I Need to Get Over This

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
I Need to Get Over This
5
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:00am
I wish I could just put this out of my mind, but it just keeps bugging me. I went out with a guy three times. During the second date he hugged and kissed me, peck on the lips, face, etc., for two and a half hours. He called later wanting to come over to my house. I declined. He was the first man that had touched me in over three years. Nothing for three years then two and a half hours of "mauling". I feel rotten. I think he feigned affection for me to get me into the sack and it just keeps bugging and bugging me. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:12am
What specifically about it "bugs you"? I think I know - but don't want to assume.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:32am
You're probably right in what you think you know. Sometimes I wish I'd just gone with my desire instead of denying myself. On the other hand, my drive is pretty low most of the time. I really don't like it that I felt he was just manipulating my emotions to get me to do something but didn't care about me as a person. Sometimes I feel that guy's "three date cut-off" is that they don't want to get emotionally involved, are seeking to get layed and break-off the involvement either way, whether they do or not. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 11:42am
I forgot to add, I wasn't that into HIM but he was able to make me feel a certain way. It irks me that he was able to do that then just dumped me. I feel cheated somehow. Especially since he's probably dated several girls since me. For him, this is so easy, but for me the heart matters.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 12:00pm
How's this grab you - "time served isn't time well spent".

First, it takes 3-9 months for a person to get to know YOU...outside of "how your attention to make makes me feel about myself".

So there is no way in my estimation for anybody to know for about a year realistically, of continuous but not "unlimited/uninterrupted" contact to "know you" as a person.

If a person wants a relationship in thier life - they'll want that before you come along. They want it and are dating ot find it. And it is a good idea to date alot of people at the same time if you can emotionally do it - because that isn't you reviewing this person as your "onlly potential option" and ding all sorts of justifying and rationalizing even if they don't meet your standards or needs.

But "sex" is just an act of physical gratification. If you get emotionally attached to "this person" because you "want a relationship" prior to meeting them and sex winzips that "bond" to "this person and a future with them" - you need to hold off having sex...till you know them better as an individual.

In that sense - you'd likely to have date several months before considering sex as an option.....men will do that.


Put it this way - a relationship isn't a goal. It doens't make you what you're not. And it's not a 'focal point' to structure your life around.

So you really need to have a great life on your own as a single person...so that you're not sitting there going "i'm nothing and have nothing,a dn will never have anything or do anything fun until I get a partner in life that is going to provide me with interests, goals, ideas, values, standards, diversions and companionship."

From that position, you can objectively view the people you date - to see if they share your standards...not just "meet your needs' - that with a "time served" attitude are going totally unacknowledged, unmet, unaddressed, and rejected as valid by you....until they come along, start kissing you for several hours, want to go further and you go "umm, sorry, can't I have to have an guarantee of a relationship before we cna have sex."

You're NEVER going to get that guarantee.....loo at the people who've been married 25 years and get a divorce.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 1:38pm
Your advice often "cuts to the quick", but is oddly comforting. Noone ever bothered to tell me anything growing-up. You're right, I need to wait to have sex. I don't like dating several at once, but it's better than over-looking things because of my need. I'm not a complete prude, but I watched for signs with this last guy and little things told me he wasn't that into me. For one thing, the situation came up to take pictures and he wouldn't. Plus, once I caught him looking at me when he wasn't ready and he was sneering at me. We ran into some of his co-workers and he wanted to get out of there quick. He wasn't really different, and I can't blame him for not wanting to get me heavily involved in his life, but he was very much into sex, I felt. It just didn't feel right to me. I think of sex as a committment, even though I know people will divorce after 20 some years of marriage. Still, it's my responsibility to do the best I can to insure that I live up to my moral standards.

I hate feeling like I got "run-over" but I guess it could have been worse. Next time, if there is one, I'm going to set more boundaries.