I slapped him - very long post, sorry
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| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:55am |
Please bear with my long post, I want to be clear about why I did this.
My exbf often gets himself worked up about things and then blows up at me later... He's driven erratically when angry before and he knew it was a huge problem for me - I get very nervous when stuck in a moving car with a man who's angry - it scares me. I was very clear about this when it happened the first time.
Let me say first that I was not in the best frame of mind on valentine's day because I had a horrendously emotional day with my mom who is dying... he knew this... he knew I just wanted and needed a nice time out.
We had my dog in the car after exchanging valentine's day gifts and in heavy traffic driving 80+ mph I started getting nervous and kept asking him to slow down and be careful. He didn't. I asked again and again and told him I was nervous and getting scared and he didn't. One car flew past us, I saw a truck veer out of its lane, and my bf was driving with one hand and not always staying in his lane. At one point he accelerated to 90 mph to pass another vehicle and I could feel my adrenaline and panic. I sat there so worried that we'd crash and die... all I wanted was for him to slow down. I don't know why he didn't slow down and drive more carefully. Was I a nag? I don't know... I was getting very freaked out by the whole thing situation. I didn't understand why he couldn't just slow down.
I started asking more insistently that he slow down and he snapped at me for telling him how to drive and we spent the rest of the 80+ mph drive in silence until our exit.
Once we got off our exit and were on back industrial roads where we drove much slower, I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quiet and he started in on me - criticizing our relationship, etc. All the while he's doing this he was still driving and getting more and more angry and bitter...
He went from telling me how much he loves me to telling me how awful he thinks our relationship is and how uncomfortable he is and confused and he started giving me ALL kinds of examples as to what's wrong with me and why he's so disappointed that I'm not what he wants afterall. It went on and on and on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He essentially was working himself up into a jealous rage.
Now all this was fine with me... I have enough emotional stuff going on and if he wanted to stop seeing me - fine. My issue is that he kept driving and getting more angry and being erratic. He was hitting the wheel, spewing out more and more of his "honest" opinions of me... all negative. Some accusing questions about my past, some pleas of love for me, some just plain mean.
I literally had to keep asking him to please calm down and I finally just started bawling my eyes out from the stress of being trapped in the car with him after the terrifying drive there and the idea of driving back when he was even worse off emotionally was not an option for me. I didn't have my cell phone with me that night, either, so I felt stranded.
Then something was said (i don't even remember who said it) and he flipped out. Started gunning the engine and yelling at me that he was taking me home and that was the end of it.
Fine, I said, but you're not getting me back on the highway with you when you're this pissed off and worked up - it's not safe. Please stop the car.
The following happened in the span of a few seconds...
Even though we were only going 30mph and no other cars were around (it was in a dark, industrial area, he refused to calm down or stop the car. I finally lost it and started yelling at him to stop driving and when I tried to take the wheel and get us over to the side, he pushed me away and screamed at me to never touch the wheel and he kept driving - intent on getting back on the highway. My dog was shaking and I was damn near hysterical, no kidding. My stress levels went through the freakin' roof and there was no logic or reason I could use to get him to stop his tirade.
So while he was trying to push me off and continue driving, I slapped him and told him to "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again."
By this point, his "issues" with his work stress and school stress and "inability of me to be the woman he wants stress" became secondary -- all I cared about was that we not get on a highway to drive 80 mph again when I knew he was emotionally out of control.
I hit him real hard and he called me a f-ing b*tch and to never hit him ever again. I told him I was sorry to have hit him and that I would again if I ever felt he was unnecessarily putting my life in danger - and the life of my pet... and his, etc.
He was still intent on driving but I wouldn't let go of the wheel.
Then we pulled over and we sat in the car and I listened to him ask me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. He asked me why I wanted him. He told me I didn't act like I wanted to be with him on valentine's day and that I should prove to him that I wanted to. He continued with some of his personal insults... then he calmed down and after a while he drove me home.
We broke up after this...
Girls, I couldn't allow myself to get back on the highway again, I just couldn't. He had already scared the bejesus out of me.
