I need HELP before I Blow this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
I need HELP before I Blow this....
5
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:41pm

This is kind of long but I really need some advice!!! I've been 'dating'(if you want to call it that) a guy for the last 5 weeks. We met online in early March and had our 1st(and only) date on April 14). He cooked dinner for me 2 weeks after the 1st date and that went well too. The problem is... I haven't seen him in 26 days!!! We don't live that far apart(roughly 12 miles). He works extremely long hours(12-14hr/DAY) as a truck driver. He has a 1 and half y/o son that he sees about every two weeks. During the week his bed time is between 7-8 pm (he gets up at about 2am to work out b/4 going to work. I work on weekends- 8 in a row on and 4 in a row off.

We talk on the phone often but he's usually tired and can't talk very long. Last week during a conversation I brought up the fact that we haven't seen each other in weeks and he said that it's MY hours that is the problem. I told him that since I don't work 14 hours a day and I can HANDLE going out after work(I get off at 3:30pm). He said he understood that because he WAS thinking that I would be too tired after getting off work on the weekends. He apologized because in addition to the schedule issue, he is still dealing with the glaucoma he was diagnosed with a few weeks ago AND the fact that the mother of his son is taking care of sick parents and needed him to keep his son last weekend (off their normal schedule). He also apologized because when he signed up on the dating web site he felt that everything was under control and he was ready to pursue a relationship. He feels that things will settle back down soon but I'm not so sure. In spite of that, he STILL has not made any plans for this coming weekend. I really like this man but at the same time I'm feeling like I'm on the back burner. In my last relationship was on the back burner and it didn't feel good at all. I don't expect him to EVER put me before his child- he has already said nothing comes before his son and I admire him for that.

There are other things going on too. I injured MY foot and now I'm wearing 'the shoe' for the next 4 weeks. He teased me about not 'being horny' so the shoe would not inconvenience me. I took that to mean he was trying to see if I had interest in having sex any time soon. So we ended up in a very flirtatous bantering about that. A few days later he mentioned how tired he was and he'd gotten out of the shower and was too tired to put clothes on. So of course I quietly let my imagination run with that info- which I'm SURE that's what he wanted me to do. I think he's ready to have sex and to be honest, it's not something that is VERY far off my radar either. We spoke Wed nite and he said he was taking Thur off would call me later that day. That night(on Wed after our call)I sent him a poem and asked him if he liked it. He didn't respond.

Well.. Yesterday, he took the day off – I guess for personal business and he didn't call me. I’m currently off on Thur/Fri so I was hoping that he would take advantage of that and try to hang out w/me. AT the very least, a phone call would have been nice. I'm wondering if it's because of the poem. It wasn't mushy or anything like that. It WAS about sensuality and closeness. I'll send it if you think it will help YOU help ME figure out wy he didn't call yesterday....

When we first started talking and he told me about the long hours I ASKED him if he would have time to date me and he said 'yes'. On our first date, he told me about the situation with his son and I asked him again if this would be a problem and he said 'no'. I really like this man but I've written a letter(draft) to him saying that I need to move on because I don’t feel that he has room in his life for me right now. I ended it by telling him that I really like him and I’m still interested in seeing him. I also said that if he still felt the same way that I’d prefer him to contact me only when he is READY to seek companionship and has the TIME to pursue it. I haven’t sent this email to him yet and my question is: am I being unreasonable??? Or should I wait it out and see if things will 'even out'. I don't know why he took yesterday off but the last time I 'over reacted' like this it turned out that he received bad news about his eye and that was the reason he didn't call me for almost 3 days. I promised I wouldn't start 'over-analyzing' and I'm really trying to make that effort here - with the 'community' Please help...

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 3:25pm

Does he call you on his own? Or do you call him? Or does he call you back only when you call him?

I think that, no matter what he tells you, that he's not all that interested. If he was, he would MAKE time, and he'd make time in ADVANCE - not call you the same day like he said he would when he took the day off. My goodness, he couldn't even do THAT!

And as for fishing for sex...do you really want to get involved sexually with a guy who barely has the time to talk to you - unless it's about sex, that is.

I don't think I'd send him a "breakup letter" at this point. I'd just let it go. The breakup letter is a bit dramatic for a guy you've dated twice AND haven't seen for a month.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:41pm

Oh, lordy, move ON already!!! This guy doesn't have time to DATE you, but he'd sure have time to screw you if you were willing!

No need to send any elaborate letter...just let him know that his schedule doesn't work for you and MOVE ON.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 6:08pm
Hun,
I'd just drop him and wouldn't bother with the letter. Unless he's an extremely emotional guy, which doesn't sound like it from your post, he won't read it anyway. I've read somewhere that guys are terrifed of confrontations (same for women, I'd think), and they'd dread reading that letter. I once was forced to read one of those letters (not from a lover, but from someone close to me), and I dodged it with a passion :( :(. So don't waste any more time and energy on him...
Hugs,
icuryy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 7:00pm

Thanks, everyone. That's what I needed to hear. I'll let it go and move on. My instincts were telling me just that but I have a bad habit of giving people too many 'benefits of a doubt'. Thanks, again...

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 7:11pm

Honey you can 'wait and see' your life away. Truck drivers are away many days at a time, they aren't people you can depend on.

From what you have said in your post, you are becoming 'hot and bothered'for him. Sex isn't what you want to base a relationship on. Friendship first, sex later. Get to know this man. As it is now, you can't see him enough to get to know him well. If you do establish any kind of relationship with him, he's not going to come around often enough for you. You will have a very lonely time waiting to see him.

I'd say that you are not being unreasonable at all. I think you got it right to think of moving on to better pastures. good luck