I really need help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
I really need help!!
24
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:43pm

I have this guy in my life and what our relationship is is up for grabs. Please tell me what you think the relationship is and let me know what you would do if you were me. OK?

Yes, he tells me he loves me (sometimes he will say "I love you so much" with obvious passion in his voice), he tells me that he wants me in his life forever, he tells me I'm special, he tells me what wonderful qualities I have and goes on to list them(attractive, hot, sexy and intelligent are on the list), he tells me that he can never have sex with me and can only have a platonic friendship with me.

I know for a fact that he's not gay and he has had brief (6 months max.) relationships with other women in his past. He has never been married and is 40 years old. He lives by himself and he is home every night. He tells me I can call him anytime, I do, and he's usually home when I call when he's not at work. He has always been there late at night and early in the morning.

What does he do? He looks forward to his favorite tv shows, bike rides, exercises, goes to movies by himself.

What is with this guy anyway? He the exact opposite of your typical commitment-phobic. He's right there with the love and emotion but holds back sex. What am I to think and what would you do if you were in my situation? Have you been in my situation?

Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated!

Kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:14pm

Well, first realize that at 40 if he's never been in serious, committed realtionships - it's not becuase people didn't seek them with him...it's that he refused them when he was offered the opportunities.

Basically...the guy wnts someone "when he wants them".....that's it. HE doesn't want commitment and to share his lfie and be obligated...he wants someone there as a "companion" whenhe wants someone - but he wants to relegate you to a shelf if something else comes up that he'd rather do, or that his scheduled activity would be impacted if you were around.

That's all it is. HE's withholding sex....for potentially a couple of reasons. A....it could be that he's very aware that if he had sex with you - you'd NEVER GET LOST. As in....some men date in order to get to know you...and some men pay for a date to ensure that at the end of the evening you have to go home.

Sex changes that...all of a sudden there's going to be a problem. If he got up post-coitus and put on his pants and said "adios" - see you Wednesday. Yo'ud be devastated and i'm sure let him know it.

And if you were at his place post sex....what would you do if he asked you "okay, we're done, I like to sleep alone, I don't want a relationship, so please, go back to your place till Wednesday and I'll talk to you then."

Those two scenarios are worth AVOIDING because right now he has you "precisely where he wants you".

Whenever he calls - you're there. Whenever he wants attention or an ego boost - you're there. You constantly reinforce with your words and actions and attention "you're SO ALL THAT". And he has that - without interferring with is TV shows or bike rides, and without incurring financial obligation.

Basically, he gets your companionship on his terms...and that's enough.

If you want to see if that really is all there is to it - you make a sexual move on him and follow thru if he's willing. If you two ended up in bed at your instigation...that would mean that he's not adverse to adding sex to your conversations and whatever else you share...but he's not going to "pursue" sex because lots of women think that sex indicates more than just physical gratification. He's willing to indulge and partakein sex...at your request...for your pleasure....at no obligation to him.

But nothing you do is ging to make this guy want to alter his life, his structure, his financial portfolio or his life.......he's got everything he wants with this just how it is.

If you want more than this titillation without gratification - keep on doing what you're doing.\

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:21pm

Some people have no sexual urges whatsoever. He may be that way. You mention that he's had relationships before, do you know for sure that those relationships included sex, or were they more close platonic bonds more like one you have with him?

If you want a good friend, then maybe it's worth spending time with him, but at least take what he tells you at face value. He isn't ever going to be in a real relationship with you other than friendship, and he doesn't want sex. I'd say you should move on and start dating someone else. Keep this guy as a friend if you want to, but expect nothing more than you'd expect from a female friend.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:23pm

If I were in your situation, I'd end the r'ship (unless I was REALLY ok with being strictly platonic friends with him), and move on. My goal is to be in a serious LTR leading to marriage, so why would I continue to see someone who doesn't share my goal?

I would also assume that he had issues with sex and because sex is (to me) a very important part of a r'ship, I'd pass on him for that reason as well.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:05pm

I am the original poster.

Doubleblade,

I am seldom here when he calls as opposed to him who is always there when I call. Today, I have avoided his calls entirely. Also, we live a ditance from each other so when he's here, he stays overnight, in my bed. When I am there, I stay over and one time he initiated sex. We were only able to have oral (although it was to succesful completion for both of us and he seemed to enjoy it as did I). He took care of disrobing the both of us. He holds me when we sleep. It was just the day prior to the oral that he told me we can't be sexual. And I haven't seen him since but he's back to the "no sex" thing. As I said originally, this guy has me completely confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:09pm

Kellyann 25,

He told me that in other relationships, he wasn't able to get sexual at the beginning of the relationship. He also tells me that if the woman started wanting to be called boyfriend and girlfriend, or any small commitment whatsoever, he got out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:27pm

Original poster here again --

Could it be this?

