I really need help!!
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| Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:43pm |
I have this guy in my life and what our relationship is is up for grabs. Please tell me what you think the relationship is and let me know what you would do if you were me. OK?
Yes, he tells me he loves me (sometimes he will say "I love you so much" with obvious passion in his voice), he tells me that he wants me in his life forever, he tells me I'm special, he tells me what wonderful qualities I have and goes on to list them(attractive, hot, sexy and intelligent are on the list), he tells me that he can never have sex with me and can only have a platonic friendship with me.
I know for a fact that he's not gay and he has had brief (6 months max.) relationships with other women in his past. He has never been married and is 40 years old. He lives by himself and he is home every night. He tells me I can call him anytime, I do, and he's usually home when I call when he's not at work. He has always been there late at night and early in the morning.
What does he do? He looks forward to his favorite tv shows, bike rides, exercises, goes to movies by himself.
What is with this guy anyway? He the exact opposite of your typical commitment-phobic. He's right there with the love and emotion but holds back sex. What am I to think and what would you do if you were in my situation? Have you been in my situation?
Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated!
Kate

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I still default to the original position.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, priorities and standards justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.
I think the guy is in his 40's - he's got an entire life structured around what he wants and needs and prioritizes and values. HE gets with you for intellectual stimulation - but he's not wanting a "relationship" of equality and commitment and obligation.
You have no clue what what would involve...or do you not see it from his perspective. It might help to walk a mile in his shoes.
Here's a 40-something year old guy that has no kids, no obligations, he has a high profile job that keeps him in contact with lots of intellectually stimulating people. He's in a glamorous field that keeps him running and on the run. HE has a great life...most people thihnk "at 40 he should WANT to be settling down, having a wife to come home to each night, having kids to raise" -but he doesn't.
Alot of people have a hard time expressing what is a reality - I don't want kids - they're not important to me, and I don't want to raise anybody else's. I don't want obligation - I like options...and the less obligations and commitments I have given that I'm mature, secure, financially independent and highly successfuly in my profession -t he "maximum" options I have.
If you want in his pants...you two are intellectuals and you CAN have a discussion. He has a "hard time with sex at the beginning". Well, that would indicate to me that he has a hard time with sex.....most people at the beginning are as on fire by all this attention and desire they can't hardly make it thru dinner.
Talk about the fact that all you want is to 'get laid on a regular basis by someone that you trust.' You don't want someone who's out there wining and dining, romancing, and bedding everybody that his glamorous life allows him to meet and intermingle with. You want him to have all that in his life, if he finds someone in his travels and diversions that he does want a relationship with - all he has to do is call, you'll understand.
That friendship is really "I want the best for you as YOU determine it to be"..it's not "as it benefits me". And that basis needed to be the foundation on which you two operate - now or whether you add benefits to the package.
And then monitor your own actions, and feelings.......because this is just sex.....it's nothing more. If it is adversion to a "relationship" - and obligation, responsiblity and requirement that he's got....this situation suits him perfectly.
YOu two as you now do will continue to seek one another's ocmpany as time permits, as schedules dictate, as needs allow......and in addition to the stimulating conversations, you'l lhave "sex". Ful blown, hard core, full metal jacket required sex.
You mentioned kids.......well, it would be a wise and prudent move to have those kids NOWHERE in the vicinity when he's around. If he's allergic to commitment and obligation.....anything under 18 screams "obligation, commitment, responsibility, requirement"....and it inhibits you from doing it on the floor, and in the hall, and in the shower, and on the dining room table.
So really, get those kids OUT of his vicinity. That's prudent and intelligent on your part as a mother, also. Those kids - you don't live vicariously thru them..they're not your "be all adn end all" - you've got to let them know that there's "roles you play in life" and there's "positions you hold in life" - but how complete, mature, secure, successful, and self-resopnsible and identified you are at the core determines how well you live up to the obligations, duties, responsibilitie sand receive joy in playing those roles in life.
