I need some help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
I need some help!!
26
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:51pm

I've been dating this man for about 2 months. He came across as nice and a good person. All our dates were warm and he was so generous to me. On our third date, I stayed over his place for the weekend and we had sex. My problem is the last couple of days he hasn't been returning my calls in a timely manner. The other night, I called at 1:30 am (I know I shouldn't have, and he didn't pick up) because he hadn't returned the call I left earlier that day. Anyway, he sent me a message in the morning stating everything was ok.

We talked later on that day, but when I brought up exclusivity he said, "I'm not in love with you". It came out of nowhere and I was hurt after I asked and he went on to explain that at 16 it was love at first sight for the wife he's now divorcing. Then he said we are still exclusive, he only dates one woman at at time and he wants to see me this weekend. Anyway, after his announcement that "he wasn't in love with me", the conversation didn't feel good. We hung up then I called back and told him, I didn't feel good about the conversation. He agreed stating that things came out wrong, he's sorry, and he'll call me later. Well, that call never came. I called him that night and left a message for him to call me, still no call...

Some background: He is going through a divorce. I wouldn't have dated him except his online profile says "divorced" even though he's not yet. He has two kids, and he talks about how much he loves them and how devoted to them he is. All through our dates, though they have been wonderful, all he talks about is his wife, how she did him wrong, how much he loved her, how he misses his kids, how he wants them 50% of the time, ad nauseum, etc. He apologizes for doing it, but it keeps happening.

He won't introduce me to the kids for fear that they will freak out. Sunday, the girl (9) found my makeup compact in his bathroom and ran to her daddy and demanded, "whose is this!" So, he tells me about it and tells me he lied to her saying it was his friend's girlfriend's.

All this doesn't sit well with me. I think I called too many times. I think he's too wrapped up in his wife, (he broke into and reads her e-mails) and I understand he doesn't want the kids hurt. BUT...I feel he should be man enough to sit down with his daughter and tell her, "my marriage to your mother is over and I need to move on". He says he has, but she can't accept it, so he won't introduce me to the kids yet for fear of hurting them.

What to do? There is a lot of drama here, but he's a nice guy--or so I thought. But, would a nice guy have sex with me more than once, say how good it was and how good I make him feel about himself and then ghost on me?? Or would he have the decency to call me, or send an e-mail, and tell me it's over?

I don't know what to do. If it's over, I want my makeup back and I want the sex-tape we made back. Of course, I will wait until I hear from him, but it seems he should have already returned my calls. he did say he wanted to see me this weekend. I think to see if he can develop feelings for me, but that was before we both agreed our last conversation didn't go well.

I'd like some advice...Is this over? should it be over? I need a man to love me and put me first. Also, he updated his profile this morning, added to it, but still has not contacted me and said it's over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 3:59pm
wow! That was great advice. Thank you. I agree with all of it. I've calmed down now and am starting to think things through a bit and am coming to all the conclusions you pointed out in your post. Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 4:36pm

Holy moly, you're getting the treatment on a couple of the other boards, aren't you?

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 12:03am

>>>Ok, so I'm glad you've calmed down and that you're starting to think more clearly now, but that doesn't tell me what you're going to DO about this situation. Do you stay with Still-Married Dude or not? Do you continue to (IMO) waste time wondering why he's not calling or do you chalk it up to wrong time, wrong person (in your case)?<<<

I don't know what I'm going to do with this situation. I wanted things to continue like they were, with him continuing to see and treating me like a princess and taking me to great places and showing what I thought was affection. He's not ready to date, even though I wish that were different. But do I? I think I got a bad deal. For him to go away and for this amount of time with no explanation is rotten. He really pulled off the act of the nice guy. He has been back on the dating site today. It's now been five days and no calls or contacts whatsoever...

One consolation: If this is the end, he's going to steam roll over some other girls heart and she can be the rebound relationship, not me. Ours wasn't long enough to be anything really.




