I JUST met him-he wants to be my BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
I JUST met him-he wants to be my BF
8
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:29pm
Two weeks ago I met a very nice guy at a local dance club I go to. I am 30.....he is 27. We really hit it off, exchanged phone numbers, and that night....he left a message on my cell when he got home saying that he enjoyed meeting me, have a good night, and left me his cell number. I thought this was pretty sweet. I called him back the next day, we talked for a little while, and he suggested getting together. We got together the very next weekend and went to a local pub and talked the night away. There was real spark, interest, chemistry, kissing, affection, and emotional connection. After that we went back to his place and talked some more and did some heavy making out...I didn't let it go any farther and he was fine with that. Towards the end of the night he made some comments saying that he didn't want me to do this (physical stuff) with anyone else. He said that he wanted me all to himself. When I asked him what he meant, he said that he felt scared to say it...but he had a very good gut instinct about me...decided to take a risk..and wanted to know if I he and I could start "dating". When I asked him if he was asking me to be his girlfriend...he said YES. I told him I would like that. Now that I ponder my decision a few days later...I wonder if it is not a good sign that he tried to "claim" me soo quickly? Any thoughts? Thanks for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:40pm
LEt's play this back for you.....you met, there was spark, there was no official dating but lots of making out, he wants to now "take a risk" and start dating you and waht he doesn't want is you making out with other guys that you don't know but have a spark with - which he assumes you do on a regular basis because you are doing it with him.

I think all he's saying is "don't get physical with anybody else right now, let's see how far we can go with this thing physically and we'll date and see where it goes."

Don't expect it to go further than a few good romps in bed.....but it could. But he's not saying "I like, admire, respect, appreciate, and accept you as an individual based on your values and standards and think that you're great because of those things."

What he's saying is that you're fun, you're willing to get physical really fast, you're interesting and attractive - let's date and see where this goes, assured that because you like to et physical and don't require knowing the guy before you do it, that dating you will probably get him laid, at least once.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

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Registered: 12-04-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:59pm
DAMN you are good, Erin. I was hoping I wouldn't get that answer. Rose-colored glasses you know. But let me ask you this: What if two or three months go by, I still have not had sex with him and he is still pursuing me. Can I then assume that it is not just about the sex for him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:10pm
No, you can't assume anything. You can communicate honestly.

Youo've got to realize - you offered a "service" that is rare to stumble onto -no obligation physical gratification to some extent without the requirement to know this person as an individual.

If you two spend time together getting to know one another over several months and such - then it'd be safe to assume he's not just pursuing sex, because he's not getting sex, and you're making it very clear with your actions nad words consistently that sex is not something that you're going to do until you two share interests, values, and goals - more than just "chemistry and spark".

But - generally what people pursue is what they want. Rarely do we want apples and walk into the grocery store, walk past the apples and get milk and check out. What people are pursuing is what they're after......which brings to the point of "offering" too early - and then it's harder to say if what they were after was sex...or what they were after was dating and you offered sex...and so now they're getting both.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:23pm
As a guy, I may want to add my two cents...

Maybe you read my post, or not, but I can relate to what's going on with you...

When I first met her all I wanted was to get to know her. But on our first official date, we had a few more drinks... I told her that I was attracted to her ... big time and I didn't know if she was ready for a relationship or not, but my goal was for us to get to know each other first, she accepted - but there was no official title, we would just, date and be together then who knows. At the end of the date she was a little bit drunk and there were cops all over the place outside checking everybody out... I decided to hold her hand and told her that I needed her to look as normal as possible, we were riding in different cars so if she was spotted like that she was going to be in trouble. Once we got to the car she just couldn't drive, so I took her home in her car, mine stayed behind. We made out, but I told her that I was willing to wait... 2 more dates later alcohol was involved again, and afterwards the passion grew as well, but on these occassions I was more than sober since I was the one driving and I was responsible for her getting home safe, so she was the one making most of the moves... again I told her that I wanted to wait - I know it sounds stupid but this time it was more of a common sense decision on my part since she was under the influence I didn't wanted her to think that I took advantage of the situation... and God knows I could've ... We had a conversation afterwards, where she appologized for not taking it easy on the drinks - altough we had a great time and that really didn't bothered me, I liked her for who she was ... and she was being herself, all the time - and then, she asked me if I was holding back because she was drunk. I told her that I was attracted to her mind as well as physically and that if that would happen, then it would happen and I was going to be the luckiest man on earth... she just grinned and accepted... Unfortunately this relationship didn't work out, but I don't regret on my decision and if I would have a second chance I would do it again, because she ment more to me than just getting physical. So you see, there is a chance ... that this guy is being real, I know it sounds difficult to believe but... it might.

Just one piece of advise, please speak your mind, let him know how you feel at all times even if you know he'll not comply with you... And just enjoy it, it's already difficult enough to find someone that will be willing to be with you... just take it one step at a time and then the rest will come... Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 2:37pm
The guy just wants to date you without competition. I understand that completely. Personally, I wont date a woman who is seeing other people; I'm just not interested.

He likes you. That's all. And you like him or you would not have engaged in those hot and heavy makeout sessions. They were intended to raise the stakes, and leave him wanting you, were they not? So, it worked. He was doing the same thing. What's the mystery?

If you don't want exclusivity, tell him you've changed your mind. However, if you did that to me after having told me the exact opposite, I'd have serious concerns about your stability. More importantly, if he called you right now and told you he had changed his mind, you'd probably be very confused to say the least.

I would not assume anything about his intentions; I would ask him directly. If your experience with him in the near future matches his answers, you are golden. If it does not, you know everything you need to know.

You can not have the experience in advance of having the experience. You cannot guess at his intentions, then make decisions based on your conclusions. Else, why even have him in the relationship. Figure it all out, then let him know what happened in a post card. Sorry, you'll just have to risk it, as is always required of you (us).

Personally, if I really like someone, I want to see her exclusively. If she does not agree, that is okay; that certainly is her choice. At that point I just figure we are in different places in our lives and have different prioroties and are experiencing a different level of connection. At that point, I move on, before things get uncomfortable for either of us.

dh

DH

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 3:18pm
Thank you for your responses. It really helps to get a male perspective on the situation. Sometimes, getting advice from the same sex about the opposite sex unfortunately tends to invlolve a bit of generalizations and stereotypes about the opposite sex. I think thats just human nature though and not meant at all as a criticism top the female respondent in this thread. Its just helpful to hear a different take on the matter. Thank you to all who responded!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 4:43pm

Just keep in mind that it is *one* male perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:18pm
I'm inclined to agree with darkhorse. You say

"There was real spark, interest, chemistry, kissing, affection, and emotional connection."

and then you had a "heavy makeout session". I wouldn't advise that with someone you just met, but if you really feel that way, why wouldn't you want to be his "boyfriend", be "exclusive". I'll put it another way: if he felt "spark, interest, chemistry, kissing, affection, and emotional connection", what would you think of him if he was indifferent to you having "heavy makeout sessions" with other guys?

So if you want to keep seeing him, it makes perfect sense to me that you would be "exclusive".

You might want to think though about getting "more physical" too fast.