I need to break up with him but.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
I need to break up with him but.........
1
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:04am

I will try to make a long story short but I'm in desperate need for some advice.

I have been dating a really sweet guy for the past two months. He is kind, considerate, and I truly think that he would move Mountains for me. There are some red flags however and some issues that he has that I just can't deal with.

When we first started dating, he confessed to me that he had just gotten out of rehab for RX drug abuse about 6 weeks prior. He told me he had been clean for 6 weeks and that he was also being treated for depression. I thanked him for his honesty and while I had some concerns, I mostly put them on the back burner because I was enjoying getting to know him.
To my knowledge he has not abused any more RX drugs and during the time we have dated he has even quit smoking, however he still smokes weed and I'm somewhat bothered by that. And while he has never gotten drunk around me, he drinks more then the average Joe on most nights of the week.

In the past few months I have seen some addictve behavior on his part and some other things that have raised some red flags and have made me question where I want this relationship to go. He got emotionaly attatched way to quickly, I tried having the "space" talk with him and he teared up, so being the sensitive person that I am, I dropped it and just dealt with his clinginess.

He works as a waiter in a resort and here lately he has struggled just to make ends meet. For the last month, I have footed the bill when it comes to food and other recreational activites. He insists that this is the "slow" period and that business will pick up in a few months. At first I bought that but now I'm seeing some deeper issues. He lied to his employer and told them that he had another job on Saturdays when in fact he didn't, he just wanted Saturdays off so he could watch Collage Football. I have tried to encourage him to find another job that would have a steadier paycheck but he keeps insisting that everything will be fine in a few months. He almost seems content to just float along with no goals for his future. He keeps making excuses for himself and as alwful as this sounds I'm getting tired of it.

He told me he was treated for depression in rehab but as far as I know he has never continued his treatment because he has no insurance. So basicly he is batteling this on his own. This concerns me because I would think that after only 8 days in rehab he would need to be in out-patient therapy. I even offered to go to an AA meeting with him if he would just agree to go, but he told me that he would not be seen with a bunch of drunks. ( I don't know a whole lot about drug abuse but I thought that a 12 step program would be benificial to him)..

His depression is getting bad again and he goes from extreme highs to extreme lows in the matter of hours. It hurts me to see him this way because I know that he is a bright intelligent person but this and along with the other issues is putting a huge strain on out relationship and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm Honestly scared to break up with him out of fear of what he might do to himself. He told me today that I was his only source of happienss. I'm honestly his only friend. I know it's only a matter of time before he turns to drugs again due to the lack of intervention.

I'm debating on waiting till after Christmas to end things because I don't want to ruin his Christmas but on the other hand I dont know how much more I can take.

How do you break up with someone like this who has all these problems. I know no matter how I do it he will be hurt. My biggest fear is him turning to drugs again or worse hurting himself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:31am

If you want to see your future with this man, please read "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie.

This man has found gold with you. There are reasons he doesn't have any friends, that would be because he has driven most of them away. You've only dated him 2 months and he has shown you that the lies to his employer, he smokes pot and drinks and is very needy. He's got you wrapped around his finger because he knows to keep you around all he has to do is tell you that you are his only source of happiness. Most addicts go through periods of recidivism so that is just around the corner if it isn't happening already.

Instead of worrying about this man, I'd be worried about you. Why are you drawn to this man and why are you fearing ending the relationship?

Do him a favor, call him on the phone as soon as possible, tell him you need your space...all you space. You may have to change your phone number to get rid of him because this guy has learned that he can manipulate you.

You have some codependency issues that you may not know about.