I Know He's Married.... But
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I Know He's Married.... But
| Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:09am |
Okay here it is....
I have had the pleasure of meeting a very nice man. He is a little older than me. I am 29 he is 40. Anyway we met about a good month ago. He takes me out on dates, we go out in public, have PDA's and the like. He did tell me upfront that he was married, but not happily. His take on the situation is this " He claims his wife is having an affair on him and that they are not doing well as a couple" Now while I know that most married men that cheat are gonna always claim that the wife is doing something to make the relationship unbearable, I kinda believe him for the simple fact that he does not try to bed me, when we get together it is about just being together enjoying each other's company and conversation. We did kiss finally after like 3 weeks of going out, and the kiss let me know that I was indeed physically attracted to him. Well this past weekend, we had plans to go to the movies and get dinner and so on, Well we never made it to the movies. We sat around my house for a while just snuggling and sitting close, sharing a few kisses and such. I was soooo turned on by him that I initiated sex between us.
I know it was wrong, because now he has crossed the line of not cheating on his wife. We made love and it was great, We did it not once, not twice, but three times in the same afternoon.
Now here's where it gets a little tricky. Very recently I have been reunited with a man that I was engaged to in the past. We have been knowing each other for a very long time, and have very real emotions for each other. In fact this time it could very well lead to marriage between us this time around. My concern is this... I know I should stop seeing my married friend, It isn't about sex with him I genuinely like this man and the way that he treats me. I know that we can not pursue more than a friendship because he is married and has no intention of divorcing his wife because they have small kids that he is very attached to, but at t he same time I find that he makes me feel really good. I know that if things do progress to the point of another engagement between me and my long term love and friend that I will undoubtedly break it off with my married friend. I am afraid of karma and feel like I have done a bad thing by sleeping with this married man, and even bigger than that I can't say for sure that it won't happen again. All I can say is that if I do become involved again exclusively that I will not be a cheater, but has the damaged already been done? I know it apppears as if I want my cake and eat it too, But he's the one that's married not me, Who is in the wrong right now? I am not married to anyone, or even exclusively seeing anyone at the present time. Who was more wrong for the physical encounter? Me or him? and if he and his wife are truly not together like that is it wrong to keep seeing him? I mean if she really is having an affair on him, am I wrong for being the one that he runs too?
A little confused, But fully aware of what I am doing...
I welcome any and all comments, I know I'm gonna get a lot of different responses to this one.
Peace
I have had the pleasure of meeting a very nice man. He is a little older than me. I am 29 he is 40. Anyway we met about a good month ago. He takes me out on dates, we go out in public, have PDA's and the like. He did tell me upfront that he was married, but not happily. His take on the situation is this " He claims his wife is having an affair on him and that they are not doing well as a couple" Now while I know that most married men that cheat are gonna always claim that the wife is doing something to make the relationship unbearable, I kinda believe him for the simple fact that he does not try to bed me, when we get together it is about just being together enjoying each other's company and conversation. We did kiss finally after like 3 weeks of going out, and the kiss let me know that I was indeed physically attracted to him. Well this past weekend, we had plans to go to the movies and get dinner and so on, Well we never made it to the movies. We sat around my house for a while just snuggling and sitting close, sharing a few kisses and such. I was soooo turned on by him that I initiated sex between us.
I know it was wrong, because now he has crossed the line of not cheating on his wife. We made love and it was great, We did it not once, not twice, but three times in the same afternoon.
Now here's where it gets a little tricky. Very recently I have been reunited with a man that I was engaged to in the past. We have been knowing each other for a very long time, and have very real emotions for each other. In fact this time it could very well lead to marriage between us this time around. My concern is this... I know I should stop seeing my married friend, It isn't about sex with him I genuinely like this man and the way that he treats me. I know that we can not pursue more than a friendship because he is married and has no intention of divorcing his wife because they have small kids that he is very attached to, but at t he same time I find that he makes me feel really good. I know that if things do progress to the point of another engagement between me and my long term love and friend that I will undoubtedly break it off with my married friend. I am afraid of karma and feel like I have done a bad thing by sleeping with this married man, and even bigger than that I can't say for sure that it won't happen again. All I can say is that if I do become involved again exclusively that I will not be a cheater, but has the damaged already been done? I know it apppears as if I want my cake and eat it too, But he's the one that's married not me, Who is in the wrong right now? I am not married to anyone, or even exclusively seeing anyone at the present time. Who was more wrong for the physical encounter? Me or him? and if he and his wife are truly not together like that is it wrong to keep seeing him? I mean if she really is having an affair on him, am I wrong for being the one that he runs too?
