I must be out of my mind!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
I must be out of my mind!
2
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:37am
What is wrong with me? I have a wonderful man in my life. He is caring, sensitive, generous, understanding, giving, kind, funny, witty, smart...everything a woman could want and more. We met about 5 months ago. He told me he loved me after only a month. I approach relationships with a bit more trepidation, so it took me a bit longer to realize that I am in love with him. Nonetheless, we have professed our love for each other and are in a committed relationship.

Suddenly, I find myself in "relationship freak-out mode" and can't seem to get out. I've "slammed on the breaks" of our relationship and have essentioally reduced a very serious, stay-at-his-house-all-the-time situation back to a dating, drop-me-off-at-home situation. I haven't stayed at his house (we were inseperable for 3 months) in a month. He went on vacation for a week to see his family - I declined the invitation. I can't get enough time by myself. All of a sudden, the fact that he needs me is nauseating to me - I can't handle it.

So now, because of the situation, this man has become insecure, needy, whiny... I just want to RUN in the opposite direction! He said to me the other night, "You want to feel safe and protected in a relationship -- you want someone to take care of you. But you continue to feel compelled to take care of yourself and not let anyone in." He's right -- and it's so confusing. But a bit of history: I've been on my own since I was 18 (I'm 33 now). I've always counted on myself -- I've always been my own "rock" -- it's hard to relinquish that to someone else -- especially someone I've only known for 5 months! I really need to slow this relationship down a LOT but I don't know how to make that happen!

I know it must be frustrating for him - you're sailing along at 500 mph and then all of a sudden, you're crawling. It is difficult for him to understand what I'm going through - and I definitely don't expect him to have a grasp on it when even I'm having trouble. But he's expecting things of me that I just can't do right now. He keeps telling me to "let go" and that he wishes I'd let him in. Maybe good advice, but it's not going to be instantaneous. Those things need to be earned, and I'm sorry but I haven't seen enough to convince me that he's the one who will let that happen.

So his frustration and neediness and insecurities grow. And my inclinations to pull away and do things on my own grow stronger. What do I do now? He is so wonderful -- what is wrong with me that I can't let myself be happy with him? Here is a man who is handing me security, honesty, compassion and a loving relationship on a silver platter, and I can't do it. WHY??? What do I do??

If anyone out there can shed some light, I'd greatly appreciate it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 11:45am
I think it's a little of the "too good to be true" idea. Sometimes when something seems so good, we will try to sabotage it so we can turn around and say, "see, he's just the same as all the others". You try to take him down of the pedestal you have him on because YOU are insecure- you are probably wondering why YOU are getting this great deal.

What you need to do is take one day at a time, and not think of the long term. Realize that you do deserve to be treated well. You do deserve to have someone so "caring, sensitive, generous, understanding, giving, kind, funny, witty, smart...". Be honest with him about your fears, he will understand. You just need to let him know that you are scared and want to make sure this is right, that you love being with him but at the same time you are afraid of getting hurt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 6:52pm
Oh how familiar this sounds....I have been dating a guy for over a year. He has become so kind, caring, and generous. Not only to me but my three children. Initially he was not this way but says that when he realized his love for me he just can't help himself. I too feel the need to be alone and explore my independence. I was married for 15 yrs and in a very controlling relationship. So when my b/f started talking about moving in...or marriage I completely freaked out. He does not do real well when we are apart which makes slowing down really hard. However I fear if he does not give me my needed space that I will eventually detach from him all together. I am strongly considering counseling to figure out why I feel this way. Ultimately I think he would be a great addition to my life. I just want to make sure I really love him and can commit to him and have a healthy relationship. I never ever want to divorce again. Good Luck with your "issues" as well. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.