I miss my friend/ Ex!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2007
I miss my friend/ Ex!
3
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:55pm

Hello,

This is my first time posting here. I need some advice on how to deal with my ex. We mutually broke up last year because he had to work 500 miles away from where I live but we remained in touch. I was never ‘madly in love with him’ or so I thought until we broke up. We definitely had something anyway.

We remained in touch for the first 6 months after our break up, talking on the phone for ours on weekends, exchanging work tips, gossiping, etc … I enjoyed talking to him and he knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling down. He dated someone briefly and so did I…We told each other everything about our new dates, etc….

3 months ago, I went to where he lives (on business) and didn’t have time to meet him which clearly upset him. When I went back home he never phoned me for a week…I phoned him and apologized then things got back to normal….

3 weeks later he came to where I live on business while I was away on business myself. Though I was only 40 miles away, we couldn’t arrange to meet. He said that ‘may be it wasn’t meant to be’! We still talked and emailed as usual for about a month then his calls began to be less frequent, he still emailed me more than once a week and said that he was really busy with work, etc

I went on a few dates and as usual told him about everything but it didn’t seem like he wanted to listen, he’d always change subjects and talk about work. All of a sudden, his emails became less frequent but he still texted me!

Last month he went away on business and his mobile phone was switched off all the time. When he got back I phoned him, he seemed very friendly but after about 15 minutes he said that he had to go and that he hoped we’d ‘chat soon’…..But he never phoned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sent him a forward yesterday and he never replied….Is he like…cutting me off??!! My friend tells me that it sounds like he is but I don’t want to admit it…

I am thinking ‘what have I done wrong?’ I’ve always been there for him when he needed me, may be I moaned to him about work a lot? May be I shouldn’t have told him about my date…well, but he tells me about his ‘unsuccessful’ dates! May be it’s OK not to reply to forwards (though these ones were just sent to him, not to a group’…May be I should have started my forward with ‘Hi, hope you’re OK’ or something so that he’d reply to me…..Maybe he didn’t think I was expecting a reply…….May be I’m reading too much into things? Lol

I just miss him….Though we’re not dating anymore I wanted him to be a part of my life… Do I sound desperate? I just miss him as a friend and I don’t know what’s going on.

Do you have any advice for me?
Thanks
Liz




Edited 5/25/2007 2:59 pm ET by autumnleaves123
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 3:51pm

Staying good friends with exes is messy. Too much history, too much in the way of hurt feelings, too much of everything.

You may want to remain friends and miss him in your life, but maybe he needs to cut things off because to watch you move on without him hurts too much. Maybe he has made new friends and realizes that to hold on to your friendship could get in the way of new love.

I am not a huge believer in passive fate. While circumstances may play a small part in how things materialize in life, if you don't DO anything to make sure that you and he stay connected...you won't stay connected:
"You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny."

Does your house clean itself? No. Relationships don't maintain themselves either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 3:07pm

Hi Autumn,

I know it's hard to swallow, but it definitely sounds to me as though he is pulling away. If you want to continue to try to maintain a friendship, make that clear to him and see what he says. I think his reply will tell you everything. If for whatever reason he chooses not to keep you in his life, the best thing you can do is just let him go.

Sorry. :(

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 4:04pm

I question when someone says they didn't fall madly in love until someone else is gone. Not saying there aren't feelings of love there - but the real thing knows no time or distance - it doesn't regret and it doesn't try to control. It just IS. If you love deeply and truly, then this is a known thing - and you act accordingly and share that feeling when the person is with you. And when that person is no longer a part of your day to day routine, you still feel the same - you do miss their presence but real love doesn't change or grow because someone left - it always IS as it was.

That said, it also sounds like you both were trying to force something to be for whatever reasons. We often hang onto old lovers because it gives us a 'reason' to not move on, risk dating again or because we haven't reconciled our feelings. None of those are healthy.

The point is - it sounds like he is starting to move on - as he should and as you should. You don't have to lose his friendship - but you do have to recognize that its changed - the distance is real and is the fact that you both have different lives to focus on now. You can remain friends by letting go of your need for him to be the love of your life that got away. Love never dies. Situations change, people change, their needs change, they die - but the real and genuine love there doesn't.

Hon, live the life you have NOW - and that means accepting that he is not a key person in it. It doesn't mean that you never talk or visit - but it means that you let go of the need and expectation that it will be like it was. Send him letters occassionally, cards at Christmas without needed or expecting a reply - that's maintaining friendship and an open door.

At this point respect that his life is taking him in another direction - he may have met someone he likes, he may be developing new hobbies, who knows? But trying to force contact is a desperation ploy. If you want him to remain in your life, then allow him the opportunity to do that in the manner he's comfortable with - and love him enough to allow him to know what is best for him.

As for you - let the 'hope' of a relationship go. It can't exist in the now as it did in the past. Grieve it and move on. Start living life where you are today - nt in the past and not 500 miles away.

Toni