I just dont know how to help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
I just dont know how to help
1
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:55pm
My boyfriend(22) and I (21) have been together for about three years and are beginning to plan a wedding that will take place in a few years. He grew up in a very emotionally and psychologically abusive household. He has always had to do what his parents want him to do and they would rarely help him with anything. His parents have promised to pay for his very last semester of school (this fall) and said that if he didn't go he would be out of their life forever. When he went to register at the beginning of the semester, he found out his father never paid and when asked his father said it was his responsibility. Because of the late date he was unable to get a loan to pay for school, but knew that he could never tell his parents that he wasn't going. So for about 2 months he lied to everyone (including me) and said he was going to school. The truth came out just this wednesday and his parents did kick him out of the house and his father told him that he is no longer part of the family. I love him so much and in a way could understand why he lied, but I'm still hurt by it. However he is now dealing with being totally alone in the world and he really only has me to turn to. He does have a group of friends but they are barely more then drinking buddies.

I just dont know how to help him. We have gotten into big fights the last two nights because I want to help him but dont know how and try in ways that he doesn't want or need. What makes it harder, is that I am dealing with my own hurt feelings. For example, tonight I was gonna go out with my friends but was really tired from a long week. My boyfriend said he didn't want to come out and was staying in to go to bed early, so for a number of reasons I chose to stay home with him. However, one of his friends called him about 30 minutes after I turned down my friends to go to bed and he decided he wanted to go out with his friends. I just felt terrible cuz I wanted to trust him but I couldnt and felt like he didn't want to be with me. However, I also knew that going out for a few drinks would be helpful. I was so torn, but I told him to go even though I was visibly upset. He then got mad and said he would stay cuz i was upset. This just turned into a huge fight as I tried to get him to go out. After I calmed down, I noticed that he still ranted and went between crying about missing his home and mother and being angry at my selfishness. I had no clue what to and felt really lost. I am going into counseling on monday to try to help both of us. My boyfriend says that he wont go into therapy and I refuse to push him.

I really love him and I want to help but I just feel lost and dont know what to do or what direction to turn to. Does any one have any ideas to help or any where I can look for more information? Thank you so much! We both appreciate it!

Just Need to Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-09-2004 - 9:23am
dancer108...

Pianoguy thinks you've been a player in a very complicated situation!

You've been in a 3-year relationship with a man who is incapable of making his own decisions...or even standing up for himself! YOU might love him like crazy, but his "demons" are starting to get to you.

First...suspend any thoughts of marriage. You can set a goal in 5 years to discuss the option a 2nd time, but marriage is clearly NOT in the cards for either of you right now.

Second...give your b/f his space. This is gonna be difficult, but unless he can come to terms with his parents...and especially himself...you're going to be in the 'verbal firing line' constantly! Take 3 months off. And irregardless of whether your b/f becomes angry, sarcastic, remorseful, apologetic or a combination...don't waiver! The man will say and do anything to keep you! But remember...you aren't his possession, you're supposed to be his friend!

Face it! Your b/f has personal issues (that might be resolved through counselling)...but SO HAVE YOU! Formulating your life around another person and expecting him to respond the way you want him to...WILL NEVER WORK! And it's clear from the tension...there has been too much of that coming from you.

Take a very long break, go out with friends, pursue a few interests you've put 'on hold' and start to experience a life that will PLEASE you. Don't you deserve this???

Pianoguy