We are at a distance so we just talked on the phone for a longer time span than a usual couple would prior to getting together. During that time, we became EXTREMELY close emotionally to the point of sharing childhood hurts, etc. We also had these great intellectual discussions where we each came away feeling like we learned something from the other.

I am thinking that the emotion and "meeting of the minds" wasn't there in his prior relationships so lacking these components he could be sexual. We have the emotion, the intellectual stimulation from the other and maybe he feels that if we have the sex, he would have the entirety of a woman. And maybe this is more than he can handle in order to stay single and on his bike, in front of his TV, and closed off. He has admitted to me that he is closer to me than any other woman, that he gets along with me better than any other woman, and he loves the way I make him feel as a man.

Incidentally, I am not looking for marriage or any more commitment than boyfriend/girlfriend. He can call me "his girl" and he can call me "a friend" but the compound word, girlfriend, wigs him out. So, what I want is the relationship we have now (calling by how we behave to each other and how close we are and how neither has others, i.e., "boyfriend and girlfriend") and sex. Am I being unreasonable here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:29pm

The guy doesn't have you "confused"....de Nile is NOT just a big river in Egypt.

First, you're stating that this is longdistance. Meaning this is "SO" structured for his terms, pleasure, and agenda.

Becuase you basically "stay there when you go there on business"...and you sleep in the same bed.

And he stays with you - because you want to recprocate his generosity LOL - when he comes to you.

Basically...what neither of you are willing to do is be honest and communicative.

You could start the honestly communicative dialogue. What's evident is that friends with benefits, no dating or romance, no obligation to anything other than physical exclusivity is where you're 'willing' to go. Don't get "confused"...I don't think you want this to end up as FWB...but I wouldn't be too suprprised if you weren't willing to start there and "see where it goes".

In which case have a discussion...I am assuming that you've both got a clean bill of sexual health in terms of HIV/AIDS and incurable STD's. Realize that he has "sexual issues".

He very likely really doesn't like women. Probably has never gotten along with his mother or sisters, and has had very few female friends. As a rule - people that have no positive interaction with the opposite sex in any venue....don't dvelop respect and admiration for that gender at all. They see them as having "all the d*(*/p(*&&y and half the cash" in the world......and deal iwth them from that vantage point.

That often in men causes them to not enjoy sexual intercourse. They don't mind oral - there's alot of visual stimuli in oral.....and they occasionally will give oral although as a rule that'd be less and less often no matter how often you gave oral....but they're not into you a person because they lack the ability to respect and admire you as an individual because of your gender.

So, you're providing a service....that's it.

By you claiming confusion, continuing ot interact, having been sexual with him (only Clinton thought oral was not sex!) without obligation, without being dated, and knowing he doesn't wnat a relationship - what you've told him with your actions despite your words to the contrary is "whatever you want of me, is yours to have, I do not object. I am at your service, to meet your needs, on your terms."

Because you come and go per your own desires for interaction at the base level...but yet you have no desires met in terms of being dated, romanced, desired, or bedded. He, on the other hand is having his desires met...or else he'd pursue more. He's pursuing all this ocntact...as are you...there is nothing stopping either one of you from pursing "more" except one of two things.

One is "lack of desire for more than there is right now" - on either side.

Two is "fear of rejection" - which it is evident that is not in play on his side as in he fears you'd reject dating him - you sleep in his bed, without sex, but with "oral", while continuing to seek interaction while being told "you're a great woman but not what I want".

For a man that odesn't like women...I can't think of a more "stimulating" position than what he has engineered with you. No obligation, no requirement, the option to bed you should he ever desire, the ability to have oral with you should it ever be mutually acceptable, with your unending ardor for his attention, his approval, and his interaction.

If a man oesn't like women...a woman who grovels for his attention proves his point in spades - that women are second class citizens and to be utilized at will without regard or obligation.

I just can't think what it is that you're geting positively out of this "friendship" - given taht your post is filled of what is negative about it. You've talked alot about what you want and can't get, what you want and he doesn't, what you desire and he refuses....but you haven't talked yet about anything that you get from this interaction that is positive, that is taking you towards your goals, and helping you fulfill your potential in life.