Edited 7/7/2007 12:26 am ET by gal_carmena
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 10:52am

Well, it does look like he is pulling away, for whatever reason he has...and it is not you because he is still too messed up to make good decisions anyway. Can you send a certified letter or an email or some kind of written communication to get the tape and your personal belongings. The make up can be replaced but the tape is valuable to you. If you state things very clearly and confidently maybe he will at least be a grown man and give you the tape.

Chalk it up to a lesson learned about men and divorce and rebounds and pulling off the nice guy routine. My second ex husband fooled me too. He came off as nice guy Bob and turned out to be someone who would destroy my home after the divorce out of bitterness and spite. He is not stable and, in my opinion, doesnt deserve anything nice in this world. If he died, I wouldn't care. That is how bad of a person he was. He portrayed himself to be an ethical, decent person who would never lift a finger to hurt anything or anyone. But, because he is impressionable and easily manipulated...he turned ugly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 1:50am

>>>Well, it does look like he is pulling away, for whatever reason he has...and it is not you because he is still too messed up to make good decisions anyway.<<<

Hi, Snafu. I really believe what you said above that it's not about me. He's screwed up emotionally. BUT, and I thank cl 2nd_life on the toxic relationships board for pointing this out to me, it doesn't give him the right to lie to me. That's hurtful and user behavior. Do you agree?

About the tape. I know it should be in my hands, but I just hate to call this person. My parents say give it another week and he'll be calling me. One thing, I have pictures of him naked, showing his genitals and face (he e-mailed to me before he stopped calling). Does that level the playing field? Meaning, chances are he wouldn't put the tape on the internet because I could put his pics on there. But, you know what? That still doesn't stop him from distributing copies to his friends who could post it on the net. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 4:34am

Hi! I see that you posted about a week ago...I just wanted to reply anyway.

It seems like you've met a man who is emotionally (and physically and mentally) unavailable. Unfortunately, you may have been somewhat of a rebound for a man who is not over his marriage. I honestly believe that freshly divorced, and especially people who are still IN THE PROCESS of divorce really don't need to be dating. There should be a 'healing' time between relationships, especially when those broken relationships were marriage.
Question: how long did you know him before having sex with him? I know you said that it was on the third date...how much time passed before the third date? From his behavior, it's pretty clear that he is still hung up on his broken marriage and that he is not ready for a relationship. Yes, his "I'm not in love with you" comment was definitely harsh; however, at least he was honest. Of course, he is still leading you on by not returning calls or just giving you straight answers.
Also, a huge red flag is a man who speaks negatively about another relationship...this is huge, gal_carmena. Some relationships end bad; however, it is never cool to put down a former flame to a prospective or new flame. Also, the fact that he broke into his wife's emails shows that he is somewhat obsessed with her. That kind of behavior is unstable. Would you want to be with someone who would do that?
In regards to him introducing you to his children, I agree that is way too soon for you to meet them. There is no need for you to meet the children of a man you've been dating for only two months. You're trying to build a relationship with him, not his children. Many parents make the mistake of exposing their children to multiple people they're dating. When things don't work out, it confuses the kids, especially if they're young. Meeting kids should really only happen when things are serious.

It's not a matter of him being a 'nice guy' or not. What he is is a guy who isn't over his wife. Honestly, two months is not enough time to determine whether or not someone is a nice person. People tend to be on their best behavior in the beginning because they're trying to win you over. This is why it is sooooo important to get to know someone before getting physical with the person. Sex changes things and it's usually the woman who ends up hurt when things don't work out. It was wrong of him to continue with you, knowing that he isn't over her. However, it's not like you went into it blind. You knew full well what was going on. There's no one to blame here...what you have to do is decide whether or not you want to hang on to something that appears to be hopeless, or move on, though you're hurt. It's better to cut your losses and get out now than to continue to subject yourself to more hurt. I wish you the best.

Mali




Edited 7/8/2007 2:10 pm ET by mali2579
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:49am

"it doesn't give him the right to lie to me. That's hurtful and user behavior. Do you agree?"---> Yes, I believe you and the cl on the other board are correct. If he uses and lies and cheats then he is guilty of a moral infraction. Of course there is no law against what he did and some morons rely on that to turn things around on you to say that "you asked for it". Of course we should rely on our instincts to guide us, but if you have never encountered this type of behavior before...you may fall prey to it.

