and he has ended it? Or that maybe he has found someone else and he just won't tell me. Even though these thoughts go against everything he has EVER told me or what I know of him, the thoughts still plague me at times.

But I talked to my Mom, who is always right about everything, really she is its annoying at times but as I've gotten older I've come to respect her for that. She's told me that it sounds like he just wants me to leave him alone, and that I'm not doing that and that I NEED to do that. And if he said 3 months, then leave him alone for 3 months, and it may be 3 months, or 6 months or even a year, but its what he needs and wants right now. And if it was meant to be, it will be.

Its just really REALLY hard, but what else can I really do? But give him space and time to do the things he needs to do and the time to think about what he really wants. Just hard to let someone you love so much and something you do want so much in your life go. But thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:54pm
I just called him, but only to tell him that I got this job that I was after and really wanted and needed to get. I was upbeat and happy .. obviously.. and I just told him I called to let you know this, seems a little weird to call I guess but normally you would be the first person I would share this news with.

I also told him I was sorry that I've been such a freak with the phonecalls and emails the last couple of weeks, that I hoped he could forgive me and that I wasn't going to call anymore. That I was going to be busy with work and school, and because I was going to give him his time and space and that I understand.

Was that ok to do? Or was it a completely wrong thing? I'm still worried and anxious that I'll never hear from him again, though I still feel by now if he really wanted it over, he'd have said so. *sigh* Again.. this is so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:22pm
It was okay to do. Your last message to him was giving yourself some closure, and now he won't worry about you going off the deep end. Now leave it at that and don't call him again. Your anxiety will decrease the busier you are. It will get easier. If you start to panic later, practice deep breathing and talk to your mother because she's given you good advice all along. Congrats on your new job!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:50pm
Thanks :) The news about this job was an uplifting moment in what has otherwise been a very difficult, anxious and painful time. And thank you for the advice, I'm going to do my best NOT to call him though I really haven't given up on this relationship. I just realize now that I need to do what perhaps he's doing right now as well, put it on a backburner and see what happens. I have a lot to take care of in my life right now, and I need to concentrate on that.

I hope he does come back, I'm not going to even remotely lie about that but I know the only way I have any hope of salvaging this is by leaving it and him alone. I just hope when I do he'll remember what we had, and how much he did love me, and how happy we were and hopefully call again someday. I feel inclined to hold onto this as the last thing he said to me was that he didn't want to end it, and that he hasn't said anything to me to contradict that in this whole time.

And yes my Mom gives great advice, blunt and to the point which I respect, and this morning I called her at work and simply asked her "Mom should I call his mom and see what's going on?", her response a flat out "NO" and that held me back. Moms are great, annoying at times, but great. And if she thinks he just needs time, and thats all, then thats what I'll do. That and she told me that saying about "if you love something.. set it free" etc, and as much as I hate that saying, its what I have to do.

But my god I miss him so much :( Anyways, thanks again and I'll be posting again I'm sure.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:24pm

I'm glad to hear that you have decided to stop calling and truly give this man some space and time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 2:50pm
I really could use some more advice and support. Its been two days since I last tried to call him, and I'm starting to worry and become anxious again about the whole situation. I'm even fighting the urge to call him MOM and ask her if she knows what's going on. I know how that probably sounds but that's how desperate I feel right now. In the very last message I left him, a couple of days ago, I even said "I'm going by the assumption that you still want to be in this, as you haven't given me any indication that you do not.. so all my actions are stemming from that." I just wish I knew what was going on, and what was going to happen.

I've worried myself to the point where I've become physically sick, that's how much this is upsetting me. I haven't been able to eat at all, my sleeping routine is really messed up in that it takes me forever to fall asleep and when I do, I wake up from nightmares. I've lost 12 lbs in the last 2 weeks, and now that I'm sick with a stomach flu I can't eat right now either, I'm probably going to lose more.

This is putting me through hell, and I just wish I knew how or why he was doing this to me. He won't tell me its over, and yet he won't reassure me either. Its like he wants nothing at all to do with me right now, but yet he doesn't want to close the door on me in case he wants to come back. Or maybe that's just my mixed up way of thinking.

Anyways, I just needed to vent and if anyone new has any insight, please share it. Or even reassurance that I'm doing the best possible thing to try to save this relationship. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:00pm
I'm not going to tell you anything that will give you reassurance about his coming back to you. I don't know that he will no matter what YOU do. I will tell you something that's harder to hear. You are obsessed. Don't confuse obsession with love. It's possible that love is somewhere in the mix, but your extreme emotional response, your panic, your nightmares, and your physical illness are not about his absence or his failure to reassure you. Though you think you want him to just say it's over if that's the case, you'd react no differently than you are right now if he did that.

You are reacting so extremely because you have attached much deeper meaning to his departure than a mere need for space. You have (perhaps subconciously) decided that because he left, you are worthless. You have placed all your self-worth on his admiration of you, his validation of you, and his love for you so that without him you believe you have no value at all. You have fallen apart as a result of that. Even if he called you today and wanted to resume what you had, it would not fix your problem.

You need counseling to help you sort things out, to help you get in touch with your deep insecurities and lack of self-love, to help you to believe that you are inherently lovable, strong, self-directed, and able to stand on your own no matter what life throws at you, and to give you the tools to self-actualize. You absolutely have the capacity for all of that, and you deserve to be happy. Your mother can give you advice on what to do, as we can here, but no one can do the work you need to do for yourself except you. I think you need help getting started with that so please make an appointment with a therapist today. I know that this isn't the advice you hoped for, but it's the best advice I can give and I would be doing you a disfavor if I didn't tell you the truth. Best wishes.

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