I said ILY first - need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
I said ILY first - need advice!
7
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:42pm

How can you tell if your man is not in love with you?

Ive been dating my BF for close to two years now and still no ILY yet.
I made a HUGE MISTAKE...make that two...I said ILY first. Ive said it to him twice. the first time was after we had been dating for about 6 months and he didnt respond. Ouch. The second time which was months later he just said that he wasnt sure how he felt - that he didnt think he was "there yet". second and worse Ouch but I still had hope in that little "yet" part. (And I was happy that he was honest about it. thats one thing I always did like about him)

So its been a long time since then and I havnt brought it up again - just waiting and waiting...and waiting. I feel like such an idiot for bringing it up in the first place...Im not the type to normally do that but I thought that I should express how I felt and be honest about it. I didnt care at first that he didnt reciprocate my feelings because it was more about expressing it rather than expecting him to say it back.

Anyway, He talks about the future (a future with us together) but hasnt said anything about how he feels about me except that he really cares about me. Other than this love issue which seems to gnaw at the back of my head(I try to ignore it), things are great. Hes a really sweet guy and im really glad that hes in my life and I know that hes really glad that Im in his. Hes the type that has no problem saying how he feels - hes very open whereas I tend to keep things inside.(It was a huge leap for me to tell him how I felt)

His not saying anything since all that leads me to believe that after all this time he still either doesnt know or just plain isnt in love with me. It makes sense for people not to know when they are still in the beginning stages of a relationship but we have been together for a long period of time and really know eachother...all the good and bad and juicy details haha. We are eachothers best friends. He obviously loves me as a person I just dont know if he is "in love" with me.

Im beginning to lose hope in the love aspect of our relationship. I dont think I can deal with the insecurity of not knowing. Even though I didnt care at first, I think that as more time goes by I feel more crushed and hurt about it. I dont know if I should talk to him about it or not. I guess I just dont want to be hurt even more by another "i dont know yet." esp. after this long. Also I dont want to pressure him or make him feel like he has to say it...if he is in love with me id rather him say it on his own terms and at the right time for him and because its something coming from his heart. I guess thats why I keep waiting; that and the fact that I love him so much. This waiting is getting really hard though - I have no idea what I should do. Sorry this post is all over the place. Hope it makes sense. Any advice is appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 9:51pm

How long are you willing to wait? If you have been with him for 2 years why can't you have a conversation with him in regards to how he feels? You need him to understand that you are in love with him and need to know how the future looks. You deserve to know so you can exit the relationship if it's clear that he isn't in love with you. Do you want to be with someone that isn't in love with you?

F

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:01pm

zyzx32...

2 Years together without an ILY on his side???? PG's solution in 2 words:

"DUMP HIM!"

The rest of what he tells you amount to nothing more than C-R-A-P!

So stop feeling 'crushed, hurt and disappointed'----and instead----find yourself a man who isn't afraid to tell you how SPECIAL you are.

Most of the ones that really mean it say: I LOVE YOU quite frequently!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 12:25pm
You did not make a huge mistake. You in fact did yourself a favour. You found out "he's not there yet", sooner rather than later. Do you want to wait around for another couple of years hoping the "yet" will bring hope. Like PG says, the talk about the future is just a bunch of sugar coated fluff. How could he possibly see you in his future, when "he's not there yet?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 2:08pm
Well, I don’t think that it is absolutely necessary to say the three little words, love can be expressed in other ways. My boyfriend of almost 2 years (on and off a few times) has not told me he loves me and I don’t find it a huge issue to be honest. I have told him I love him (okay, not face to face, which might be why he hasn’t said it either) and he has not said anything. There are other ways to express love. HOWEVER, him saying that he “isn’t there yet” is a clear red flag in my opinion. I feel that if he doesn’t feel the love now, it probably isn’t going to come. Maybe you need to sit down with him and discuss it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 4:39pm
Thanks...I appreciate all your responses. What I really needed to know is whether or not I should bring it up again and discuss the matter with him. I clearly do! Thank you again. It has me thinking even more and what y'all said makes a lot of sense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:38pm
yes. I agree that love can be expressed in other ways. Some people are just shy about saying those 3 little words. I was talking more about his reaction to her saying ILY. He felt cornered when she said ILY and he put her off by saying he wasn't there "yet". The "yet" is giving her a false sense of hope, while he can carry on having a gf with all the benefits and no commitment on his part.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 11:41pm
Well, you could have a discussion with him, but I think you have your answer already. If you do bring up the issue, he could spew some sugar coated fluff (enough to give one diabetes), telling you what he thinks you want to hear. If you fall for the fluff, he could string you along for another two years. Can you see a future with a guy like that?

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