I need your help please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
I need your help please!!!
11
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:30pm
Hi-

I really need the advice of women. I am a man and didn't no where else to go. I'm sorry I am crashing these boards but I could really use help. Here's my situation below (warning: its a little bit of a long read) but I really need advice. Please please help

In the fall of 2001 I fell in love with the most wonderful woman I'd ever met. We dated until the summer of 2003. We broke up (initiated by me) because I was starting graduate school (a one year program with no guarantee of where I'd be after a year) in the city we lived in and she was relocating to her home city (hours away) to pursue her education. I felt we should separate because 1) I have a bad history with long distance relationships 2)Everything in the future was so ambiguous 3) We were both young and inexperienced when we met (24 and 23 years old) and I thought a little time apart would ensure us that if we did get back together it would be for all the right reasons.

After breaking up we stayed close and talked every day pretty much til the end of the year. During that time she visited the city where I lived 3 times and we saw each other. There were still so many feelings there and each visit ended with a lot of tears and pain of being apart. In January I lined up my job for post-graduation (in June) and could see my life coming together (I'm now almost 27 she is 26). I called her and said I wanted to visit on Valentine's Day so we could see what was still there and discuss how things could work between us if that's what we wanted (like her being able to relocate to be with me after her school is done in June 2005). She said no because 1)she thought it was a long-shot to work out because she still had a year and a half of school and couldn't be sure she'd want to leave her home city to move with me 2) she felt like she needed experience and didn't want to come back to me because its all she knows 3) she was so afraid of feeling pain like she did when we broke up

Since that discussion we talked less but still remained good friends

Here is my problem--about five weeks ago she started dating a guy who is now her boyfriend. She won't tell me much about the relationship but from what I gather I'm afraid its serious. I am very scared. We talked the other night and I said I couldn't call her for a while because I needed to absorb things and didn't want to let my jealousy and hurt make me say stupid things.

I am very concerned because at our age relationships can move fast. I know she has pressure from family/friends to be married. Although I know feelings for me are strong and still there. Even when she first told me about the guy after a couple of weeks I got upset and asked if she liked him more than me. She refused to answer. And I said is it just that I am not in the same location as you. And she said yes and almost started to cry. The guy is a little older and is probably ready to settle down to. I can't imagine a life for me without this woman in it and I feel like that it is happening. I am so scared that in 10 months she's going to call me to tell me she's engaged.

I don't know what to do. I feel like now that things are settled our timing might be better and we could be together and be happier than we even were before (and we were very happy). Only thing is this would require her to move from her home city to be with me (my job means I have to be on the east coast for at least 2-3 years). And she is now very happy being back in her home city (ironically i recommended she go to school there because I knew she would be).

I feel like if i say anything she'll tell me she feels like she needs to give her new relationship a chance and that she sees her life in her home city. I feel like if I don't say anthing I'll lose her. Whearas last summer everything was so up in the air now things have changed and I think its worth she and I giving it a chance. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm sure all her friends/family in her home city would tell her to forget about me and move on with this guy and say that I'm just jealous.

But I fear that this guy is not deserving of the great woman she is (although I don't know him) and that she's going to just settle because of the marriage pressure. I would hate to have her and I both end up with people that don't make us as happy in the long run because it was easier in the short run.

I am a good, educated man and care about this woman deeply. But I am so confused. Am I just jealous? Or am I legitimatley freaking out because I see someone I should be with slipping away from me?

WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED HELP--I NEED THE ADVICE OF WOMEN

thank you for reading

-mm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 7:21pm

Hello mm!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 10:31pm
thank you for the welcome. Would definitely like to hear your thoughts!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 12:06am
ok... this is always a tough situation... when two people part who still have feelings for each other it is always hard to do.

 
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 6:06am
I havent read your other responses but my first thought was "how manipulative..." I hope you can appreciate that for the honest female read on your post. The bottom line is this: You broke up with her because the situation wasnt one that worked for you. I think that is FINE. Now she has found someone that she might find real and true happiness for...a situation that works for HER and you are now afraid of "losing her".

From what you have told us, it seems like the relationship is contingent on HER visiting you in your city, HER moving to where you are...In the truest and deepest love I have ever had, it came from a place of me really giving and giving of myself.

Now the day has come where you and this woman "look good on paper"...your life is more settled, you sound more ready to commit, perhaps you have got the other dating out of your system. Unfortunately, the risk you take when you let someone go is that you might not get them back. True love is wanting HER happiness....and to me that seems to be that she wants to live where she is currently at and maybe, too soon to tell, has found someone to share that with. If you do nothing else, really question if you have taken HER happiness, goals, desires into consideration in this relationship. Good luck.


Edited 5/22/2004 6:11 am ET ET by bratgirl2002

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 6:29am
Dear MM,

I have to 'somewhat' agree with the previous post. You have been a bit manipulative from the beginning. Get together then let her go, then get together again, according to what works best for you.But I guess it was really unintentional.She obviously got fed up with the up's and down's in your relationship.She wants to settle and sees no chance of that happening with you. If you really love her, want to be with her, would do anything in the world to get back together, why dont YOU consider moving for HER? IF for any reason you cant, then I think you owe her the chance to let her live her life the way she wants. Although I dont believe in the whole "If you love someone truly, you;ll let go", but in this case, if you dont make a positive step, then you dont have much of an option then to let go. Who knows? Maybe she would realize that she is not all that happy with that other person afterall?

Good luck, dear

Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 6:34am
Yep...good post. To clarify the "if you truly love someone let them go" statement....what I mean is that if he isnt willing to do the things necessary to pursue this love (and I may be wrong but I dont get the impression that he wants to upheave his life...it seems to be alot of her going to him), then he needs to cut the ties and say "I love her, I want her to be happy, I cant give her what she needs" INSTEAD OF making her cry and feel bad on the phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 8:50am
Exactly my point. MM, you either put some REAL effort into it, or let someone else do make her happy....I know it sounds depressing, but at the same time you said you're 27!! Still a long way to go and I bet lots of other women who will come your way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 9:50am
Thank you for all the advice.

I would absolutely put real effort into things. I would visit all the time while she was finishing school next year. The only thing is, contractually because of a job I've accepted, I need to be on the east coast for the next 2 years. That doesn't mean down the road I couldn't move to a new place. We could make compromises if we wanted to be together.

I'm really not trying to manipulate her or anybody just do what is best. Letting her go was the hardest decision I've made and not some fly by night decision for me.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 3:57pm
If you're serious about this, I would go visit her in person (if she is willing to meet with you--I would make hotel arrangements, etc for yourself though so she doesn't feel any pressure). Let her know that you are serious about making things work, explain what the barriers are (your job), and then leave her alone to make up her mind.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:08pm
I'm sure that letting go was a hard decision for you and not one to be taken lightly.

 

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