Everyone makes mistakes and hopefully we learn from those mistakes.

If you repeatedly find yourself in this dilemma then it's time to start asking yourself some questions.

The moral character of our country has eroded over time and it has become opportunistic and people will take advantage of a situation where you have placed trust in them. How horrible that people will use and abuse and then...eventually become paranoid.

For instance, my second ex husband (the one who tricked me) is guilty of vandalizing my home. When we divorced he gave me a very strong impression that we could still be friendly and rely on each other in a pinch and there was no animosity regarding the divorce. He used to babysit my cat when I would have to go out of town on work. Then, when my airconditioning system got vandalized in 2002 I changed the locks to the house and took back the keys from him and my cleaning man. I couldn't accuse either because I had no proof. When they pulled out the air handler I saw leaking from 3 spots in the unit and the woman at the company who supplied me the new airconditioning system told me it looked like someone took a screwdriver to it. I tried pet sitters and I was not happy with them. When my ex's parents moved down to Florida I asked them if they would hold a set of keys and look after my cat if necessary. They said yes and wrote down my alarm pass code and put it with the keys, in their drawer.

By June 2004 I noticed certain items in my office were missing. Files about my credit cards, a spare key, my sales performance history, medical records and work related documents were gone. The last time I saw these items that were filed away was August 2003. By mid 2004, I started to notice that things in my house were damaged again. Obviously someone was getting in when I would leave the house and damaging my kitchen cabinets and walls and tile and grout and appliances in such a way (probably with the use of chemicals) so that the interaction with cleaning agents would start to destroy finishes and create stains that I could not get out. Inside my kitchen cabinets there are orange and yellow splotches and drip marks. Once I filed a police report (burglary and vandalism) and told my ex that I did file the report the damage stopped. Eventually I changed the locks again. My ex, I believe, was lying to me about our divorce settlement and was displeased. I asked for the divorce. Instead of fighting the settlement he chose to get back at me later. He worked in conjunction with another person who is also sick (a rich doctor - he was obsessed with me and my ex was his patient and doctor was caught following me - tried to get a restraining order, but couldnt'). Unfortunately his parents get sucked into this, but if they knew what he was going to do to me, I can't help them. When I gave his parents the keys my ex was not on the deed to the house. At some point, they put him on the deed. So now, the house is his and he had every right to enter the home.

Just because I gave them the keys to the house, it doesn't give them the right to vandalize my house...just like your situation. I didn't think they were criminals. I did not give consent for Bob to enter the house, only his parents. I never told his mother that I wanted her son in my home and I never told him that he could come instead of his parents. And there were only welcome when I was away on business, not when I would be gone normal daytime hours.

"Does that level the playing field?" ---> it could, but I would contact my lawyer and have him write a certified letter to this guy requesting either the destruction of the tape or surrendering it to you.

Hopefully you will not have to encounter this again. I remember when I was divorcing both exes...I was not in a state of mind to have a real relationship during the break up/move out/pending finalizing paperwork time..maybe a fling at most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 2:22pm

>>>how long did you know him before having sex with him? I know you said that it was on the third date...how much time passed before the third date?<<<

It was actually the 4th date we had sex-that makes me feel better. I have known him for about six weeks. He called me every single night after our first meet. I would say about 5 weeks had passed before the 4th date because he has his kids every other weekend.




Edited 7/8/2007 2:33 pm ET by gal_carmena
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 5:25pm
snafu, I'm sorry this happened to you. Your ex (the doctor) sounds very evil. I'm sorry. You got away from him, that's the best thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:11pm
Heavens no...the ex is a bread guy - not the doctor. My ex was a patient of the doctor (psycho) with whom he got entangled, into a life of crime. Unfortunately I knew the doctor because I was once a drug rep for a pharmaceutical company in the same area that the doctor practiced. The doctor and I never dated.