I need some tough advice/long msg.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
I need some tough advice/long msg.
12
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:36am
I really need some advice. I am single and 35 years old. I've never been married and I don't have any kids. I have a steady, good-paying job, I own a house, a car, and a cat. I am average-looking and a bit shy/reserved. My last relationship was five years ago. No, that's not a typo - five years ago. My boyfriend broke up with me (it wasn't an angry breakup and we still talk) and moved out of town. He's now married and has a child. I haven't been on any dates for five years. At first I thought it was just a little dry spell for me and didn't worry too much about it. I've not been one to date a lot anyway. But five years have passed and while I am not afraid of being alone and I know that having someone won't solve problems, I do wish that I had someone in my life. I have many male friends and they all go on and on about how I am a great catch and they can't believe that someone hasn't snatched me up yet. I am, I think, one of those women that you have to get to know before someone realizes that he might be interested in me. I'm at the point now of not knowing when a man is interested in me. I can't remember what it is like to have a guy flirt with me. I am around many pretty and out-going women on a daily basis and I am quite accustomed to being overlooked even ingored by men because of these women. I feel as though I can't match them in any way so why try. I can't even remember the last time I had a crush on a guy because I feel like I've completely shut down that part of me. Quite frankly, the idea of having a relationship scares me since I feel like I'm really out of practice. I don't have a lot of friends (male or female) and the ones that I do have don't really share my interests. I don't like going to things alone and since none of my friends want to go I just sit at home and watch tv most nights. I know that I have self-esteem issues and I am working on them little by little and day by day. I have a supportive family and they love me. So, do you have any advice for someone who's not dated for five years and doesn't know how to begin?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:20pm
Yes, I have a couple ideas.

Online dating will give you a chance to get your feet wet and go out on a lot of first dates. You may or may not meet someone to have a r'ship with, but it's a good way of getting back into circulation. Check out the Online Dating board here on Ivillage for lots of tips on doing online dating. However, I will caution you that you need to have good self-esteem and know not to take the whole dating process too personally or seriously to do online dating successfully.

The other idea is to find one or two groups in your area that offer activities you're interested in. That way you can make new friends who share your intersts and possibly meet men. But I'd do it more for the first reason; the 2nd reason would just be gravy if it happened.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 8:07am
Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure that online dating is for me but I'll consider it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 1:20pm
let me ask you how proactive have you been in trying to change your situation? Have you gone to places to meet people, even if it is by yourself? Have you joined any kind of social clubs and gone to their events? Also have you try to invest in yourself? Like going to the makeup counter and asking what kind of makeup you should wear to make your nice features stand out? How about your wardrobe? Do you buy clothing that compliments you and makes your figure stand out?

As much as women hate to admit it, men are visual and like you said that sometimes men overlook you. I'm not saying get plastic surgery or something but always try to look your best! Just my humble opinion.....GOOD LUCK!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:12pm
I know what you're going thru although we have opposite problems. If you haven't read my dilemma, I've been hung up on a guy who's involved with someone else, too. I've walked away before...for months at a time, and I know exactly what you mean when you say that part of you has shut down. It's like, I was hurt so many times, that i can't even acknowledge a possible relationship, because I think they're only interested in one thing. I, too, am single, without kids, and haven't had a serious real relationship in a long time. My guy friends also make comments about not believing I'm not "taken." When a guy shows interest in me, I run....am I scared of committment? I don't know. Maybe. I also have some esteem issues, like who would want to be with me? I also have an eating disorder. I don't have any advice for you...but I thought I would just let you know that there's someone else out there who feels the same way you do. I AM afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. What happens when all my friends are married with new lives? Will I still be sitting here, alone? Weren't you shattered when the man you were involved with got married? I must not be as strong as you, because I would've dug into a dark hole. Keep your head held high, though, because I truly believe everyone has a soul mate on this earth!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 6:36pm
Hi and thanks for your reply. Yes, I recognize a lot of the emotions and feelings that you talked about having. I do feel as though I've been strong though I tend not to recongize that as strength. I think of it more as me forgetting about certain things. I am capable of living alone and most of the time being my own company is okay by me.

I know it must be difficult for you to be hung up on someone who is involved with someone else. I wish that I had some advice for you but I don't. I hope things get better for you and you should keep your head high as well. Thanks for listening (well, reading) and replying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 6:56pm
I probably don't invest enough time and energy into myself...I admit it. I do try to keep my wardrobe up to date but it is always very casual (I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl). I given up on going out and trying to meet people because it has really been quite painful and hasn't really turned out all that great the last few times. As far as joining groups...well...I live in kind of a small town and all of the interest groups are full of people not my age (read: much older). Heck, I'm full of excuses, huh? :)

