I must be out of my mind!
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| Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:37am |
Suddenly, I find myself in "relationship freak-out mode" and can't seem to get out. I've "slammed on the breaks" of our relationship and have essentioally reduced a very serious, stay-at-his-house-all-the-time situation back to a dating, drop-me-off-at-home situation. I haven't stayed at his house (we were inseperable for 3 months) in a month. He went on vacation for a week to see his family - I declined the invitation. I can't get enough time by myself. All of a sudden, the fact that he needs me is nauseating to me - I can't handle it.
So now, because of the situation, this man has become insecure, needy, whiny... I just want to RUN in the opposite direction! He said to me the other night, "You want to feel safe and protected in a relationship -- you want someone to take care of you. But you continue to feel compelled to take care of yourself and not let anyone in." He's right -- and it's so confusing. But a bit of history: I've been on my own since I was 18 (I'm 33 now). I've always counted on myself -- I've always been my own "rock" -- it's hard to relinquish that to someone else -- especially someone I've only known for 5 months! I really need to slow this relationship down a LOT but I don't know how to make that happen!
I know it must be frustrating for him - you're sailing along at 500 mph and then all of a sudden, you're crawling. It is difficult for him to understand what I'm going through - and I definitely don't expect him to have a grasp on it when even I'm having trouble. But he's expecting things of me that I just can't do right now. He keeps telling me to "let go" and that he wishes I'd let him in. Maybe good advice, but it's not going to be instantaneous. Those things need to be earned, and I'm sorry but I haven't seen enough to convince me that he's the one who will let that happen.
So his frustration and neediness and insecurities grow. And my inclinations to pull away and do things on my own grow stronger. What do I do now? He is so wonderful -- what is wrong with me that I can't let myself be happy with him? Here is a man who is handing me security, honesty, compassion and a loving relationship on a silver platter, and I can't do it. WHY??? What do I do??
If anyone out there can shed some light, I'd greatly appreciate it!!

What you need to do is take one day at a time, and not think of the long term. Realize that you do deserve to be treated well. You do deserve to have someone so "caring, sensitive, generous, understanding, giving, kind, funny, witty, smart...". Be honest with him about your fears, he will understand. You just need to let him know that you are scared and want to make sure this is right, that you love being with him but at the same time you are afraid of getting hurt.