A little confused, But fully aware of what I am doing...
I welcome any and all comments, I know I'm gonna get a lot of different responses to this one.
Peace

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Try not eleviating yourself of any responsibility, he is the one that should have said no, however, if you were a stronger woman you wouldn't have ever gone out with him in the first place knowing he was married, you don't "kiss" platonic friends, you knew it would lead somewhere. You know what you are doing is wrong, if you were married would you like your husband taking other women out, spending money on her and sleeping with her? I doubt it.
I believe in karma too...you walked into it full on this time.
It amazes me daily what other people will do to others just to get their needs met. Yes, most married people that cheat tell the tale of the spouse cheating, the spouse being unaffectionate, the spouse being an oger. Most of the time, it simply is lies. He's not a wonderful man if he cheats on his wife and the mother of his children. All that makes him is a CAD!
Ahh yes it's always the wifes fault.
Give me a break, she doesn't take care of business at home? How do you know because HE told you. RIGHT??? I'd trust him as far as I can throw him. Next thing you'll say is what a great dad he is for staying in this marriage since he's so miserable. You aren't saying anything that any other OW has said about their MM. Your situation isn't unique. It's unfortunately sadly the same. You have no idea what goes on in his home, in his bedroom or their life together, for all you know they have a great marriage and she trusts him to be out with a "friend" and has no idea what he is doing. He does it because he wants to do it, he chooses too. If his marriage was so miserable he could get a divorce, apparently it's not that miserable.
Again, you are just using justifications for helping a married man cheat. If you want to have an affair with a married man, at least own the decision don't try to blame it on someone else.
You're afraid that you might screw up your karma to keep doing it, it's already been done, so why would you care now? Shouldn't you have thought of the repurcussions of your actions before? I mean you aren't just his "friend" why you keep claiming that is beyond me.
Friends do not kiss or fornicate unless you are FWB, but normally both are single.
If you don't want to have an "affair" then break off contact with him, if you can't, then keep doing what you are doing.
Edited 12/20/2004 12:29 pm ET ET by sweet_karma
By the way I'm in no way being mean about this, I'm stating my opinion of cheating and your situation and the excuses you are making for being in the situation, I don't get anything out of the outcome, and I'm not judging you, you answer to yourself and only yourself. I know why people say they cheat. But it's still not a justification in my opinion.
I don't think a man that cheats on his babies mother is a good man. Sorry we'll have to disagree about that.
Also staying for the children isn't noble by any means. Nobody ever said that men are awful blah blah blah. Men that cheat along with women that cheat are selfish. They think of themselves first and foremost above anyone else. If his wife and his children were a priority in his life than he wouldn't be laying down with you. THat is a fact!
If a man or woman is unhappy in a marriage, there is a divorce. It's easy to obtain and shows a heck of a lot more respect for his marriage vows and to the mother of his children then having an affair.
Men and women both need affection. They should get it from their spouse. If they are unhappy in their marriage, they should respect the marriage and get out. You'll never convince me that having an affair is noble.
Also just because his wife doesn't call doesn't mean a darn thing, seriously when people trust one another they don't need to nag and call all the time and hunt their spouse down, I don't understand why this would be such a red flag.
And I know you recognize the fact that it's an unhealthy relationship, but now you are saying you are just making it your mission to show him someone cares. I don't get it, with every new post it's a new "excuse" or reason.
What are you looking for??? I don't understand your question. You know what your doing is wrong, but it's okay with you, and you know that whatever cosmic happenings will come about will happen and you'll have to deal with them...so what's the question???
I've been married.
I've been tempted and propositioned numerous times while married and resisted the urge, even when my husband was treating me poorly.
