I screwed up bad...need help...desperate

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
I screwed up bad...need help...desperate
3
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:39pm

Hey everyone. I really need help, desperately, and fast. Some of you may remember my previous posts on here...about a guy I have been dating for a little over three months now. Well, as of last week, we are now officially "exclusive" and he told me he "liked me a lot".... Basically, things were going great...very well between us.

Fast forward to last night...him, me, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and his friend all went to a concert. The concert was a lot of fun, and we all got pretty tipsy. Well, his brothers friend, James, is a VERY outgoing, loud, funny, fun, friendly, pretty flirty guy that many girls find physically attractive. What is NOT attractive about him is the fact that he is married and cheats on his wife often. This is a horrible factor about him and all of his friends (especially my guy) feel this way. They do not agree with his lifestyle, and I have made it clear in the past to my guy that I feel the same way.
Well, after the concert, we all go to a bar and my guy is acting very distant and quiet. I knew something was wrong, so I asked him what was wrong. He replied "Nothing...You're just acting really weird tonight, but we'll talk about it later"...So, later on, we get home and we are both still pretty tipsy. I ask him what was wrong. He said:
"You were just acting really weird all night...not yourself...I wasn't feeling the love at all tonight (BTW, we have NOT said "i love you" to eachother yet)...I just wasn't feeling it" and I asked why, what happened...and he said that nothing happened, he just felt that I was focusing more on his friend James than him...he said that he felt that I was pretty much ignoring him the whole night and instead "being very friendly" with James...Basically, James was the loudest, funniest guy in the group and he was also the 5th wheel out of all of us, and so I was just being friendly back to him and trying to make him feel comfortable, and not left out in any way. I explained to my guy that I have absolutely NO attraction to James WHATSOEVER, and I also apoligized MULTIPLE times for making him feel the way he did. I told him that I definitely didnt' realize that I was acting that way, or "flirting" and that I was very sorry.
He felt that in the car ride to and from the concert (James,me, and my guy were all sitting in the back seat with me in the middle) that I was sitting MUCH closer to James and kind of staying away from him, and also at the concert James had to go to the bathroom a lot, as did I, and so I went with him a few times, and my boyfriend didnt come. I didn't ask him to come with me, because I didn't want to put him out and make him miss part of the concert b/c I had to go to the bathroom. I felt that since both James and I both had to go, it was convenient. I wasn't trying to be alone w/ james or flirt or spend more time w/ him or anything like that. I honestly have NO feelings/attraction for james, and am in fact falling madly in love with my boyfriend. I was just being "TOO" friendly I guess. THEN, I guess the last straw for my guy was when we were all leaving the concert, my guy and I were walking in the back of our group and holding hands, then we stopped holding hands and he claimed that I "hurried to catch up with James", although I truly did not feel like/realize I was doing this AT ALL. I guess maybe I was just trying to stay with the group? i don't know! I honestly don't know. I did NOT intend for him to feel this way at ALL. Then, James was taking off his paper beer band (those paper bands they put on your wrists at concerts and such when you are over 21) and I asked him to take off mine as well, if possible, because I was having trouble taking it off. I asked James because simply he was taking his off at the time and I was right beside him, walking. He accidently broke my bracelet when he was taking it off, and then he told my guy "I just broke your girls bracelet man...You should have taken it off for her! Sorry" and my guy didn't say anything at all, or even look really like he cared much. He looked pretty upset, really. So in the car ride home, my guy said that he could have taken the wrist band off for me, and that I should have asked him to take it off. I said "yeah, i should have asked you, and you wouldnt have broken my bracelet, huh?" playfully, and he said "no, because I care about you...sometimes" ....
Anyway, back to the end of the night, after he told me what was wrong, he said he was going to bed (I usually spend the night), and that I could do whatever. I asked him if he wanted me to leave, and he said he didn't care, and I said "why?" and he said "just stay" in kind of a frustrated voice. Other than that little frustration expression, he was quite eerily calm, which made it worse. He said that there was really nothing more to say about the whole thing, so the subject was over for him. Then he put the blanket over his head. At this point, I was completely freaking out and wanted reassurance that everything would be okay. I felt HORRIBLE about acting the way I did (and not really realizing how it made him feel) and verbalized this to him. I asked him if this would change things between us now, and he asked "well, should it?" and I replied "No, I hope not" and he didn't say anything back. Then I asked him if he could ever move past this, and forgive me, and he said that he'd "Probably be able to" then I asked him if there was anything I could do to help things, and he said he couldn't think of anything. So then I decide to try and hold his hand while we are laying in the bed...he holds my hand back, so then I try kissing him and one thing leads to another and we start having sex.

