I have no idea what's going on....
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I have no idea what's going on....
| Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:11pm |
Ok... long story. I've been with my boyfriend for a year, we had a normal relationship, some ups some downs, but overall it was good. Two weeks ago, he stopped answering my phonecalls with no explanation. Now the week or two before this, there was no indication from him that anything was wrong BUT I had both gotten upset with him and broken up during a fight and then had asked for a break for a few days about a week later. Not a breakup... just a break. This hurt him, a lot, because like a normal guy he told me he wasn't hurt he was "pissed off". In guyspeak "you hurt me". After this he started talking about putting us on the backburner, picking it up in a few months, saying that "we both needed to work on our lives", things like that. Now, never during this relationship did he EVER want to break up. He was the one constantly reassuring me telling me that he never wanted to end it, the thought never came to him, etc. Now he asks for this "backburner" time, then I go away for the weekend, come home, we had a minor tiff on the phone and then he doesn't answer my calls for two days. Next day I talk to him I ask him if he's trying to end it he tells me "the thought of ending it has never crossed my mind, if it had I would tell you. I wouldn't take days or weeks to tell you.. I'd just tell you." Then two more days of no phonecalls, then he calls one day like everything is fine, we talk and laugh and have a nice time, that was two weeks ago. He hasn't answered my calls since. People have told me to give him time and space, but I, have been calling him everyday and I have begged, literally cried and begged for him to tell me what's going on, and if its over... to please just tell me. Through an email even, I just want to know. I've heard nothing.
Now I've accepted the idea that it probably is over, but I feel like he's trying to keep the option open of coming back. I'm doing my best to go on with my life, and as he had suggested the week before to "put this relationship on the backburner". But what bugs me is why he won't tell me its over. I have this feeling he'll call, and maybe he just needs time and space, but that's my feeling.
Can anyone here shed any light on this? Has this ever happened to you? Why won't he tell me its over???
Now I've accepted the idea that it probably is over, but I feel like he's trying to keep the option open of coming back. I'm doing my best to go on with my life, and as he had suggested the week before to "put this relationship on the backburner". But what bugs me is why he won't tell me its over. I have this feeling he'll call, and maybe he just needs time and space, but that's my feeling.
Can anyone here shed any light on this? Has this ever happened to you? Why won't he tell me its over???

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By the way, congrats on your new job! Maybe there you'll meet a wonderful new man!!!
Alison
Hon, I understand your anxiety and pain over his disappearing act.
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I know none of you can tell me whether or not he's going to come back, or what's really going on in his head, even myself with as well as I felt I knew him can't say for sure what he's thinking right now. But when I have time to just sit and reflect, in a detached unemotional way, the way I would do for any of my friends who needed advice, things become a lot clearer.
I know I need to give him space and time, and to leave him alone, you are absolutely right as is my lovely Mom :), that's what his silence is telling me right now. I also think you're right in that he doesn't want an emotional confrontation, but I don't think its about ending anything, I think it might be more of my reaction to his telling me he needed to put us on a backburner. I reacted very emotionally to that, so maybe he just decided it was easier to just DO it instead of trying to explain it to me. He fears if he did call me now, with the messages I've been leaving with the constant questions and hintings, he'd face a barrage of emotions that he just isn't prepared to deal with right now. And from what I know of him as well, he's one of those guys who think if I had something new to tell you, I would tell you, otherwise go with what I've already said because nothing has changed. If it did, I would tell you <- something I heard quite often from him.
But regardless, bottom line, I need to give him his space and he even told me that I needed to get myself and my life together, and that "healthy relationships need to be able to survive time apart". And I know he believes that I couldn't make it one day, and my calling isn't helping that, so it needs to stop.
As for me needing therapy, I appreciate what you are saying and that you are only saying it because you care, but really my rant before was just that, an emotional rant. Its not who I normally am on a day to day basis. I've been through a lot in my life, past abusive relationships which I got out of and got counselling for, the deaths of both my Dad and my brother and another relationship ending in that same year, and sometimes to keep myself sane I need to let myself go a little crazy. I think my best therapy right now is to just keep myself busy, concentrate on work and school, and put this relationship on the backburner for now just like he's done and see where it leads down the road.
I'm sure I'll break down again sometime, and possibly give another emotional rant on here, but things are getting a little better day by day, and I'm sure they'll continue to get better in time. Thank you all so much for your advice, and for caring enough to give it, it meant a lot to me.
