I read his E-mail!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
I read his E-mail!
3
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:42am
Help... I have been in a two year relationship with a wonderful man. We are very close however things we have had some differences this past year and I put it down to just getting to know each other better. On July 18th of this year, less than a month ago, I lost my father suddenly and I have been overwhelmed with grief. After returning home from the funeral, I found I just couldn't concentrate on anything and I decided to take ten days out to get away and process...come to terms and just do some thinking. However before I left for the trip I had an argument with my BF (couldn't believe he would fight with me at such a time) and I told him I just needed some space. Which I did. So I went UpState NY to the Catskill mountains with my 15 year old son. We went to a peaceful place and my mom joined us for a couple of days which was nice. We talked a lot, we cried alot and I have come to accept my father's death and I'm okay with that now.
So the night before I left I wrote my BF a long mushy letter to let him know how I might have been at wrong and caused us to fight and how much I really love him blah, blah, blah! After I sent the letter I began to realize it was the wrong thing to do because if you knew the cause of the argument we had, it really was his place to apologize and the fact that I was so emotionally fragile, I felt he should have been more understanding....so I wanted to undo the "send" on my email and just wait to see how he handled everything.
We have always been super honest with each other, no secrets, in fact one time he gave me his password to email to retrieve some info he needed when he could not get to his computer. So...I took the liberty of going into his e-mail to delete the letter I sent and then I saw it. He had a welcome letter there from an online dating service!!!!! I was absolutely shocked! I felt like someone stabbed me in the heart! I then went to the dating site and saw that he hadn't actually subscribed but that he had most defintely been there and submitted his information. I didn't know what to do. He has always been very open with me and always tells me that I could check his e-mail anytime...that he has nothing to hide from me...I guess he forgot I had his password! He gave it to me... and then he forgot! I was not going there to "snoop" on him. I have totally believed in this man. The fact that I thought he knew he gave me his password mad me believe he was totally trustworthy anyway. When we've had our differences I always thought "well he is an honest man and he would never cheat on me, and that is something I value greatly!
So I was afraid he would be angry that I entered his e-mail without his permission and have not been able to confront him. So I told him I had a dream that I he was browsing a dating site and it felt very real and I asked him outright if my dream could possibly be true... He said absolutely not! He swore on his dead brother's grave and his children!!!!! I was absolutely non-plussed. I did not want to pressure him because he was digging a deeper hole for himself. He talked about how important character was to him and that he would never lie or cheat etc etc.
I have been back for two days....everytime I see him, it is all I can think about. I wish I had never seen it. I am so dissapointed. I don't know how to handle this. He has not been back to the site since he visited it and he has not subscribed as far as I know but now I am so suspicious, and I am not like this usually, I would never have believed he would do this but even more so I would never believe he could lie to me with such panache'Maybe I should not expect him to tell me that "yes, he was browsing a dating site"!
Can anyone tell me how I should handle this...give me some ideas on what to do...should I just try to forget the whole episode. And since our relationship is on fragile ground perhaps I should just exit and not make him feel bad about lying to me....maybe I should just move on....HELP
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:52am

I'm sorry you're having to go through this so soon after your father's death. But yes, I think you should move on. Trust has been broken on both sides...he's lying to you about the dating service, you're lying to him about how you know about it. I do understand why you felt uncomfortable telling him about what you did, but that doesn't change the fact that it put you in a position of lying to him.

I don't see how you get past that kind of mutual dishonesty. Possibly if you come clean about reading his email, and he comes clean also and you apologize to each other...but if I were in your shoes, I'd be worried that his lie wasn't a one time thing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:13pm

Maybe I missed this in your post, but at what point did he sign up for this? Was this recently, when you both had that argument? Is it possible, that in his utter disappointment, or hurt, or anger towards you (for whatever reason) and wanting to look out for himself and his future, he hastily/impulsively did something which he now regrets. Possible?

I would say, come clean and TELL him about the e-mail. Calmly.

A relationship and esp. this one, that has developed for 2 years, deserves this honesty.
Keeping this in, is not going to do any good, and you might carry this hurt for the rest of your life, and this might affect your trust in men.

Am sorry. Hope things get better between the two of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 12:16pm

First, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father a few years back and know how devastating it can be...


As for your situation, I think you need to come clean with him and tell him exactly what you were doing and why. Is it possible that the site just signed him up with information grabbed from the computer? That has happened to me... remember if he has cookies on the machine, it's possible to obtain a good amount of info from those files.


I think you need to have an honest discussion, let him know what you did, what you found and then trust your gut on his response.


Hope this helps.