I need your help please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
I need your help please!!!
11
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 6:30pm
Hi-

I really need the advice of women. I am a man and didn't no where else to go. I'm sorry I am crashing these boards but I could really use help. Here's my situation below (warning: its a little bit of a long read) but I really need advice. Please please help

In the fall of 2001 I fell in love with the most wonderful woman I'd ever met. We dated until the summer of 2003. We broke up (initiated by me) because I was starting graduate school (a one year program with no guarantee of where I'd be after a year) in the city we lived in and she was relocating to her home city (hours away) to pursue her education. I felt we should separate because 1) I have a bad history with long distance relationships 2)Everything in the future was so ambiguous 3) We were both young and inexperienced when we met (24 and 23 years old) and I thought a little time apart would ensure us that if we did get back together it would be for all the right reasons.

After breaking up we stayed close and talked every day pretty much til the end of the year. During that time she visited the city where I lived 3 times and we saw each other. There were still so many feelings there and each visit ended with a lot of tears and pain of being apart. In January I lined up my job for post-graduation (in June) and could see my life coming together (I'm now almost 27 she is 26). I called her and said I wanted to visit on Valentine's Day so we could see what was still there and discuss how things could work between us if that's what we wanted (like her being able to relocate to be with me after her school is done in June 2005). She said no because 1)she thought it was a long-shot to work out because she still had a year and a half of school and couldn't be sure she'd want to leave her home city to move with me 2) she felt like she needed experience and didn't want to come back to me because its all she knows 3) she was so afraid of feeling pain like she did when we broke up

Since that discussion we talked less but still remained good friends

Here is my problem--about five weeks ago she started dating a guy who is now her boyfriend. She won't tell me much about the relationship but from what I gather I'm afraid its serious. I am very scared. We talked the other night and I said I couldn't call her for a while because I needed to absorb things and didn't want to let my jealousy and hurt make me say stupid things.

I am very concerned because at our age relationships can move fast. I know she has pressure from family/friends to be married. Although I know feelings for me are strong and still there. Even when she first told me about the guy after a couple of weeks I got upset and asked if she liked him more than me. She refused to answer. And I said is it just that I am not in the same location as you. And she said yes and almost started to cry. The guy is a little older and is probably ready to settle down to. I can't imagine a life for me without this woman in it and I feel like that it is happening. I am so scared that in 10 months she's going to call me to tell me she's engaged.

I don't know what to do. I feel like now that things are settled our timing might be better and we could be together and be happier than we even were before (and we were very happy). Only thing is this would require her to move from her home city to be with me (my job means I have to be on the east coast for at least 2-3 years). And she is now very happy being back in her home city (ironically i recommended she go to school there because I knew she would be).

I feel like if i say anything she'll tell me she feels like she needs to give her new relationship a chance and that she sees her life in her home city. I feel like if I don't say anthing I'll lose her. Whearas last summer everything was so up in the air now things have changed and I think its worth she and I giving it a chance. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I'm sure all her friends/family in her home city would tell her to forget about me and move on with this guy and say that I'm just jealous.

But I fear that this guy is not deserving of the great woman she is (although I don't know him) and that she's going to just settle because of the marriage pressure. I would hate to have her and I both end up with people that don't make us as happy in the long run because it was easier in the short run.

I am a good, educated man and care about this woman deeply. But I am so confused. Am I just jealous? Or am I legitimatley freaking out because I see someone I should be with slipping away from me?

WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED HELP--I NEED THE ADVICE OF WOMEN

thank you for reading

-mm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:13pm
Dear mm,

Let her spread her wings with a very strong reminder daily,weekly,whatever of who you are and what you had/have together. Don't get childish and petty ie.Do you like him more than me? Do little things to jog her memory regularly of how unique the relationship the two of you have. Letters ok, flowers rarely, simple cards or notes letting her know she's important and never far from your thoughts. If possible mm maybe you could relocate nearer to her and really make your presence known. Don't become a pest but a pleasant reminder. It's not always the woman who should bend it has to be 50-50 or resentments grow. And please don't make the fatal mistake of an ultimatum.

P.S. I could use a guy's advice please read my situation ang give me your take on it,please. Thanks

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