I don't mean to hammer you with this, but think about it and don't try to answer right away. You say you know your BF believes you can't make it one day without him. Think about why that is, aside from all the calling, because likely he believes that for a reason. In your first post you said your BF contantly reassured you during your relationship (that he never wanted it to end). Think about why you needed constant reassurance. Think about why he thinks you need to get yourself together. You have been through a lot of experiences in your young life that have caused you more pain than many people experience in a lifetime. You got counseling once because of abusive relationships, and counseling can also help you now. Your illness, weight loss, panic attacks, etc. really do indicate that there is more going on than the normal pain associated with break-ups. It's definitely good for you to get busy with your life, and to acknowledge that you need to let him alone, but it's "distraction therapy". That can be 100% effective when there aren't any issues besides recovering from a break-up. And it even helps to endure the pain when there are other issues, but it's not always enough. Just keep it on the table of consideration, okay?
Angellicagony,
Give it 3 weeks! Mark 3 weeks from the day you spoke to him last. If when that 3 weeks is up you feel you need to call him then do it.
I suspect you'll hear from him by then. Do not call him in the interim....it will only keep him away.
But thank you for the advice, I appreciate it and I will mark it on the calendar. You think I should make it 3 weeks since I last tried to call him, or just refrain from calling him until after this Friday has passed?
My decision to do what I posted earlier came about after a deep meaningful discussion with my cousin who asked me what do I think he's doing right now, what do I think he'd tell me if I could talk to him right now, what is my first instinct? My answer, "he'd tell me to leave him alone, that he needs his space." Then she said, "then why aren't you doing that?". I said,"because I'm afraid he'll never come back", and she said "don't you think he knows that? He doesn't think you can live a day without talking to him, and you need to prove to him that you can. You keep calling and you keep proving you can't. You need to stop that. You need to stop worrying about this , and thinking on it every single day. He said 3 months, give him 3 months. Stop hounding him. You're being clingy and dependent and no guy likes that." She even commented her own bf will walk out of the room if she starts with the barrage of insecure questioning. Heck, she even said he'll get in his truck and drive away for 3 hours. I'm not saying that's a perfect bf, but like she said "guys hate being forced to talk about their feelings." So I came to this realization that I didn't like who I'd become, clingy and dependent and insecure constantly questioning his actions, and his feelings. So I decided I need to change that. I don't like myself like this, obviously he couldn't handle it anymore, so maybe that's all it is. He needed space from it, whether or not its permanent is not something I'll know anytime soon.
Another part of my whole affirmation was to stop talking to people about it!! This doesn't include you wonderful people on here btw :), more the people I have become somewhat friendly with through an internet chat channel. I was telling one of them tonight about my decision, and the first thing they said was "that's guy a coward, dumping you like that." Now this person is the same one who told me when I had asked them for advice over what they thought was happening with him that "he's obviously out having sex with other people." Aiiii!! this makes me want to scream. I mean ok that's a possibility sure, but I know this guy, not them, I know what his feelings on commitment were, and if he were doing that he'd make damn sure to tell me it was over before he went out and started doing that. And even so, he'd gone over 8 months without it when he met me, I think its fair to say casual sex wasn't his favorite pasttime. But even so do I really need to hear that right now?? I know you set yourself up when you ask for advice, but some people I swear...
I'm already trying to fight off the negative thoughts and emotions inside of me, do I need to hear my worst fears spoken out loud? Good lord, some people have no tact. I'm not trying to be delusional here, I'm just trying to be hopeful. And if I'm willing to just file that hope away, and just get on with my life at the present moment, is it so wrong for me to have that?
I need to stop talking to these certain people and stick with talking to positive yet honest people like my family, close friends and you wonderful people on here. Yours and their advice is honest, yet compassionate and constructive. Just stop worrying about it, stop thinking about it, focus on the positive things in your life, work on making yourself a stronger person for yourself and your son, and this or another relationship.
I mean, is it so wrong that I hold out a *little* hope that this might work out for the best based on what he's told me and what I think he's doing? I'm not living on that hope, I'm just keeping that bit of hope in my heart. *sigh* Anyways, I just needed to rant. Thanks for listening. I need to go back and read that earlier post now and remember why I wrote it.
You can do anything you want to do, hon. And if you want to keep a shred of hope that he'll come back, that's what you'll do.
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