I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
I need advice
11
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:06pm
I am 18 years old and I like this guy that is 34; he likes me too. We spend a lot of time together. He has four kids from a previous relationship and I have two from a previous relationship, so we do a lot of things with our children. We have gone to the movies a couple of times. He makes me laugh and smile that's why I like him. We have a lot in common, but a lot that makes us different. I am not the average 18 year old. I have been through a lot and more mature then the average. I have a have trouble with trusting people and I feel like I can trust him and I feel comtorable around him. Please give me advice on the age differnce. I would also like advice on letting him know that I like him without coming out and telling him straight up? I am shy when it comes to guys and I have never really done the dating thing. Please give me your 2 cents.


Edited 4/13/2004 3:29 pm ET ET by butterflies82885

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:50pm
Well, this is my opinion from what I've seen. Even if you're mature, the age will still have an effect. The thing is, he's got much more baggage than you know, I bet. And that baggage would come into play in a big way if you two ever blended your families and got married. It would become a much more complicated relationship than it is now - and much less fun! Also, just the fact of him dying way before you from a practical stance... If you got married and fell in love - Would you want to be alone for the last 20 years of your life and motherhood? These things may seem premature to think about, but not in the scheme of things and making good decisions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 6:16pm
I agree about the baggage. 34 with so many kids is a far stretch from 18 with 2. He may be great to hang out with, but I'd leave any physical stuff out of it if I were you. You could learn from him more about how guys really act, especially older ones. That's why I like hanging out with men, it gives you perspective. Besides that, how do you know for certain that he doesn't want you to be his next brood mare? You're young, strong enough, and already are certain to have kids. I can't see much advantage of having someone so much older than you as a boyfriend. I'm 27 and I would have second thoughts about dating someone who's 34. That could be due to the fact that I have brothers that age, but still. You have to have more than a couple of things in common to have a relationship. What do you talk about besides kids? Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 7:16pm
Why do you think of him as a guy instead of a man? That's telling, don't you think? He's not a man to you, he's immature and acts like a kid. Not a good thing.

I feel like the other two posters before me, that even if you've scrunched a lot of living in your 18 years and even if you're a grown up and different 18 year old than the rest of them...you still have a lot of living and growing up to do. Even though. I know because I was an 18 year old much like you, very mature, very grounded, very together...impressed 'adults' (most of which seemed more immature than me) all the time...and I know that when I look back at myself that while I was mature and together for 18, I was still 18. I'm sure that you're a great mom and stuff...but maybe you should give yourself some time to have some fun before you think to get serious again?

And to answer your last question about letting him know that you like him without actually saying the words...he knows. No one spends their free time with people they don't like, right? That's my point. You should do the dating thing and learn about dating. Let the guy pick you up, pay for your movie, take you for a drink afterwards and then bring you home. It's fun and it's a learning experience, too. I like this sort of guy and not that guy, etc. Have you checked out the single dating mom board? Join us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 8:38pm
okay I just had to say something to this cause my mouth flopped open when I read it. Let me get this straight, your 18 and you have 2 kids but you've never done the dating thing? Something is so wrong with that statement. Plus I think any 34 year old man messing with an 18 year old has something wrong with him. if you were 20 at least it would be better but it's like your barely able to vote even and this guy is interested. Something is wrong. That's just my opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:43am
Let me clear up my statement about having two kids and never dating. I met the father of my children when I was 14 years old. It was a high school relationship. One of those relationships where the guy asks a girl to be there steady girlfriend. I was with him up until this past August, so no I never dated men besides the one I am interested in now. What is the difference between 18 and 20? There isn't much of a difference. As far as him being interested in me, why not?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 10:57am
I think of him as either a guy or a man. I think of it as the same thing. I don't think he is immature, if he was I don't think that I would be interested in him. I am not looking for another serious relationship. Right now we are doing the dating thing. We have gone on a couple of dates and we are going again this Friday, but the more I get to know him the more I like him and I can't help my feelings. I know I am only 18 and I have a lot of living and growing to do, but if I am enjoying the time I spend with him why not spend more? It's also hard for me to find men that are my own age that will accept me and my children and if they can't accept me and my children then I can't accept them. Your advice was helpful, thank you.


Edited 4/14/2004 11:29 am ET ET by butterflies82885
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:14am
I don't think that it's all about sex with him. He hasn't really even made a move on me yet, so if he was in it for sex then I think he would have already tried to get into my pants. As far as being his next broodmare, that isn't going to happen. I am not even sure if I want anymore children and I am very careful about not getting pregnant again. He does have four kids, but he doesn't have four different mothers of his children. They all have the same mother, so it's not like he got four women pregnant and he bailed out on them. He was with the mother of his children for 13 years. We have a lot in common. We have a lot of the same morals and values. We are both in recovery, which is helpful to have someone there to talk to. We like the same sports and sport teams. We enojoy the same hobbies. We have more than our children in common. You are right about having to have things in common, but we also should have things of the oppisite. That's how I feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 11:26am
I have thought a lot about the baggage that he may have and he does have a lot and probably some that I don't know about, but I have baggage too. I have also thought about what if we do get serious and fall in love and get married and he dies way before I do and I have to spend my life alone. But I can't help to think what if I don't let myself feel the way I am feeling. I could miss out on a really good relationship and to me that would be worth spending the last couple years of my life alone. I do think about negitive along with the possitive and to me there is more possitive then negitive. Right now we are still early on in our relationship and if I let it progress then I'll know if this is something I want, but if I don't then I will never know, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 12:10pm
It sounds like you are really weighing the options well. It's so important to lay out the pros and cons so that you can see it right in front of your face. Do this soon. If you decide to progress and exlpore a romantic connection, I would just take it slowly, be patient, try not to get physically and emotionally invested until you have his clear commitment. Is that doable?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 3:09pm
This is do able and I will do it. Thanks for your advice. I will let you know how it all works out.

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