He KNEW I was scared and he wouldn't listen - it was like he reveled in me being panicked.
He knows that I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control.
What would you have done? What could I have done besides slapping him?
I don't believe I regret hitting him. I can honestly say as a woman alone with an angry man that I was going to do anything to avoid that 80+mph insanity again.
I felt he would have put my safety in jeopardy had he driven and I have too many people who need me and love me for me to let that happen. It was like I was driven by pure survival instincts. The whole time with him was totally insane.
Thank you for reading.

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Wow, all I can say is, it's a good thing he is your EX!
I'm just glad he didn't hit you back...you slapping him could have easily escalated the situation rather than de-escalating it.
I think the original poster screwed up in many ways. First, she probably knew he drove this way. Second, she didn't mention drinking, but if he'd been drinking, she shouldn't get in the car with him. Third, in all those industrial areas and city streets he didn't come up to a red light or stop sign? Fourth, she probably would have had much more success and less drama if she'd just asked him to pull over somewhere with a bathroom, or if she'd asked for food. Instead, it became a hysterical woman in the midst of what sounds like a panic attack. SHE became the primary danger to both of them when she grabbed the wheel.
Fifth, I'm sure if she'd called 911, the local police would have made him pull over. Actually, he probably would have pulled over long before her call to 911 was completed.
Sixth, when she hit him she was not only violent and stupid, she was probably committing a crime. Had an accident resulted from the slapping or grabbing the wheel, she probably would have been the one arrested.
Seventh, doesn't she know better than to start an intense argument or relationship discussion while driving? That's impatient and dangerous.
When I listened to the original poster's description, it didn't sound very dangerous, at least not before her hysterics. I drive 75-80 in traffic with my GF in the car. That's often the typical speed. She also said "one car flew past us". I guess that her bf wasn't going much faster than traffic. The truck veering out of it's lane doesn't appear to have anything to do with her BF's driving.
It's later when she starts her second session of complaining, in light traffic at 30 mph. I find the statement "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again" to be quite odd. He wasn't about to kill everyone, maybe she was about to kill people, but he wasn't.
Her statements get even stranger. "I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control". That statement registers 110% on the Hypocracy Meter. Who lost control?
She totally and utterly freaked out. She could have handled it better in any of a variety of ways. If she hadn't freaked out, the story would have been "My BF drove faster than I wanted and I was afraid. Then we arrived safely."
My recommendations for the poster: 1. Stay broken up with this guy. 2. Don't date any guy until you decide to get some therapy for your panic disorder, or whatever it is.
My recommendations for any guy who sees behavior like this from a woman: 1. Stop. 2. Get her out of your car. 3. Call a cab for her if she doesn't have a cellphone. Paying for her cab is optional. 4. Do NOT ever go out with her again, regardless of what she says or how good the sex was.
I've read all the responses (heck, even read what my friend had to say on her board... she had good intentions, I guess) and I want to thank those of you who understand the deeper level of what I was feeling. I knew some people here would understand.
Deena and Erin, the words you expressed and the way you said them were extraordinarily insightful, they were feelings I wasn't quite able to articulate beyond what I said. Thank you.
Originally I was planning to write more about how it happenened, how I feel, but there's no point. I know what happened and it will be a lesson learned.
This experience tapped into something very primal in me and I won't give it any more thought or concern beyond this. I did what I did, I'd probably do it again given the same situation, and I will never be with a person who does not have a basic care for my well-being.
He pushed me beyond my limits. He knew what he was doing and he refused to stop. Coupled with being stuck in the car it was too much.
No way will I ever tolerate anyone in my life who elicits such a response from me.
Thank you much for your feedback. Live and learn...
Sheri, thank you for understanding that there was something deeper happening than it may appear to some on the surface.
To the others, I completely understand what happened and what I did and why and I have no regrets. I sure coulda handled some things differently but I am a reasonable person. I didn't just "wig out" as some imply. My mental and physical boundaries were violated.