They need to know that when "Dan" is ocming for the weekend - they're going to stay with somene else. Don't call unless it's an emergency - this is "mother's time to herself". And get it on.....
if you're trying to tell me that this guy comes over, spends the night, has no sex, wakes up to a breakfast table full of kids, and tell syou "we can only be friends" and you're CLUELESS as to what the issue at hand really is- you're clueless period.
He's told you 100% he's "commitmentphobic". That doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings - he does. It means that he indulges ONLY in the feelings of infatuation and desire - but NOT to the point of obligation and commitment. Him coming face to face as your"platonic overnight bed buddy" with kids is letting him know - boy, if we had sex the real potential exists that she'd kiss me in front of them, and they'd start thinking that I owed them nurturing and guidance, adn that I should "be there" for thier hurts and bumps, adn she'd be really expecting me to start wnating all the family life and obligations, and being tied down and committed - and all that is precisely what I do not want.
I like my options, my freedom, my independence, I like the ability witout hurting anbody to indulge in anything I want from hang gliding to sex with someone else....and I like having the freedom I have - and I manage it very responsibly to ensure that I keep it.
I don't have sex with her....she's got kids, she's having me interact with her and those kids - and that is just one hair breadth away from someone calling me daddy and expecting me to be there on Christmas morning - when where I want to be and will be is somewhere else.
Talk to the man reasonably. If you want a booty call relationship, or an FWB situation - realize that is entirely about friendship first - both of you wanting the best for you each as you determine it to be for yourself.....and then both of you getting sexual gratification and release with th eother peson. It's not "forming an emotional bond and attaching to them and perhaps shaping your future". You two are old enough to know it.
Quit acting like this is pretend house playing...get those kids out of your hair when he's around. Let him know that it is all abot you getting some gratification of a physical variety and if he doesn't want to indulge, please don't show up on Friday night because I will be bringing someone home and you'll find me romping all over the place naked with them.
And in case you're wondering...if it is ONLY WITH HIM...that you'd indulge - you want more than sex, everything you do makes him aware of it - and that's why you can't get it.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
HEre's a way that you might be able to glean some insight - without communication. I recommend communication...but..
What a person values as commodities, entities, objects, positions, and possessions in their life...they pursue it. IF they're successful, secure, mature, complete, self-responsible people when they know what would meet thier needs and is within their potential - they pursue it.
I'm 42...and female. If you were to walk NEAR my house - what you'd find is 'racing kayaks". And very tippy, skinny "solo boats".....built to race mega distance. On the walls you'd see pictures of me in competition a little bit - but mostly you'd see my training and racing partners in all sorts of competition, and poses of rest and repose and enjoyment. You'd see the living is spare...but that all is of quality. And what is evident is that I prioritize "freedom". I manage my money so that I am always able to race the big events of my choice..and I dedicate outside my working life which is NOT a priority except to pay the bills....about 5 hours a day to training in a variety of sports.
I had a very insightful male friend tell me once...who watched me become the person I am, not just the athlete I am now........from an insecure, codependent, terrified, addictive personality person......to the confident, secure, mature, aggressive, objective, and successful woman I am now......that "you are so solo". I asked how he deduced that, as nothing in my upbringing, in my span of 17 to 35 which included four marriages but never a solid 6 month period without a livin relationship that resulted in marriage to conclude "I am so solo, at heart".
His answer was profound. "Look around you. What is here, solo boats and kayaks. What is there enough space for to live here - just you (and the cat). What have you structured your lfie around "solo races" not team events, and what you have pursued with diligence, without remorse, regret, envy or fear - being the greatest solo woman kayaker in the US for ultra-distance. You spent literally hours alone in training, and you desire those long solo miles. YOu've never regretted one second that most of us would have given anything to find a distraction to avoid. You're so solo, no wonder that the idea that you had to be married, and with someone almost killed you with addictions and with failed relationships. You're not meant for it. YOu've learned to apply your traits as assets, you accept others objectively for who they are - but from the position in life that who they are is never going to limit you becoming waht you want to be. YOu're so solo....and in becoming this solo, you're so not alone, or lonely or scared. The person I met was nothing like you are now. So in need of reassurance, alliance, acceptance, guidance...you asked me for everything and if what you were doing was okay. Thank God those days are over...and you're busy leading the pack and kicking my ass on that race course. But you're solo honey, thank God you accepted it. If you hadn't it surely would have killed you, it dang near did as it was."
