I shouldn't call, should I?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I shouldn't call, should I?
7
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:33pm
I'm sad. I am posting because my stomach is racing and I really want to call this guy but I know I shouldn't. I guess I just need some support because I can't stop thinking about him! Well, I've only been out with him twice after talking on the phone for a couple months. We slept togehter on the 2nd date, but we are in our 30's and I feel like everything is at an accelarted pace at this age. The sex was great and I actually think I might like him...which I haven't felt in a long time, from his words, he sounded like he liked me too...so far. He flaked on me the other night when we had planned to do something casual, and at that point, I got really sad and thought he wouldn't call me again...you know the typical emotions after you sleep with some one. But then the next night, he sent me a text msg at 9pm. The next day, I text msg'd him back, because I was already feeling dissed(I didn't want to call)...and then I haven't heard from him in 2 days. I keep hoping he calls or asks me to meet up again because I did feel a connection. I wish I could just know what's going on in his head. I mean, why would he keep contacting me if he didn't like me? Would it be fair to say that it is not my turn to call him? I really want to just ask him to meet up, but I am sick of doing all the work and being the agressor, then feeling like I can never tell if if they really like me or not. Do any guys like to be pursued?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 6:52pm

No, I wouldn't call. The ball is definitely in his court, and as you say, if you are always the initiator, you won't be able to accurately gauge his interest level.

And FWIW, I'm 46 and if anything, these days I wait a LOT longer than I used to to sleep with a new guy! So, I don't agree that things are accelerated because of age. I do think, though, that talking on the phone for so long gave you a false sense of intimacy and the false impression that you "knew" this guy. Why did you wait so long to meet? Not that it matters now, I'm just curious. Is it possible there's someone else in the picture on his end and that's why it took so long?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:01pm

maybe my life is just at an accelerated pace! Anyhow, I feel in my gut that it wouldn't have mattered to wait for the sex either way, but maybe that's the false sense you referred to. We waited so long to go out because we kept playing phone tag and we weren't available at the same times. I guess the truth is...he never really "asked me out", so maybe that's why i am wondering if he just wants me to ask him. I don't think he has someone else waiting in the wings because he said he really hadn't "hooked up" in 4 months. I don't want to make any excuses for him< I'm just wondering what the heck goes on in guys minds...I was thinking mabye he's not looking for a relationship, but isn't it human nature to want a companion?

as long as I just know I shouldn't call, I won't... thank you :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:04pm

He said he hadn't hooked up with anyone in 4 months...and you have what basis for knowing that he's a truthful person at this point? You haven't spent anywhere NEAR enough time with him to have any idea what he's like in that respect.

How on earth did you go so long before meeting and NOT at least find out what type of relationship he's looking for??? That's one of the first questions I ask prospective dates. Of course, I'm asking in general, not what he's looking for with ME.

And do you really want to be with a man who's so passive and/or unenthusiastic about you that he can't ask you out???

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:43pm
Not to be too harsh, but I think it is more likely he didn't ask you out because 1) you were doing all the work and it let him be pretty lazy and 2) he's just not enough into you to pursue it really hard. Guys might say they like it when women ask them out or do the pursuing, but in my experience, deep down they really don't and if they are into you, they will pursue you and ask you out. Don't you want someone that really wants to be with you and will make the effort to ask you out instead of you having to do all the work? If you don't want that, you should because you deserve it. Good luck!

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 8:41am
I would not call him, just wait and see what happens. I often find that men are more interested when I am not constantly calling them and being the aggressor. Just let him come to you and you will get a better picture of what he is like and whether he sees something with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 12:11pm
I agree with the others. I think he wasn't that interested but like most men, when sex is offered them on a plate, they won't refuse it. And no, it is NOT human nature to want a companion since many guys are happy being single and screwing around. They don't need to settle down since there is a constant large pool of single women out there looking and so of course they take advantage of it. As the others say, although it's not a foolproof way, the best thing is to let the guy do the chasing and to hold off having sex until you feel reasonably confident that he is not just after sex. Although some men, as I have sadly experienced, will chase and make promises until they have sex and then disappear, they are more likely to do this on the phone when there is less energy and effort spent on their part. If a guy actually dates a woman for some time before sex, then there is much more chance that he is not just wanting that and nothing else.
Avatar for mdee68
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:11pm

No, not every guy wants a companion whe he can get free sex anytime he wants it. I think you can pretty much nip this one in the bud and forget about it.

I'm not judging you at all but lots of women make that mistake that you made. Jumping in the bed too soon before getting to know a guy and then wondering why he hasn't called. He's probably moved on to someone else who is all too willing to do the same thing.

Do not pursue him, you'll come across as desperate. If you don't hear from him again, chalk it off as a learning experience. Many guys will not take a woman seriously that he can get into bed quickly. They usually lose interest. Men love a challenge.