i need some male feedback

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
i need some male feedback
7
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 2:51pm
i'd like to know what other men think of my relationship:

it has been 3 months since i've started seeing this guy. we now see each other every single day, i sleep over fri night and saturday nights because weekdays we both need to get to work (him earlier than me).

right now things are very stressful for him. but it seems when he is relaxed he has no problems hanging out with me every single day, hours at a time. when he gets overwhelmed, he gets moody, and if he asks me for help but i can't help him (i do try) he gets even more frustrated.

he is a very attractive guy and i think he is confident enough to know that (girls always try to flirt). he has told me he likes me alot, wants things to work out (when we have little arguments), but he wants dating to be fun (as it should be). for some reason he has already mentioned that he isn't going to marry me (i can't think of marriage at this point in life either) so i am guessing he is afraid i might get too serious. i've told him i am NOT thinking of marriage...

i already had the exclusivity talk, telling him i don't want him seeing/dating/hooking up with other girls. he told me he would never do something like that to me, he would never cheat, and would make sure he told me if he wanted to date other girls. however, he said, he doesn't want to be chained down and that this isn't "forever." again, i was thinking, i am not talking about marriage...

i do feel like i'm chasing him. i admit i am very attached.

but then again, if i don't pay attention to him at a party, he will eventually come to me, hold my hand, pull me aside from everyone else etc. while he had just told people "we hang out" he recently told someone that he is dating me. even if he said he wanted to get work done before we hung out again (which isprobably a couple of days), he made sure to call me.

my friends (female) believe that he doesn't treat me right, that stress is not an excuse to take it out on me by making sarcastic comments about my inability to help.

he says that i shouldn't over analyze and stop reading into things, thati shouldn't take things (like if he doesn't call me back right away) personally.

i felt like i'm overanalyzing, and after his phone call last night (i didnt ask him to call me and this was the day after he told me we shouldn't hang out till he finished this)i felt pretty good about our relationship. obviously he has his career to worry about right now and its his #1 priority, but i feel he is doing a good job spending time with me...at the 3 month time point, i don't think i could expect to be his #1 priority at an important time in his career.

i think he does like me. maybe not as much as i like him...but is there anything i should worry about? maybe i want a relationship more than he does, but if we like each other, shouldn't that be enough to stay in a relationship?

what do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 4:59pm
I think: don't chase and both of you will be happier.

MB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:13pm
It totally depends on what you are ultimately looking for. Only you know that. This relationship is not going to last. When a guy proclaims early on that he's not going to marry you and doesn't want you to get too serious, it means he knows you're not IT for him but you're good enough for right now. It's a casual dating relationship, not a serious relationship. If you're fine with having fun while it lasts, keeping things casual and enjoying things as they come, until something better comes along for one of you and it ends, then there's nothing to worry about at all. Just be honest with yourself, and him. If that's NOT what you're looking for, don't pretend it is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 6:17pm
Why do I get the sense that this *relationship* is really one sided and you're putting in all the effort?

A few things bothered me:

"and if he asks me for help but i can't help him (i do try) he gets even more frustrated."- what does he ask for help in? does he help you out whenever you need help?

"i sleep over fri night and saturday nights because weekdays we both need to get to work (him earlier than me)." -is there a reason why YOU are the only one making the trip to sleep over?


"while he had just told people "we hang out" he recently told someone that he is dating me." - that alone should be a big clue about how he feels, you are just the *for now* person and not the *one*. You should not stay in it just to stay in it, that's not a good reason and you're robbing yourself of the opportunity to find yourself YOUR *one*.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 8:14pm
I take it what you want from him is a relationship without strings. In time, when you grow tired of him, you want to be free to go. He likes this idea also. What you both want is the perks of a committed relationship with the commitment.

Maybe you do want something more. If you spend most of the week seeing each other, what more can you expect? If you can't help him with his moodiness and he gets mad, he isn't being fair now is he.

He has his quirks and if you want to be in a relationship with him, you will have to except them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:30pm
thank you everyone for your replies! it's difficult to stand back and make objective conclusions about your own relationship, so i really appreciate it all. of course, feel free to post more, i love hearing everyone's opinions...even if it's not EXACTLY what i wanted to hear :P

anyway, seriously though, man-behavior is confusing. "we shouldn't hang out until" but he comes over...and then asks about dinner tomorrow. i wasn't the one that called him, suggested these things, to be slightly 'unavailable' i hate playing games, but he broke his own "we shouldn't hang out until" thing and came to see me.

maybe it's best NOT to think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:20pm
Hi Sunny. Hope you can stand another opinion! I think that 3 months is far too early to be exclusive, especially in this case when he's made it clear there is no future for the two of you. I wouldn't dream of suggesting you play the "unavailable" game, but why don't you become unavailable in reality? Go out with your friends, have your own life, learn to play the piano or whatever? You know, I've lost a few girlfriends when they met a guy and dropped their lives for him. It still makes me sad to think about them. Get out there, girlfriend!

amjay45

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:49pm
yeah, i agree. i'm kinda freaking out about being so available to him. is 3 months too early for being exclusive? if i've slept with him, i'd rather him not be sleeping with other girls. he isn't, and that's what i wanted to make clear to him.

dating SHOULD be fun....right?