I slapped him - very long post, sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I slapped him - very long post, sorry
53
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:55am
Girls, I slapped my now exbf of two months on valentine's day night and I need some feedback on this whole incident. I've never hit any man before really and I have some mixed feelings about what I did because I never thought hitting was justified in any way. I'm not the type of woman who loses her presence of mind, not usually. But this was different and we broke up after this evening.

Please bear with my long post, I want to be clear about why I did this.

My exbf often gets himself worked up about things and then blows up at me later... He's driven erratically when angry before and he knew it was a huge problem for me - I get very nervous when stuck in a moving car with a man who's angry - it scares me. I was very clear about this when it happened the first time.

Let me say first that I was not in the best frame of mind on valentine's day because I had a horrendously emotional day with my mom who is dying... he knew this... he knew I just wanted and needed a nice time out.

We had my dog in the car after exchanging valentine's day gifts and in heavy traffic driving 80+ mph I started getting nervous and kept asking him to slow down and be careful. He didn't. I asked again and again and told him I was nervous and getting scared and he didn't. One car flew past us, I saw a truck veer out of its lane, and my bf was driving with one hand and not always staying in his lane. At one point he accelerated to 90 mph to pass another vehicle and I could feel my adrenaline and panic. I sat there so worried that we'd crash and die... all I wanted was for him to slow down. I don't know why he didn't slow down and drive more carefully. Was I a nag? I don't know... I was getting very freaked out by the whole thing situation. I didn't understand why he couldn't just slow down.

I started asking more insistently that he slow down and he snapped at me for telling him how to drive and we spent the rest of the 80+ mph drive in silence until our exit.

Once we got off our exit and were on back industrial roads where we drove much slower, I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quiet and he started in on me - criticizing our relationship, etc. All the while he's doing this he was still driving and getting more and more angry and bitter...

He went from telling me how much he loves me to telling me how awful he thinks our relationship is and how uncomfortable he is and confused and he started giving me ALL kinds of examples as to what's wrong with me and why he's so disappointed that I'm not what he wants afterall. It went on and on and on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He essentially was working himself up into a jealous rage.

Now all this was fine with me... I have enough emotional stuff going on and if he wanted to stop seeing me - fine. My issue is that he kept driving and getting more angry and being erratic. He was hitting the wheel, spewing out more and more of his "honest" opinions of me... all negative. Some accusing questions about my past, some pleas of love for me, some just plain mean.

I literally had to keep asking him to please calm down and I finally just started bawling my eyes out from the stress of being trapped in the car with him after the terrifying drive there and the idea of driving back when he was even worse off emotionally was not an option for me. I didn't have my cell phone with me that night, either, so I felt stranded.

Then something was said (i don't even remember who said it) and he flipped out. Started gunning the engine and yelling at me that he was taking me home and that was the end of it.

Fine, I said, but you're not getting me back on the highway with you when you're this pissed off and worked up - it's not safe. Please stop the car.

The following happened in the span of a few seconds...

Even though we were only going 30mph and no other cars were around (it was in a dark, industrial area, he refused to calm down or stop the car. I finally lost it and started yelling at him to stop driving and when I tried to take the wheel and get us over to the side, he pushed me away and screamed at me to never touch the wheel and he kept driving - intent on getting back on the highway. My dog was shaking and I was damn near hysterical, no kidding. My stress levels went through the freakin' roof and there was no logic or reason I could use to get him to stop his tirade.

So while he was trying to push me off and continue driving, I slapped him and told him to "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again."

By this point, his "issues" with his work stress and school stress and "inability of me to be the woman he wants stress" became secondary -- all I cared about was that we not get on a highway to drive 80 mph again when I knew he was emotionally out of control.

I hit him real hard and he called me a f-ing b*tch and to never hit him ever again. I told him I was sorry to have hit him and that I would again if I ever felt he was unnecessarily putting my life in danger - and the life of my pet... and his, etc.

He was still intent on driving but I wouldn't let go of the wheel.

Then we pulled over and we sat in the car and I listened to him ask me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. He asked me why I wanted him. He told me I didn't act like I wanted to be with him on valentine's day and that I should prove to him that I wanted to. He continued with some of his personal insults... then he calmed down and after a while he drove me home.

We broke up after this...

Girls, I couldn't allow myself to get back on the highway again, I just couldn't. He had already scared the bejesus out of me.

He KNEW I was scared and he wouldn't listen - it was like he reveled in me being panicked.

He knows that I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control.

What would you have done? What could I have done besides slapping him?

I don't believe I regret hitting him. I can honestly say as a woman alone with an angry man that I was going to do anything to avoid that 80+mph insanity again.

I felt he would have put my safety in jeopardy had he driven and I have too many people who need me and love me for me to let that happen. It was like I was driven by pure survival instincts. The whole time with him was totally insane.