After sex, I ask him if everything is going to be alright between us and he asks again "should it?" and I said "yes, I hope so" and then he said he believes me that I wasn't flirting, that it was a learning experience and now he knows how I act around guys...I tell him that I don't act that way around guys really, and he said "then only this one?" and I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything to that. Then he said that I will just know next time to pay more attention to him when we are with others, and to not ignore him like I apparently did. I was kind of grasping at straws, so I said that maybe, unconciously, I don't want him to know how much I like him, so I try not to depend too much on him and try not to be obsessively connected to his hip when we are in public, and maybe that came off as me ignoring him and paying more attention to his friend. He said that this didn't make sense at all. I told him that I hoped he knew that I liked him, and he said that I never told him...he said that I never complimented him and that he told me I am good-looking all the time, but that he never hears this from me...I know I compliment him a lot on his personality/smarts,etc, but I should probably focus more on his looks sometimes, obviously. He sounded really bitter about this. He asked "when is the last time you complimented me?" I felt horrible, but I know I told him he was smart earlier that night, and reminded him of this, but he said that he never got complimented from me on his looks. I then told him that I thought he was very good-looking.
He asked if I could see where he was coming from. I said that yes, in hindsight, I can see his point of view, but that I did not intend for him to feel that way at all...and that I was NOT trying to flirt or anything like that. But I told him that I validated his feelings and could see his point of view.
NOW, I spend the night last night...and this morning he was still somewhat distant...when we first woke up, I asked him if he was still upset about it all, and he shrugged his shoulders and said that he'd "get over it"...Then I apoligized for the LAST time and once again said that I did not intend for him to feel that way. I also told him that I did NOT sleep well that night b/c I was so worried/feeling bad about this whole thing. He didn't say anything to this.
When I left, he gave me a hug like normal, but did not kiss me (although we do not ALWAYS kiss when we part) and then said, after I looked at him expectantly, that he'd "call me later, or I could call him"....and that was that.

I haven't heard from him yet...and don't know if I will today....OR ever for that matter???? I still feel really bad and am SO nervous. I truly hope that I did not screw up this GREAT, budding relationship because of one night, one screw up that I did not even intend to happen! I have been beating myself up over this all day...I feel so horrible. My question is, do you think he will want to see me again, or is he probably "done" with our relationship? Should I call him first, or wait for him to call me next? Did I truly cross the line, and would most guys dump me for this? I just want some advice on what to do, and if there is ANYTHING I can possible do to make this all better! I am SICK at the thought that this relationship could possibly be ruined over this! HELP PLEASE! Thanks so much in advance!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:57pm

I have not been in your position. However, one suggestion that I do have is if you are ever in this situation again, try to make the 5th wheel feel comfortable together with your SO, as a couple. And rely on your SO for things like arm band removals and trips to the bathroom.

On the one side, all of you had been drinking so sometimes people are not as mindful of someone's feelings when they are buzzed compared to when they are sober. Yet, on the other side, your feelings for your SO should have been a little more pronounced if you were buzzed. Alcohol has a way of highlighting someone's underlying feelings at the moment.

Is your SO less attractive than James?

Your SO needs to feel wanted and desired. Who doesn't? He probably felt that the attention you paid to James should have been for him. I can't say I blame him. He probably felt humiliated in front of his brother.

He's probably going to want you to extend yourself for a little while longer. So, I would just call him to see what he is doing and how he is feeling. Just tell him the truth - that you are sick inside thinking you might lose him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 11:16am

If he decides things are over because of this, let him go. He sounds like a master manipulator. He wants you to fawn all over him and make things right when there was nothing really wrong in the first place apart from how he felt about himself.

You are not responsible for his feelings. I know you feel that way and he certainly made that point to you, but that is his issue and his only. Maybe he was feeling insecure around James, whether or not you paid attention to him, but it was safer for him to take his anger out on you.

Had you humped the guy at the concert, or went home with him, that would certainly have been an issue.

Even if you got past this and your relationship continued, something like this will come up again. He'll get upset, you'll tap dance to try to make him feel better, he'll continue to act distant and hurt and try to make you see his side of things (while making no attempt to see your side, in case you did not notice). Is that what you want? Do you want to walk on eggshells when you're with this guy?

I've been in this type of scenario twice, and it was hard not to think that I screwed up, but at some point I learned that there are much bigger issues to be worried about than someone's insecurities and hurt wittle feewings. I let the guys go. It sucked, but I'm much better off, and with someone who is much more mature.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2007
Sun, 07-22-2007 - 9:55pm

I agree with amberlotus, it sounds like he's trying to milk this situation and make you feel bad for as long as possible. I've been on both ends of this stick, and yes insecurities are a pain, but you apologized, you explained yourself. You can't tippy toe around him for days to make sure he's not upset with you. And if he's going to be upset with you for days, even after you've apologized, then I say let him go. This could be a telling sign that he needs constant reassurance that you are with HIM, that he wants all your attention. So you need to ask yourself if you are ok with that before you take this relationship to the next level.

My b/f and I love and trust each other. When we go out together, we can separate, talking to different people (like we did last night) and there is no questions at all about our intentions. I was talking to a bunch of his guy friends for the longest time and he never once said anything about it. But again, that's his personality and he's not insecure about our relationship. He always asks if I've gotten hit on, which happens when I'm not out with him. I tell him but it's always in a joking manner because it's usually guys who are trashy drunk. He may be a little jealous inside but he never once says "Don't talk to guys while you are out" or "Don't go out with your girlfriends." He knows I love him and only want to be with him and would NEVER do anything to comprise what we have together.

I think the next time you talk to him, which i think you should call him cause it sounds like he may not, I would not even bring it up again and act like everything is fine. You continually asking "is everything ok with us?" keeps bringing up the old issue. He's explained himself, you've apologized, now it's time to move on. If he's still acting distant and hurt, then it's time to ask yourself if this is something you want to deal with, cause it sounds like he may do this again.

Stacey

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