He knew it was happening because I was telling him so and he knew I was starting to panic when I thought he was going to get back onto the highway because I told him so. Our relationship to me was over when I realized he didn't give a sh*t about any of us.
Perhaps the way I handled it wasn't what you would have done but it worked and that's all I have to say.
thanks girls. enough said.
Edited 2/17/2004 3:42:30 PM ET by bawitdaba
She didn't have her cell phone with her, how the HECK was she supposed to call 911?
I'm sure that was the driving force behind your actions (no pun intended), but grabbing the wheel and hitting him did not lessen that danger - it could easily have resulted in an accident. Even so, I don't think you are to blame given the circumstances. But I am curious as to why you allowed him to drive you home. Had it been me, I would have gotten out of that car because you had no guarantee that he would not resume his reckless endangerment of your life. I'm glad you got home safely, and personally I wouldn't spend a moment of regret over hitting him either. It's called self-defense and he deserved much worse. It's possible you could even have him arrested for the crime of reckless endangerment of your life.
Your post reminded me of an ex who also had anger management issues. He drove way too fast, and dangerously. I hated it when he was driving and started talking about something that bothered him, but he drove that way even when he was in a good mood. I learned something from that. I'll never date a guy a second time if he drives that way on the first date and I won't even bother to explain why - because the crazy thing is that these guys think that are GOOD drivers! Go figure.
IMHO it sounds like the OP was hysterical BEFORE she got in the car. Driving 80mph is hardly a cause for hysteria - in fact, the vast majority of drivers on the highway go that speed. Now, if he was going 100mph+ the whole way, you might be justified, but 75-80 is pretty average; In fact, going "slower" than the speed of traffic is actually MORE dangerous than speeding. In other words, her "suggestion" would likely put them in MORE danger.
Blaming her irrational behavior on "emotional stress" is bunk and a cop out - The BF was also clearly under "emotional stress" too (as evidenced by his 'blowing up') - however, somehow he refrained from hitting her. It also smacks of double standards - if he had hit *her*, would there be ANY justification for it? I didn't think so.
He could just as easily have had her arrested for reckless endangerment (grabbing the steering wheel) & assault (hitting him) as she could have him ticketed for speeding (doing 80mph isn't going to get you a reckless endangerment charge). Of course, sending her to jail is generally a fast way of ending a relationship.
Slowing down (and becoming a danger to other drivers) wasn't an option; trying to rationally justify his speed to her wasn't an option (as someone said, if she's hysterical, she isn't going to be swayed by logic). Having him stop & calm down wouldn't really do anything - her issue was with his speed, whether he's going 80mph calm or going 80mph angry, she's still going to have an issue with his speed.
The only "win-win" situation that exists (that I see) that the BF could really done is if he did as fluffymutt had suggested - let her out at a gas station, and let her call a cab.
However, even then there's a good chance of him being labeled "a jerk", so I'm not exactly sure if any actual GOOD "solutions" exist.
If anyone has a real "win-win" situation and isn't just going to play the "blame game", I'd like to hear it.
I don't know where you live but
Either of them could have broken up earlier. A ton of the bad stories I hear are preceeded by statements like "He'd hit me before", "I knew she had an affair a year prior", "He had been in jail for assault", "we often fight when we drink" or "she's been seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication".
I think dropping her off would have been a good idea. I also think people don't realize that most happy couples have unresolved issues. Many of them will never be resolved. Someone driving differently than you would like is a good example. That could be a minor issue of style, or it could be life-threatening. It's hard to tell in this post. If the guy had lots of traffic citations or accidents, or was driving drunk, then I'd say he was a real problem. If he's driving 80 like everyone else, I'd say her nervousness was the problem. Generally, when you dig a bit deeper you'll find that either most people fear being a passenger with him, or that she is the only one with a problem. In this case, we don't know.
Another thing many people don't realize is that a bit of calm and self-restraint is better than large doses of attempted control via criticism, anger, or violence.
I've ridden with some scary people, male and female. I was never their passenger again. I'm sure if I'd continued to ride with them I'd have some awesome stories. However, I might have been in real danger. I chose to avoid the real danger.
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