I need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
I need advice!
3
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:47pm
Okay I will start with a little background inofrmation I am a 24 year old single mother who hasn't been in a relationship for about 5 years because I was so hurt by my daughter's father. This guy I have been talking to for a year now hasn't been in a relationship for 2 years because he has been hurt also by previous relationships. Well like I said this guy and I have been talking for about a year now. Well just in the past 3 months we have been out on dates which has been nice. In the past week we have been messing around and things have kind of gotten a little hot and heavy. Well two days ago things we heating up and we were about to have s** when he stopped and said we needed to talk. He said that he didn't want to lead me on and if we had s** he didn't want me to think that we were in a relationship because he doesn't want that right now. He said that I deserve better than him and that he cares about me. He said that he is phyically attracted to me but would rather not get into a relationship with me and loss me as a friend. He would rather remain my friend and see me happy with someone else than us get together and him and I never speak again. What would you guys think? Does he care for me or do you think he has someone else he would rather be with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: swtchica24
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:54pm
Hon, this guy wants to hook up and hang out with you. He isn't looking for an exclusive and commited relationship with you. Listen to what he says: I don't want a serious relationship. If you were hurt by your ex in the past and now have this guy here, you'll probably get hurt if you're looking to date him seriously. The most you'll get out of him will be sex and friendship. Even if you two "act" like a couple, spend time together, dine and shop together you're NOT a couple. You're sleeeping together and are friends. The moment he finds a woman he wants to marry or date seriously he'll probably end things with you, without notice since there is no commitment or responsability to each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: swtchica24
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 9:32pm
He's being remarkably honest.

Here's the thing...it's just highly unlikely if he's anywhere near your age...that he wants to be in a relationship with someone who's a single mother.

That really hinders the dating life......and if you're not financially well off - it'll almost totally end it and relegate you two to "dtaing on the couch with the child at your feet".

HE's not wanting that...it's one thing to be "hurt" in each of your little worlds and reach across the large ocean that you've put between yourself and the rest of the world - and get comfort and pats on the shoulder. In that friendship scenario - you having a child isn't a negative thing - he's got no obligations and if he's interactive with the child - can enjoy the child in the moment without any attachment or future repercussions.

But he's stating outright that he doens't want a relationship at this time. I think that you're thinking "he's not been in a relationship because he was hurt" - because you got hurt, obviously burned in terms of being a snigle mother and you have no desire to get back into that whole "mess" that your emotionally driven actions put you in back then.

Very likely he's been not dating because he hasn't "wanted to be bothered". Yes, he got hurt...but it's not that he doesn't want companionship and interaction and sex...it's that he doesn't wnat obligation and commitment and most young women don't know the difference between "dating and realtionsip". Which makes it much easier for him to hang out and make out without communication or obligation to anyting except whatever is offered at the time.

HE's just telling you oughtright -I don't want a relationsip. He was saying if you two have sex.......he's not obligated to give a repeat performance, he doesn't want you thinking that there is a possibility he's going to want you as a partner in the future - except perhaps in bed.

Only part of it is has to do with you having a child...but I guarantee at your ages that figures in. Not sure how old he is...but he's aware that guys his age are out partying, getting ahead professionally, and having a good time....and he wants to indulge in that. HE's not been quite sure how to do it...but I suspect that he's getting a clue and is about to induldge. He just doesn't want you thinking that you got taken advantage of...he respects you as a person.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:44pm
I do understand what you are talking about but I am not sure if this makes a difference he also has a child with another woman. She has hurt him tremendously in the past and still until this day hurts him by sometimes not letting him see his child because she gets mad at him for some stupid. He has told me that before he gets into a relationship with someone else that he wants things to be good with him. As in he has his own house instead of living with his mom, that he has his financial obligations in good standing, and that he doesn't want to have to depend on a woman. He also has been asking me why I want to be with him because I could do so much better, that I could be with anyone that doesn't have problems like he does. Like I said I am not sure if this makes a difference or not, if it does please give me your advice.