I need serious help with my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
I need serious help with my relationship
13
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:29am

Hello if you wouldnt mind plz tell me how you really feel about my relationship and what i/we can do to fix it.....

I have a jealousy problem and i am overcontroling.....My last 2 gf's have cheatd on me and it is effecting me in this relationship because I do not want to get hurt again....I love my girlfriend more than anything...i would give anything do anything for her and to be with her forever...Ive always had the feeling that she is still in love with her ex boyfriend who is like her best friend now...they broke up bc he went over to Iraq and he said he didnt want to get hurt if something happend to him....so i came along and i feel like she still has feelings for him even tho i ask her and she tells me no...but would she really say yes?? But i feel that i am just a stand in until he gets back.....she tells me she loves me but i dont feel it, i feel that love is a 2 way road and both sides have to make sacrafices but she hasnt done anything....all she does is lie to me. She has lied to me on several...several occasions....

One of the ones i will bring up is one night she told me she wasnted to go to bed...she then called another of her ex bf's and they talked for 40 min then i called her and she told me she was asleep which i didnt belive and she said she was really tired and then she called him back.....is that right? Umm the way i found out i looked at her cell phone bill.....was that right??? i mean i know it shows no trust but she had been lieng and keeping things from me ALOT so how could i trust her?

She also has all guy friends and no girl friends...is that ok? Im jealous and overprotective and i need your help I dont know if its ok for her to have all these guys frineds....isnt it true that all guys want more than friendships with girls....if its not then why cant the quaterback in high school be friends with the fat nerd girl??? Its bc hes not attracted to her.....I just feel that guys and girls arent supposed to be friends.....I just dont know about letting them hang out..last time she went to a guys house they were gnna do some homework but hey didnt finish bc she helped him with his trruck and they went shopping with his mom....should i let her hang out with other guys that i dont know?

Laslty i tested my gf...i made a myspace acct and a new sn and i acted like a guy who wanted to be her friend....after like 2 days of talking i got her to say she would sleep with me and cheat on..well me lol.....after this i told her it was me....she now tells me she didnt mean it that she just said it to make the guy go away.....but she set up a date..she told him if my boyfriend works next thursday we can do all the stuff we talked about.....who is at fault here? Also bc of this i have been reading her emails and checkin her phone.....is this wrong bc i dont trust her...she has givin me nothing to trust...trust has to be earned right? and it is easily lost.....Will someone plz help me?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:39am

My first ? is... If you don't trust her, why be with her? I'm sure you'll say because you love her. But trust is the true foundation of a relationship, without it, there's nothing.


I'm going to tell you straight, you definitely have privacy/jealousy issues and should seek counseling for it. No matter what, snooping through someone else's things or trying to trap them into a situation is never ever the answer. Even if this girl was on the up and up, your jealousy would come out and it would eat at the relationship. And I'm not saying anything you haven't... you stated up front that you are indeed jealous. So I plead with you to work through that with a counselor.


The things you've posted about your girlfriend could be interpreted differently. I would say trust your gut. If your gut says she is up to no good, then get out of the relationship.


I don't know how old you are, but I do know this. At my age, guys and girls can be friends. Now I'm not saying if giving the right chance, time, etc that

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:39am
I just don't see why you're still with her. Personally, I have to be able to trust someone even when I'm not with them and can't check-up on them. If I can't, that's not the right person for me. It sounds like your gf is a definite cheat and get-around. If you want someone you can trust, you have to look for character. As far as your looking at her cell bill, etc., that's just a symptom of distrust. My guess is that you're attracted to these type of women for a reason, but unless you are willing to work on being attracted to other types of women, I can't see how you'll find any happiness in a relationship. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 8:18pm

<< Will someone plz help me?>>

Unfortunately, we cannot help the situation ... only you can help yourself. And, from what you've posted, you'd be helping yourself if you ended things with her.

Yes, I know ... you said you love her. But, hockeyman, here's the clincher on love: you (nor anyone) cannot truly love a person whom you don't trust, admire, respect. These are the very foundations of love. Love cannot exist in its truest, whole form without trust and respect.

Love cannot exist in the presence of fear. There are two key motivators in life, behind every thing: fear and love. Which do you want to choose? (if you choose love, then you WILL be helping yourself by not aligning with someone whom you don't trust, someone who hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy because you've caught her in lies ... because you will be saying and proving to yourself that you love YOURSELF enough to not settle for liars and cheaters).

People who stay in unhealthy situations are not choosing love. They're choosing fear. YOU are choosing fear. You're afraid of being hurt again. And no, of course no one likes to be hurt. But, when you live in fear ... it can be consuming ... the thought of being hurt again.

When people don't learn their lessons from previous relationships, what tends to happen is that they end up choosing the same types of partners over and over again.

What you need to do is heal from your past betrayals BEFORE attempting a relationship again. True, trust is earned ... but, you have to learn to trust yourself ... your sense of what's best/right for you, learn to practice discernment, trust your instincts. When YOU can trust YOU again, you will trust others ... and you will choose trustworthy people.

