I just don't get it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
I just don't get it!
4
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 11:36pm
So, I’ve been very good friends with a male co-worker since we started working together about 14 mos ago. We go out for drinks after work, go to the gym together, go out with another co-worker and her boyfriend and occasionally do dinner together alone. In the beginning we were both in relationships and then we both broke up with our significant others at almost exactly the same time. We joined match.com and talked about trying to meet people and talked about our break-ups like friends do. Yes, I had a crush on him but I was convinced he was interested in another friend of mine so I never acted on my feelings.

Then there were a couple of signals that made me wonder. He rubbed my back one night in a manner more friendly than usual and another night we ended up holding hands briefly. I wondered, but never acted because he is my supervisor at work and the risk of incredible badness was just too great for me to ever do anything.

The first weekend in May, he went back home to visit friends and hooked up with an old girlfriend. She then came out here to visit Memorial Day weekend. When I would ask him about this long distance relationship and where it was going he was always noncommital and vague. Then the weekend before last, we went out with some co-workers. There was drinking and dinner and he and I danced together several times. When the others pooped out on us, we went on to another club and danced for a couple more hours. We then grabbed a cab and I thought I would drop him off at his place and then take the cab on to my place.

When we go to his place he invited me up. I didn’t think much of it because we had hung out at his place together before and I figured I would either call a cab after a couple of drinks, or sleep on the couch as he had offered before after late nights out. When we got upstairs he said he was going to take a shower. He came out of his room in his robe and then invited me to join him. I was really surprised, even more so when he kissed me. He said he has been wanting to kiss me since about 6 hours after he met me. I told him I had also had feelings for him for a long time. We made out and I spent the night. We did not, however, have sex because my visitor was in town, if you know what I mean.

The next morning he said things like, “We could just stay like this for the next 8-10 years” and “I finally have what I want” We talked about how we would conduct our relationship so as to keep it quiet at work and who we would be able to tell. There was some fooling around and a bj (which was not my best ever but he seemed satisfied) I justifiably believed we were beginning a relationship. We spent the day together and then that night at dinner he suddenly mentions that the long distance girl would be in town the next weekend. I didn’t quite know what to say. So, what I did say is for him to make a decision and that I could not get more invested until he did. “So just friends for now?” he asked. “I guess so,” I replied. Then he asked what would happen the next time we were out until 4 in the morning together. I said I didn’t know. When he dropped me off that night he asked if we were “cool”. I said yes and kissed him goodnight.

Then I e-mailed him to clarify that, while he was the only one who could decide what he wanted, I wanted him to know that I hoped he knew how much I wanted it to work out for us should that be his decision. He wrote back that he did not regret anything about the weekend except the timing and, while he had had feelings for me for a long time, he would be lying if he said he didn’t have relatively strong feelings for the other girl and it wouldn’t be fair to her not to “let things play out to their natural end, whatever that may be”

All last week he acted like nothing ever happened and so did I. I spent the weekend wondering what was going on with him and her and then the worst happened this past Monday. She actually came to our office in the afternoon so he could take her to the airport. I had to meet her and talk to her. It was awful!

So, I have no idea what happened. Did he think I was an easy lay? Was he testing the waters to see if there was something better out there before committing to long distance girl? I feel like I was tested, compared, and came in second best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:05am
I do not think he was out just to sleep with u, or he would of pursuied a long time ago,Be careful about office romances, they can make you uncomfortble .
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 4:26am
A question_does he or has he called you and talked to you on a personal level? Has he asked you out on dates with just you two (no friends?) It sounds like while he may be attracted to you, he is in a relationship, especially since everytime "she" comes around-you are put on the back burner. I would say he is definetly not in the commitment mode at any point. He can't even seem to commit to being faithful to the girl he is dating. Sounds like he may want something on the side while he continues a long distance relationship--since he told you basically he won't end it--but yet,,would have tried to have sex with you---if your visitor wasn't in town. He is giving you BIG red flags that he is not a trustworthy guy--do you even want to pursue someone like that? Even if he becomes single? Stop going to his house at 4am after drinking! Unless you want to become the "other women".
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:23am
I agree office romances can be dicey. I'm not saying never to have one but enter with caution.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:50am

Yes, I think he saw an opportunity to "get laid" and he took it.

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