I really want him back

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
I really want him back
6
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 2:10am
I've been with my boyfriend for about 17 months. Those 17 months were the happiest days of my and his life. The worst thing that ever happened in the relationship, was sex. He slowly began to only care about sex. Everything had to be put on hold, sex came first. I loved him so much, so I didn't care. I guess things got worse and he started to change. In what way I do not know. All I know is that he began to have likings for other girls --which I think is normal and always told myself ruin this perfect relationship. One day, he just told me, after a perfect day, that we needed a break. I was so shocked. We patched it up the next day, but it just got worse and we eventually broke up. I realized he found a girlfriend already and probably before we even broke up. I was so hurt. I realized other hurtful things he did after the breakup too (like giving another girl a rose on Valentines day before we broke up). After the breakup we were close friends: we still talked on the phone, still went to his house, and still had sex. But when I ask him if he wants to get back together, he declines. He doesn't even want his friends to see us walking together or talking or anything. But whenever i'm at his house, it's just like old times, nohting is different. He still kisses me, hugs me and he still has his display of the gifts i've given him in his bedroom. Even after almost half a year I still love him so much and feel that I really need him. I've tried moving on, I really have, but it is always such an on and off feeling that i've moved on. I know everyone says that I should ditch him and move on, but I don't want to and I know that I will regret throwing away something so meaningful to me. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:30am
okay..............of course we will tell you to move on...he's USING you!! But, you stated that "you don't want to move on", why are you here? You've already made up yor mind to accept this and continue it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 11:16pm
but i don't know how to. i don't know how to show him i still care about him, and that i need him, and how to make him change his mind be with me again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 11:31am
Hi,

I understand your confusion because he broke up with you to see another girl and still comes around to see you but not in front of his friends. You still have sex and he displays in his bedroom items that you got him. I hate to tell you this but he isn't taking you out in public because he probably doesn't want the other girl to know. Everything is normal between you when you are at his house because he feels free to do whatever as he won't get caught inside his house. He may have things you gave him out because he wants them, maybe they fit his decor or maybe because he wants to give you that sense of security by showing you the things you gave him are in his room and he thinks of you often. I honestly believe this guy will not take you back as a girlfriend because you are still providing him with sex in his house even when the committment part of the relationship is over. This happens many times... guys dump the girlfriends but still come around for the sex without the obligations. What a perfect world for them! I know it's going to be hard but you really do need to cut him off completely because things won't change and soon (if not already) you are going to start feeling used. What good is that? Please don't go to his house and have sex with him, he will continue to do this so long as you let him... things won't change, why would they, he's getting all the perks of a relationship without the obligations. If he changes his mind, it won't be until you deny him what he wants, not while he's getting it. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 3:32pm
Hello hambau!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 4:59pm
Sweetie, you have the answer...move on. You fell in love with him but he was in for sex and still is. Don't allow this situation to continue. He's not willing to go back because all what he wants from you is sex and he had it before and he has it now, so why get back together? This man is not a trusting person. Perhaps during the 17 months you dated he was flirting/cheating all along. You chose to give the blind eye because you said you loved him. Sometimes, life is hard and lessons are tough.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 5:40pm
hi hambau.

first, let me tell you that i have been exactly where you are. of course the circumstances were different, but the core of it is the same.

ask yourself some things - are you getting as much out of this relationship that you are putting into it? is this relationship what you "need" or is it that you feel it's all you deserve? why are you settling for a subpar relationship when you clearly want more?

don't wait for him to change. he won't. don't wait for him to realize how special what you two have is. he won't. don't expect him to leave his current girlfriend for you. he won't... why would he? he's getting everything he wants from you already.

*if i sound harsh, i apologize. i don't mean to be... i just want to be honest with you.

you've essentially given this guy the perfect scenario: all the benefits of having a girlfriend (sex, company, conversation, gifts) without having to give anything - especially commitment - back to you. PLUS, according to what you've said, there are probably other women who are in the SAME situation you are.

please know that you deserve so much better than that. you know the way you feel during your "good times" at his place? imagine having that feeling IN ADDITION to having someone who cares for you, loves you, cherishes you, is honest with you and respects you. that would be ideal, hon. THAT is what you need. not this guy.

best of luck. :)

BM