The reason you've chosen (again) someone who's untrustworthy is because you haven't learned your lesson yet, that's all. If you are ready and willing to learn your lesson, and HELP YOURSELF ... you will let go of untrustworthy people in your life. Through discernment of what's best/right for you ... there will be no doubts about doing the right thing for you ... rather than "waiting for the other shoe to drop" ... which is what FEAR causes us to do.

Though you have no proof of your GF cheating on you, because of your "test" you've proven that there was intent to, if given the chance.

Though not all liars cheat, all cheaters lie. They have to, in order to get away with the cheating. And, someone with a propensity for lying, IMO, has a much higher likelihood of cheating. Why? Because someone who "just can't tell a lie" knows that they wouldn't be able to get away with the cheating ... it would eat away at them if they did ... therefore, since they can't lie, they don't cheat. Remember, all cheaters lie. It's par for the course.

And no, the snooping on her and "testing her" isn't right. Two wrongs don't make a right. You're both in the wrong. But, knowing what you know, all that matter is asking yourself "what am I going to do knowing what I know?"

You can't make someone be someone they're not. All you can do is trust yourself enough to know that you can discern a GOOD relationship prospect from one who's not. And, until you learn your lessons from your past relationships and heal from those betrayals, what you'll continue to get is what you've been getting ... because you don't have trust in yourself and the ability to discern what's good/best/right for you.

You might want to check out the book "Love is Letting go of Fear." If/when you can release your fears, you'll be able to form trusting relationships with trustworthy people.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 8:29pm

I'm going through something similar, but I'm on the other end. My boyfriend has been cheated on in previous relationships and I think he's having trust issues with me. I was all ready to tell you to give your girlfriend a break, but I continued reading and through your snooping, you've uncovered reasons not to trust her! It's a messy situation all around. It's a challenge being involved with someone with trust issues because you feel like you have to work extra hard to prove yourself to your partner. This seems to be how you entered your relationship. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your girlfriend is completely trustworthy and you need to be able to rebuild your ability to trust, so is this really the healthiest situation for you? Doesn't sound like it.

As for being friends with members of the opposite sex, mature grown-ups can. If you can't handle it, then you need to resolve that issue. You can't choose your girlfriend's friends.

It just sounds like a sticky situation where you clearly have jealousy issues to be worked out but your girlfriend also doesn't sound all that innocent. I hope you choose the healthiest path for you.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-22-2006 - 1:32pm

I agree with the other posters - get help for yourself so you can heal and get past your jealousy/trust issues, learn to love yourself enough to let this one go, and learn to look for the lesson underneath each "mistake".

That said - how exactly does agreeing to sleep with a guy "get rid of him"???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:13pm
Genuine people with good hearts have all types of friends, they don't pick them based on sex, looks, or money. They pick them as friends because they like their personalities, intelligence, share similar point of views, etc. or because they are just plain nice to be around as they are pleasant, smart or funny, whatever. Yes some people do pick friends based only on material or physical things, but they are not true friends and they are insecure non-genuine people. Also as a pretty female who is smart, nice, funny and would do anything to help a friend, I know it is hard for pretty girls to have a lot of true female friends because they are so catty and jealous. I have experienced this myself even by my previous best friends. That is why I personally have had guy friends, sure some of them would want to date me or more, but they are happy/willing just to be friends if I don't want anything more than that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:26pm
do you find it ok or there ex to be there best friend? Would you care if the man your with has his ex partner as his best friend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 3:46pm
I can see why that would be hard for you to deal with, but they already had the friendship bond before she even met you. Could you just drop your best friend because she wanted you to? That would be hard for you to do too. Also you have to be open, honest and upfront and ask her if she even considers ever getting back with him. You might or might not like to hear it but hopefully it will calm your fears if she says no. If she says yes or maybe then you need to consider this as it may continue to bother you. I am very lucky as one of my best guy friends is gay and I don't have to worry about it.(lol) I also know how I feel about the other ones who like me more than a friend. I would tell my bf that he has nothing to worry about if he asked and your gf should tell you the truth, whatever it is,too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:41pm

Honey, there are so many red flags with this girlfriend, you have to be blind not to see them.

You are acting like a doormat. You are so infatuated with this girl that you can't see her as she really is. She is using you while her boyfriend is away in Iraq. No, she is not over him. She has so many boyfriends and you are one of her collections.

You have no respect for yourself. You will take crumbs, and stay in a relationship where you get nothing. All she gives you is nothing, not even herself, while you give her your all. She is continually breaking your heart and you allow her to do it.

You deserve to be treated better. You are worthy to be treated with respect. Love yourself and say, 'I deserve to be loved and cared about'.

Move on to a woman that will treat you with respect and love and care for you. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Tue, 05-23-2006 - 6:53pm
thats all i wanted to hear...those exact words.....everything you said is how im actually seeing it now....thank you....THANK YOU!!!!

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