In which case...what you've done is taken a pit stop at a water fountain..and you've turned the fountain into an entire waterworks fantasy that you're so enthralled with mentally - that you refuse to see it for what it is and move on.

And you can do that ad infinitum...your best interests, success, and well-being is NOT on hi agenda. If it were - he'd do the right thing, suggest and require a cessation of contact until you've moved on and taken "him" out of your plans for the future in anything but a platonic way. That would be in your best interests...you're not doing it, he's not doing it....and it's not "his" fault that your life is in this position of being stalled out as a result.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:48pm

Okay, got to say something here....basically - what you've said is that if commitment, obligation, or responsibility have ever come into the picture - he's left the scene.

Okay...and then he claims hat he has a problem being "sexual" with women in the beginning.

Well, I bet he does. You see...what he wants to ensure is that beyond precisely what you've got right now - sex is not going to obligate him to anything whatsoever.

And whenever in the past "sex" got involved - the women wanted ot spend the night more frequently, they expected him to go to Thanksgiving dinner with her family, they included him without his consent with impact to his own agenda and schedule - in her events of interest.

Sex did all that...that's NOT that uncommon. Women associate sex with something more than physical gratification as a rule. Men - know it's a lube job.

So...what he wants to be 100% certain is that you have the "rules" down straight. That if you two start having sex..he doesn't want to talk to you anymore than he does right now, he doesn't want to spend more time with you than he does right now, he's not obligated to anything in terms of interests, activities or involvements more than he is right now.

So...he does this titillation thing...which you regard as him being "unsure, and a little nervous, etc. etc. etc."

Basically, he has you at hello - you're wet and ready the second you THINK about his face. Good.....he knows that, it'll be fairly evident.

And that basically means that any time he wants - he COULD have you - if he wants...once he's got you perfectly trained like Pavlov's dog to be aware that you're NOT getting a bowl of food just because the bell rings. HE doesn't mind you salvating and slobbering a little in anticipation...but what he won't have is you crashing the gate, and banging it down to get to the food "him" - just because you've had sex on an occasional or regular basis.

You're just about to the point that he wants you I suspect. That if he says he "might" want something - you have it already anticipated and provide it with a flourish and a smile and just "hoping" for a thank you - maybe, a little token of affirmation of your effort.

I do NOT think this guy is sitting there rubbing his hands, and with his horns glowing, and with his beady eyes all red with glee...at your "confusion and delusion".

I think that you personally are wanting something you can't have, and so you sit there reading into every situation, word, and action what isn't there...that leads you to believe "sometimes" he wants you and sometimes he doesn't, sometimes he wants a relationship - sometimes he doesn't. You're projecting and assuming alot - vs. factual review.

Take a hint from your professional life.....in that aspect you probably at all times have goals and focus, you review ALL the facts before deciding waht to do -and even if it scares or upsets you - if you factually assess the situation in light of your goals and hwat is required is unnerving - you do it...becuase you know if you don't you won't succeed.

I think you took a small break...and you've forgotten to get up off the park bench and walk on.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:49pm

Erin,

It is long distance for my structure. He struggles with the distance. I'm good with it. I have kids in schools here that I am very happy with. I don't go there on business and he doesn't come her on business. We get together for the sole purpose of seeing each other. I don't want to be wined and dined and romanced. I just want in his pants.

He doesn't have sisters (5 brothers) but he lights up when he talks about his mom. He loved her very much and tells me great stories about her that indicate to me that she is deserving of his love and admiration. She died four years ago, as did my own mom.

Insofar as cash is concerned. My net worth is a few hundred thousand more than his. I am an attorney whereby he does not have a post-graduate degree. He does have a very important job though in that if a particular crisis took place, he would be the first person you would see on TV.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:05pm

I have been not taking his calls and not making them myself nor am I responding to his emails for the past few days. The tables might be turning, I just said might, because he is breaking his dialing and typing fingers. Previous to this, our contact has been more at my initiation...mostly due to work. Insofar as my profession is concerned, a woman could be a brain surgeon or involved in any challenging career and get lost in all of this. It's not on an intellectual level...it's all emotion.

Thanksgiving is not mandatory. I have a few relatives in his area that I have visited for lunch while spending the weekend with him. I have never even invited him to come along nor have I vaguely hinted at his attending. He already admits that I'm different than the other women he has been with. I don't apply pressure...other than trying to get into his pants on a regular basis.

Einstein once said that of all that he has ascertained about the universe we live in, there is one thing in this world he would or could never understand. Yep, you guessed it, relationships and women.

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