Thank you for reading.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 8:27pm
I agree with you Sheri. Going with the flow of traffic??? You can't safely drive 80+ miles an hour in heavy traffic where I live either. Not only that but the OP said he was driving one-handed and veering out of his lane while ranting and raving at her. I had an ex with similar driving habits, and in order to maintain his excessive speeds he constantly weaved in and out of lanes to pass cars with only inches to spare. He also tailgated other cars so that we'd be almost touching bumpers and that was the scariest part. Heavy traffic around here causes frequent slow downs and if you don't have enough distance from the car ahead, you can't stop in time. That idiot never learned no matter how many tickets he got or how many accidents he was in. He's a menace on the road to this day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:27pm
I disagree Sheri, I think singleguy has a point. Had she been the driver in the scenario and her boyfriend hit her, would you be coddling him and saying he was justified...I doubt it, in fact I've seen many posts that "hitting" is unacceptable in any situation...the mere fact to hit someone when they are operating "machinery" as in a car is just plain dumb and could have cost her, her life.

As far as the 80 mph...I agree...the going speed here in MA is about 70 on Route 2 which as you know is a 55 mile an hour zone and on the highways like 495 and the Mass Pike which the speed limit is 65, 80 is just about what the average speed is...don't act naive that 80 is some really huge number that only maniacs drive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:32pm
I've been in this exact situation as the poster and what I did is not escalate the situation, I didn't get hysterical, I didn't hit him and I certainly didn't decide at the precise time he was driving too fast to get into a heated discussion about everything. Actual I did the opposite, I stayed very quiet until we were off the highway, I asked him to pull into the Mobile station so I could get a drink, he agreed and I got on a payphone and called my friend to pick me up. I certainly was not going to get killed by getting hysterical and making matters worse. I stayed calm. Hitting someone while they are driving and jerking the wheel of a moving vehicle is just assinine and she could have been killed by her own actions not him. Nobody is JUSTIFYING him speeding or what not, but you all seem to justify that she did nothing wrong. There is no right or wrong here, they both escalated a situation that didn't need to be and I think telling her that she was completely in the right and that she was justified in all that she did is a huge disservice to her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:40pm
We agree on some things and disagree on others.

I think the guy didn't handle things very well. However, shouting and violence are different. I'm amazed at the number of violent incidents where the woman started the violence. I even have a friend whose ex wife was not violent until after they were married. Then she became progressively more violent and bizarre over just a few weeks. He got out quickly. If he had been a man with a different disposition, she would have been hospitalized. He is big, strong, fast, and smart. He did the smart thing by walking away from a psycho wife who hid it fairly well until marriage. Someone experienced with domestic violence would have seen the signs, but her violent tendencies weren't obvious to him at the time. Even without a psych degree, he knew the right thing was not more violence from him, but getting away from her quickly.


Maybe you think I lack empathy. I try to do people as much good as I can by giving honest opinions. Where research is useful, I cite that too.

Please don't think I lack empathy, emotion or caring when I tell a poster the problem is them, or at least they are a big part of the problem. If everyone rushes in to be "supportive", a lot of useful suggestions get missed. People can start to think they did things exactly right when they in fact did something stupid or dangerous. Worse yet, dozens of other people reading the post think that maybe they should behave the same way.

I say things because I want to help those who visit here. I take the readers into consideration, and don't just try to make the original posters feel better. If you want to say I lack empathy by not endorsing violence or endangerment on her part, go right ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:47pm
Yes, the fact that someone else did something wrong does not absolve you of any responsibility to behave in a reasonable fashion. It also doesn't absolve you of any blame for being violent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:47pm
I agree. Its amazing that its perfectly acceptable for a woman to become violent with a man but if a man was in the same position you know that every poster here would be jumping him for raising a hand to her. Its quite a double standard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:13pm
I completely agree that her actions in hitting him and grabbing that wheel were dangerous and could have resulted in the very accident she feared. However, I have been in situations of extreme fear and danger from a man, which resulted in a huge adrenaline rush. I won't go into the details here, but that chemical reaction not only gave me enormous strength but caused me to react in ways I never dreamed I would ever behave. And yes, once it included hitting a man - hard. Later, I was astonished at myself and analyzed those situations. I realized that I was not operating with rational thought at the time, just pure instinct to protect myself. It's easy to say what you would do in a situation when you are observing it from the outside, when you are not at risk, when you are not overcome with fear. Had anyone asked what I would have done in those situations before they happened, my answer would have been quite different from what I actually did. To this day I have no regrets because my actions kept me from terrible harm and probably saved my life. Having been a passenger with a dangerous driver (not the situations I referred to earlier) I know I would object strenuously and probably try to get him to stop the car if at all possible. But who knows what I'd do if he refused. I will say, though, that I would not have let that guy drive me home, but it's possible she feared being stranded more than his driving.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 12:05am

LH, that may be acceptable to some but it isn't to me. I divorced waaaaay back in 1983 because of an abusive marriage. You think women can't be abusers? They certainly can.


No, I don't condone violence or abusive of any kind directed at either women, men, children or animals. And, abuse takes many forms - physical, emotional, sexual, financial... But, when you see issues and situations such as this you can fairly well bet that their is a deep-seated anger problem stemming from other influences. It wasn't just this one particular instance.


While I don't agree that her action was the proper one, she simply reacted - she reacted to his behyavior and lashed out in the way she felt at that specific moment. No, it wasn't proper but it was understandable.


tg

 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:56am

I agree with you that doing what she did wasn't smart...I don't think my original post to her was "coddling" but rather recognizing that sometimes under the influence of major stress and fear, people do things that are not rational.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 2:01am

Saying that you understand how someone could have reacted the way they did under those circumstances (empathy) is not the same as endorsing that behavior.