I need some help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
I need some help!!
26
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:51pm

I've been dating this man for about 2 months. He came across as nice and a good person. All our dates were warm and he was so generous to me. On our third date, I stayed over his place for the weekend and we had sex. My problem is the last couple of days he hasn't been returning my calls in a timely manner. The other night, I called at 1:30 am (I know I shouldn't have, and he didn't pick up) because he hadn't returned the call I left earlier that day. Anyway, he sent me a message in the morning stating everything was ok.

We talked later on that day, but when I brought up exclusivity he said, "I'm not in love with you". It came out of nowhere and I was hurt after I asked and he went on to explain that at 16 it was love at first sight for the wife he's now divorcing. Then he said we are still exclusive, he only dates one woman at at time and he wants to see me this weekend. Anyway, after his announcement that "he wasn't in love with me", the conversation didn't feel good. We hung up then I called back and told him, I didn't feel good about the conversation. He agreed stating that things came out wrong, he's sorry, and he'll call me later. Well, that call never came. I called him that night and left a message for him to call me, still no call...

Some background: He is going through a divorce. I wouldn't have dated him except his online profile says "divorced" even though he's not yet. He has two kids, and he talks about how much he loves them and how devoted to them he is. All through our dates, though they have been wonderful, all he talks about is his wife, how she did him wrong, how much he loved her, how he misses his kids, how he wants them 50% of the time, ad nauseum, etc. He apologizes for doing it, but it keeps happening.

He won't introduce me to the kids for fear that they will freak out. Sunday, the girl (9) found my makeup compact in his bathroom and ran to her daddy and demanded, "whose is this!" So, he tells me about it and tells me he lied to her saying it was his friend's girlfriend's.

All this doesn't sit well with me. I think I called too many times. I think he's too wrapped up in his wife, (he broke into and reads her e-mails) and I understand he doesn't want the kids hurt. BUT...I feel he should be man enough to sit down with his daughter and tell her, "my marriage to your mother is over and I need to move on". He says he has, but she can't accept it, so he won't introduce me to the kids yet for fear of hurting them.

What to do? There is a lot of drama here, but he's a nice guy--or so I thought. But, would a nice guy have sex with me more than once, say how good it was and how good I make him feel about himself and then ghost on me?? Or would he have the decency to call me, or send an e-mail, and tell me it's over?

I don't know what to do. If it's over, I want my makeup back and I want the sex-tape we made back. Of course, I will wait until I hear from him, but it seems he should have already returned my calls. he did say he wanted to see me this weekend. I think to see if he can develop feelings for me, but that was before we both agreed our last conversation didn't go well.

I'd like some advice...Is this over? should it be over? I need a man to love me and put me first. Also, he updated his profile this morning, added to it, but still has not contacted me and said it's over...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 07-08-2007 - 10:14pm
Just so you know, guys are testing women after they sleep with them by pulling back. I read that in "Men Who Marry Bitches". They do this to test a woman's control over her emotions. While you know that your SO is kind of messed up...don't rule out this sick game that immature guys play with women.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 1:30am

>>>Just so you know, guys are testing women after they sleep with them by pulling back. I read that in "Men Who Marry Bitches". They do this to test a woman's control over her emotions. While you know that your SO is kind of messed up...don't rule out this sick game that immature guys play with women.<<<

Snafu, the above is a good point and I wouldn't put it pass this man who I really believe to be dysfunctional like stated on another board. I just read on one of the boards a round of advice given to a woman who was dating a man that chose to go back to his wife. That got me thinking: If this man would have behaved decently with me and had not disappeared for 7 days and counting, who's to say he wouldn't have gone back with his wife later on? Then I would have gotten really hurt. The reason I say this is because with him it's a big possibility. He has been with and known his stbx for 18 years of his life. They have a strong history, he's still wounded, still loves her (I have no idea why I didn't see it before) and desperately loves and wants to live with and raise his chldren 100% of the time. I think that if she decides to go on with the marriage or reconcile later, he would get back with her at the drop of a hat!

So, maybe I dodged a bullet? Though I am in no way excusing his behavior which I think stinks. But, Karma says he'll get his. Before it's said and done, some woman will treat him just as rotten as he's treated me. And I don't buy this crap from some men that a man who 'ghosts' on a woman wants to avoid drama. We have the internet. He could have at the very least send a brief e-mail saying it's over and that he was sorry. I will say that the sex was good, and I got wined and dined for 6 weeks (he spent a lot of money). That's something. Although I shouldn't and won't again put myself into this situation and ignore all these red flags for good sex. And there's still the tape to contend with, but I'm giving it a few more days until I decide how to act on that. Hopefully like another poster said, he will not have distributed copies to his friends or placed it on the net by then.




Edited 7/9/2007 1:33 am ET by gal_carmena
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 4:24pm

"So, maybe I dodged a bullet?" --> I think so. I think when a man talks incessantly about an ex there are unresolved issues either with love or anger. Either can infect any relationship with a new woman in his life.

"Hopefully like another poster said, he will not have distributed copies to his friends or placed it on the net by then." ---> good luck.

"And I don't buy this crap from some men that a man who 'ghosts' on a woman wants to avoid drama. We have the internet. He could have at the very least send a brief e-mail saying it's over and that he was sorry."----> I agree. But to send a brief email it would require them to be MEN and not boys...and that's where most of them fall short.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 11:20pm
Snafu, I just wanted you to know he changed his profile to include a brand new pic, complete with a new "instant message" feature. And he also changed his age back to 34. He's really 44 and when I found that out, he said that was there by mistake and that he would change it. He did, but now on this updated profile, which he chose to "hide", it's back to saying he's 34. I feel like I'm going to throw up! seriously I feel sick! I used no protection.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:17am

Oh no! Well, he's a dirty dog and you know another girl is going to get caught in his web. How does he get away with lying about his age? So..new pic and a private profile? What a loser.

If you are truely concerned about not using protection...in about 6 months you might want to consider getting tested for STDs like gonorrhea, clamydia, syphillis, HIV. It's always best to get a clean bill of health. Did you happen to ask him when the last time was that he had sex prior to you? That is usually a good question to ask and...you could also throw in a question about when was the last time he was tested for STDs. Just because he is going through a divorce doesn't mean he didn't have sex with other women during the course of his marriage.

It has a long time since I have had sex (bummer...I know) however, I was tested after the last time I had sex and it is nice to know that I'm okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:25am
Snafu, yes, I'm in shock. really. For some reason I just didn't believe he was actually this low. He really can pass for 34, and that's what I thought he was at first. I did ask him when the last time he had sex was and he said it was 5 months ago with his stbx when he was still in the house and they were still trying to work things out. He did say he would get tested when I asked him, but he didn't tell me the last time he got tested.


Edited 7/12/2007 1:38 am ET by gal_carmena

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