I think it's your misconception that the wife isn't fulfilling her husband's needs. Not all men/women because their needs aren't being met, a lot just like the chase and the thrill of cheating...I've known plenty that get sex from their spouse every night and still cheat.
I think if you are happy with being 2nd best in this guys life, and you think it's perfectly okay with an affair because "she's not taking care of him at home" than keep what you are doing, it works for you, you enjoy the companionship and own the decision. But just be aware, that one day, you may be the one "not taking care of him at home" that he might be out straying, but of course, chances are he'd be lying.
If he'll do it with you, he'd do it to you. He's a liar. That's all I can see. I don't see anything redeeming about a man that cheats his family. It's bad enough for a man to cheat on his wife, but when there are kids involved I think it's even more henious and if he thinks his kids will never know. They will. They always do. All you need to do is look at the damage done from affairs every day, take a peak at the affair support board and the betrayed spouses board. It's nothing but pain and sorrow all around.
Good luck, I think you may need it. Maybe any companionship is better than nothing right now in life. I'd rather be alone than help destroy a marriage. But that's me.
Edited 12/20/2004 1:09 pm ET ET by sweet_karma
This marriage was destroyed before he ever met me. And he is just one of a few friends that I spend time with, so as far as being 2nd best, I can't agree. I wouldn't even say that our relationship is on that level.
If he'll do it with you, he'd do it to you. He's a liar
I do not want a relationship with this man and have made that clear in the previous post, so he will never be in the position to cheat on me. As far as him being a liar, I can't agree with that either. He never lied to me, I knew from the start what it was, so I could never call him a liar. I realize that for women who have been cheated on by their husbands that this is a very sensitive subject, but not every situation is the same.
As far as excuses for seeing him, I don;t think that I have made any, I am seeing him simply because I like him and I want to. He is the one who would probably need to make excuses. I am not married to anyone and am free to do whatever I want. However if I do become involved in a committed relationship I will cease the physical part of our relationship because I don't want to be a cheater. That's all I'm saying. I'm not looking for anyone to pat me on the back, or to agree or anything, because I know that married women will hate me for this post. Just wanted to give my take on the situation as I see it, I am sure that there are people who feel the same way I do. Perhaps they just don't hang out on this particular board. I am not a bad person, I am not bitter towards men, and I have no ill feelings for his wife. It's just a terribly unfortunate thing that I met her husband and we like each other. His marriage will survive our relationship I am sure of it... He will be able to go on like it never happened because I will not complicate it in any way.. I do not want him to leave her at all, I just wanna see him from time to time. Currently we only see each other about once or twice a week anyway.
I disagree that it's just "married women" who will not like your post or what you're doing...it's anyone who values character, integrity and monogamy that won't like it!
He may not be lying to YOU, but unless he and his wife have agreed to have an open r'ship, he's lying to her.
Yes, you are free to do whatever you want, but a person of integrity and character who values monogamy would simply NOT be involved in any way with a married man. They just wouldn't.
Sheri
He is a liar. He lies to his wife and his children, just because he doesn't lie to you doesn't mean he isn't a liar.
Your excuses are why you are having the affair, you keep blaming it on the wife, he owns this affair, he chooses to cheat, he is the reason for the affair and you are partially there because you allow it, but he's completely to blame. She is not. Sorry, she may not be the best wife and he may be unhappy however he is the ONLY person that made the decision to cheat. The excuses you keep making are to justify it in your own head that he's not a bad guy, he's just a victim of his horrible wife, and that he is a great noble man.
Those are misconceptions. Great noble men do not cheat.
You are right, he'll stay with his wife long after you go and he'll continue to cheat on her, you are probably not the first one and you probably won't be the last.
I don't think married women will hate you, I was married and I don't hate you. Maybe a BS whose recently found out about her husband might dislike your flippant attitude about it, but that's only because they are hurting.
Like I said, your happy in the situation so that's fine for you, no need to feel bad if your happy with the choices you've made. Why are you so conflicted about it if you are so happy with the decision and are so sure that it's so right because his wife is horrible?? I would think you wouldn't be too conflicted if that were true.
Edited 12/20/2004 1:42 pm ET ET by sweet_karma
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