So you look around at his life.....because what he has put in his life, what he's prioritized to achieve without regret or remorse, what he seeks no change in overall and pervasively...that is "who he is"...and that meets his needs...which allows him to enjoy what he has with you for what it is and not try to make it into what it's not.
Does that make any sense?
If you don't share the same "lifestyle" - there is little likelihood that fundamentally ou "value" the same aspects in life, or elements of life. Which is what keeps you apart - he's smart enough to see that what he values he can't 'get back' if he leaves it behind.
success is like a wave - it never ends - you ride it to somewhere and you never quit "catching a wave". HE can't step off the ave that he's on - that thrills and challenges him, that meets his needs, that inspires his self-image in his own mind's eye......to do that and become "average" to become like everybody else and want what they want and have waht they have - to him it would cause nothing but regret, remorse, frustration, resentment, anger and fear.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Um, no, you're not being *unreasonable* but you're being totally *unrealistic* if you want the r'ship you describe with HIM!
He doesn't want that...what part of that don't you understand? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be flip, but he's made himself clear. The "why" doesn't matter...he doesn't want that.
Sheri
He has met my kids for a sum total of 1 and a half hours, at his request. They are with their father for the weekend when he comes here which is also when I go to his place. They're not babies either. One is in high school and the other in middle school. And even though they are not babies, I don't feel comfortable leaving them for the weekend which is why I visit him when they are with their dad.
On the one occasion that he did meet them, my one daughter said, "Mom, where are your manners? Bob doesn't have anything to drink. Can I offer you something?" My other daughter said, "Bob, I'm pleased to finally meet you. We've spoken on the phone." Shortly thereafter, their father picked them up for the weekend. So, he gets compliments and service from my kids. I hope he hasn't a problem with that!
Insofar as wanting more from him...we already have told each other that we love each other and he has absolutely no problem with saying or hearing those words. We have already been close emotionally to his crying to me over a health scare he had. He has absolutely no problems with the emotions. It's the physical that he shies from. I am wondering if my 16 year marriage to my ex has him spooked about me and long-term obligation. I have not come out and said that all I want is the sex...the release and physical pleasure. I doubt he would believe me because he calls me an angel and a saint.
I could use a guy's input. How does a guy manage to get a girl into bed? I was off the market for a long time due to marriage so maybe I'm out of it. If a guy is reading this, what do you think?
iuheather2005,
You make me laugh and you are probably more right than anybody here, myself included. Thanks for the laugh. I needed it.
But, is he my friend? Why does he tell me no sex to then go on to have sex with me? Why does he tell me he doesn't want long term and then tell me he wants me in his life forever? Why does he tell me he doesn't want a romantic relationship and then say, "Oh God, I love you so much!? (And no, that wasn't in a sexual situation. It was over the phone.) It's the mixed messages I have a problem with. Which ones do I believe? You say he has been clear. In my view, contrasting words and behaviors, he has been as clear as mud.
The problem with mixed messages is that you may choose the wrong side to believe... By sending mixed messages, he will take no responsibility in stringing you along. When you have finally had your heart broken and are in tears, he will stand there and tell you something to the effect of "I told you I wanted nothing..."
As for the sex part, I thought you said you only had oral with him? Oral is not the same as having sex.
I think the major thing here is that there are signs that for some reason you are willing to ignore. He has stated what he wants, he has stated what this will *not* turn into and he has told you how things go with him when he gets too close. If you want to ignore everything he has stated, his whole history of dating and press forward, choosing whatever side of the mixed message you like the best, that's fine. Just be willing to accept the possible consequences of being left holding the bag or getting your heart broken.
A person who wants to be with you will make it clear. Would you want to be best friends with someone who told you they have no friends and will run when someone uses the word "friend" yet kept coming around you for their own fullfillment, not worrying about yours? Seems a bit one sided to me...
Hope this helps. Good luck!
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