Here's an example of one my solo outings. This happened on my BIRTHDAY. Yes, I celebrated my birthday alone. I went to a nice restaurant and went into the bar area where I could eat and drink. I sat at the bar and ordered a drink. The guy next to me began to chat me up. I wasn't really attracted to him but, hey, I'll talk and I thought we were having a nice enough conversation. This was back in May and he asked me if I had any big summer plans. I said that I wanted to go sailing. I said that I had never been sailing and it was really one of my goals for the summer. The some girl enters the bar. She's pretty and blond. She's the wine vendor for the bar (or whatever you call the person who sells the wine to the bar). So the guy starts not talking to me anymore (fine because I have my meal by now) and starts talking to the wine girl. He starts talking to her about wine...what her favorite wine is...what his favorite wine is....etc. He turns to me and says I know what your favorite wine is. I said, "you do"? He said, in his best 3-year-old whiny voice, "I want to go saaaaiiilling." The guy left about 30 minutes later (and asked for my number (!) and gave me his card) and the bartender (who I know) told me that the guy was a real player. Yeah, fun birthday. :)

You are right though...I won't find anyone staying at home all of the time but I get so tired of being ignored and overlooked that it just is easier to stay at home. I shouldn't let one jerk ruin the rest of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 7:16pm
Okay......so you're 35....been there - you're on your own - am there....and you have no interests, hobbies, goals, pursuits that keep you enthralled, captivated, learning about yourself, and involvd in life in general - used to be there at 35 but so am not anymore!

Hon...it's like this. Whatever philosophy you adhere to "there is a soulmate out there for me, guaranteed" or "there might not be someone out there for everyone" or "most people are right for most people, it's timing that is critical"....the fact is this.

Whatever your life consists of as far as goals, interests, successes, pursuits, self-empowerment, improvement, enlightenment and involvement - IT'S GOT TO COME FROM YOU - TO YOU, WITH LOVE AND WRAPPED UP IN PRETTY PAPER!

Whatever your want out of life - you've got to make yourself into that someone. Whatever you want to hve in life - you've got to pursue and acquire. Whatever you prioritize in life - you've got to involve yourself in it in order to be fascinated, involved, and evolve as a person.

No man is going to make you into what you're not...what you re right now is osmeone with alot of time on your hands, probably financially sound, and who is willing to do whatever interests him and he's involved with (not talking sex here, either).

That's going to have guys attracted to you with laundry for you to clean, and meals for you to make for their invalid mother so that they can hit the bar with their buddies.

Let's use your example as a good example. You aid to the guy "I don't have any solid plans for this summer, but I'd love to go sailing. I've always wanted to do it."

Well, hon - hope and destiny are strippers names but they're not a plan in create a success!

What have you DONE about ensuring that you go sailing this summer? What plans have you made and confirmed, what lessons have you taken, what books have you read, what do you hop to learn about yourself and experience "by going sailing"...there's interesting conversation in there - have you had that talk wiht you? If you don't - you can't with anybody else.

Someone said to me once "you're trying to create Hallmark and Kodak moments, Erin and life isn't a Christmas card or a photograph." So right....so true.

I went out and "lived" and got involved - I found what intrested me because it taught me about me, I pursued it diligently and to excellence, within it I found people who found it interesting because they also pursued it for thier own reasons...and we had lots in common becuase of shared intrests, goals, and pursuits.

I found people that I could model my life after - not that I wanted to "be them" - but I wanted to stand on the podiums on which they stood -a nd I learned what it took to get there and put forth the effort to do it. I didn'tw ant the gold medal - iw anted to know that I was capable and wiling to pursue the gold medal - win or lose.

There's an entire life out there that is passing you by - because you're afraid of being alone and taking a risk - while you're now alone and at risk of losing out on life every precious second.

So what if you never find osmeone to share life with....I'm thoroughly convinced some of us aren't meant to share "our lives" with someone special - some people have to raise the bar, set the example, and be the role model.........and it's very hard to have intimate relationships with icons and heros!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:44pm
Erin pretty much elaborated what I was thinking...

Create your own life. Define how your life is going to be. Stand up for yourself and own your power.

No one else is going to create it for you. No one else is going to define it for you. No one is going to give you the power and strength you need to live your life.

(even if they did or could, you would probably not be happy anyway...)

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 3:02pm
I agree with the poster who said "Life is what you make it". I took a class once and the instructor said something I will never forget. He said "If you want the best, YOU have to be the best" In other words, you get what you are. If you are staying home and feeling sorry for yourself, then THAT is what you are going to get from life. Like I said if you have time invest in yourself. Talk self confidence classes, take classes that show you how to dress, or be more feminine, go and get contacts if you wear glasses, go get your teeth bleach if you think it might make you look better. Do whatever it takes to change your life for the better. Do see what I'm saying?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 8:54pm
Yeah, I do see what you mean. Thanks for the advice. It is so tough to change your ways, habits, etc. after you've been one way for so long. I'm so used to just getting up, going to work, coming home, and once a week, go to the store.

I'll give it a shot. :)

Thanks again.

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