I need a ladies' opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2005
I need a ladies' opinion
7
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 6:00pm
I had lost my left leg below the knee 24 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I was engaged at the time, but went through with the wedding, even theough 4 years later the marriage ended with one of the comments being that she didn't want to be around when I was old and needed her help. Yea that was tough to hear. I remarried 15 years later, and there were other issues but I now find my self back into the dating world. The question I have is this- at what point do I tell someone I'm an amputee? You can't tell by the way I walk that I have a prosthesis, and I've been in situations where I haven't said anything only to have my leg fall on the floor when we've gotten intimate. It kinda gets their attention pretty quick! I've also let the other person know fairly quickly before they've even got a chance to know me, and I could tell it was an issue, even when they said it wasn't. Do you think asking suttle questions on a date to "feel" where the person is at before venturing would save some humiliation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 6:40pm

Hi. That's a tough one! It's amazing how superficial people can be! Anyway, if I were a dating a guy who had a leg amputated, I would definately want to know before becoming intimate. It would save me the embarrassment of "reacting" when the leg falls on the floor. Because the simple thought of "I didn't know that" would make me make a surprised expression and it would be very awkward for the guy. However, you needn't tell them on your first few dates either. I guess if I were you, I'd tell the girl when you feel the relationship is "going to the next level". If the relationship is progressing quickly and say, you plan to make love on the 4th or 5th date, then telling them would be like everything else about the relationship (very quick and full of surprises). And in that case, it might not be such a bad thing, if the girl has an adventurous personaltiy. If the girl is too superficial to look past the fact that you've lost part of your leg, then she wasn't worth it to begin with.

My good friend lost his arm at 19 to cancer. With him, it is obvious and everyone knows up front. He's saved himself a lot of greif that way, because the chicks that are superficial, usually turn him down when he asks them for a date. As for the online dates, he tells them right away, because he knows the second he picks them up for a date, they will see and he wants to spare himself and her the embarrassment of her "reacting".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 01-21-2006 - 9:44pm
I would say the time to bring the subject up would be right before you get into a position where you will be intimate and your leg might fall off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 1:49pm

This is something that obviously has to be imparted fairly early on obviously. Not the first moment you meet but obviously before you get physically intimate and hopefully on the first or second date - first is better. Not the first words out of your mouth, obviously, develop a rapport but well before you start getting really intimate.


there are plenty of women out there who will be fine with you and you want to weed out quickly the ones who are not. It will only be humiliating if you're making out and they don't know and THEN leg falls out

,
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 2:37pm
Interesting predicament.....alright, here it goes. You're the only one who's going to know when it's appropriate. With that said, there's no need to announce it on the first date, but you definitely need to mention it, before you put the moves on her! Here's my take on the dating scene. After a couple of dates (2-3 times) you get an idea of how the two of you react/respond/compliment each other. If after a couple of dates, you think you'll continue seeing her, then step up to the plate and let her know. This "time" will have given her the opportunity to get to know you, for you, without being side tracked. I don't care who you are, or how un-superficial you claim to be, the news will give you a little bit of a jolt. The difference is, how you respond to it afterwards; either it matters or it doesn't....and that's when you know how superficial a person can be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 4:00pm
Since it is not immediately noticeable, I would say that on the first date is not necessary. Some first dates do not go past that - a first date. No need to tell some woman that you never intend to see again about your situation. However, if you both find that you like each other and want to see each other again, I would suggest telling her on the second or third date - before things get intimate and before you move to the next step of your relationship. It's something that you "owe" the woman before getting to the point of putting her in an awkward postion when your leg falls off. If that were to happen to me, I would be mortified and hurt that the guy did not tell me and probably angry as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 5:00pm

I agree with the first person who responded... it is amazing that people can be that superficial.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 7:31pm

So sorry for you.

Your first wife, evidently couldn't handle the situation. She sounds like she is a 'leaner'. There are some who want to be taken care of and those who are the care-givers. Some women love to take care of their mates. I had an aunt who took care of her mother-in-law and husband when they had strokes. She never complained. She made their lives worth living until they died.

You sound like a man who is a the care-giver and a person to lean on. You are attracted perhaps to the leaners.

If a woman loves and cares about you, your missing leg isn't going to mean anything to her. She will love you anyway. Keep looking, don't get discouraged.

I feel for you. You deserve a bit of happiness, good luck