I slapped him - very long post, sorry
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| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:55am |
Please bear with my long post, I want to be clear about why I did this.
My exbf often gets himself worked up about things and then blows up at me later... He's driven erratically when angry before and he knew it was a huge problem for me - I get very nervous when stuck in a moving car with a man who's angry - it scares me. I was very clear about this when it happened the first time.
Let me say first that I was not in the best frame of mind on valentine's day because I had a horrendously emotional day with my mom who is dying... he knew this... he knew I just wanted and needed a nice time out.
We had my dog in the car after exchanging valentine's day gifts and in heavy traffic driving 80+ mph I started getting nervous and kept asking him to slow down and be careful. He didn't. I asked again and again and told him I was nervous and getting scared and he didn't. One car flew past us, I saw a truck veer out of its lane, and my bf was driving with one hand and not always staying in his lane. At one point he accelerated to 90 mph to pass another vehicle and I could feel my adrenaline and panic. I sat there so worried that we'd crash and die... all I wanted was for him to slow down. I don't know why he didn't slow down and drive more carefully. Was I a nag? I don't know... I was getting very freaked out by the whole thing situation. I didn't understand why he couldn't just slow down.
I started asking more insistently that he slow down and he snapped at me for telling him how to drive and we spent the rest of the 80+ mph drive in silence until our exit.
Once we got off our exit and were on back industrial roads where we drove much slower, I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quiet and he started in on me - criticizing our relationship, etc. All the while he's doing this he was still driving and getting more and more angry and bitter...
He went from telling me how much he loves me to telling me how awful he thinks our relationship is and how uncomfortable he is and confused and he started giving me ALL kinds of examples as to what's wrong with me and why he's so disappointed that I'm not what he wants afterall. It went on and on and on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He essentially was working himself up into a jealous rage.
Now all this was fine with me... I have enough emotional stuff going on and if he wanted to stop seeing me - fine. My issue is that he kept driving and getting more angry and being erratic. He was hitting the wheel, spewing out more and more of his "honest" opinions of me... all negative. Some accusing questions about my past, some pleas of love for me, some just plain mean.
I literally had to keep asking him to please calm down and I finally just started bawling my eyes out from the stress of being trapped in the car with him after the terrifying drive there and the idea of driving back when he was even worse off emotionally was not an option for me. I didn't have my cell phone with me that night, either, so I felt stranded.
Then something was said (i don't even remember who said it) and he flipped out. Started gunning the engine and yelling at me that he was taking me home and that was the end of it.
Fine, I said, but you're not getting me back on the highway with you when you're this pissed off and worked up - it's not safe. Please stop the car.
The following happened in the span of a few seconds...
Even though we were only going 30mph and no other cars were around (it was in a dark, industrial area, he refused to calm down or stop the car. I finally lost it and started yelling at him to stop driving and when I tried to take the wheel and get us over to the side, he pushed me away and screamed at me to never touch the wheel and he kept driving - intent on getting back on the highway. My dog was shaking and I was damn near hysterical, no kidding. My stress levels went through the freakin' roof and there was no logic or reason I could use to get him to stop his tirade.
So while he was trying to push me off and continue driving, I slapped him and told him to "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again."
By this point, his "issues" with his work stress and school stress and "inability of me to be the woman he wants stress" became secondary -- all I cared about was that we not get on a highway to drive 80 mph again when I knew he was emotionally out of control.
I hit him real hard and he called me a f-ing b*tch and to never hit him ever again. I told him I was sorry to have hit him and that I would again if I ever felt he was unnecessarily putting my life in danger - and the life of my pet... and his, etc.
He was still intent on driving but I wouldn't let go of the wheel.
Then we pulled over and we sat in the car and I listened to him ask me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. He asked me why I wanted him. He told me I didn't act like I wanted to be with him on valentine's day and that I should prove to him that I wanted to. He continued with some of his personal insults... then he calmed down and after a while he drove me home.
We broke up after this...
Girls, I couldn't allow myself to get back on the highway again, I just couldn't. He had already scared the bejesus out of me.
He KNEW I was scared and he wouldn't listen - it was like he reveled in me being panicked.
He knows that I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control.
What would you have done? What could I have done besides slapping him?
I don't believe I regret hitting him. I can honestly say as a woman alone with an angry man that I was going to do anything to avoid that 80+mph insanity again.
I felt he would have put my safety in jeopardy had he driven and I have too many people who need me and love me for me to let that happen. It was like I was driven by pure survival instincts. The whole time with him was totally insane.
Thank you for reading.

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As far as the 80 mph...I agree...the going speed here in MA is about 70 on Route 2 which as you know is a 55 mile an hour zone and on the highways like 495 and the Mass Pike which the speed limit is 65, 80 is just about what the average speed is...don't act naive that 80 is some really huge number that only maniacs drive.
I think the guy didn't handle things very well. However, shouting and violence are different. I'm amazed at the number of violent incidents where the woman started the violence. I even have a friend whose ex wife was not violent until after they were married. Then she became progressively more violent and bizarre over just a few weeks. He got out quickly. If he had been a man with a different disposition, she would have been hospitalized. He is big, strong, fast, and smart. He did the smart thing by walking away from a psycho wife who hid it fairly well until marriage. Someone experienced with domestic violence would have seen the signs, but her violent tendencies weren't obvious to him at the time. Even without a psych degree, he knew the right thing was not more violence from him, but getting away from her quickly.
Maybe you think I lack empathy. I try to do people as much good as I can by giving honest opinions. Where research is useful, I cite that too.
Please don't think I lack empathy, emotion or caring when I tell a poster the problem is them, or at least they are a big part of the problem. If everyone rushes in to be "supportive", a lot of useful suggestions get missed. People can start to think they did things exactly right when they in fact did something stupid or dangerous. Worse yet, dozens of other people reading the post think that maybe they should behave the same way.
I say things because I want to help those who visit here. I take the readers into consideration, and don't just try to make the original posters feel better. If you want to say I lack empathy by not endorsing violence or endangerment on her part, go right ahead.
LH, that may be acceptable to some but it isn't to me. I divorced waaaaay back in 1983 because of an abusive marriage. You think women can't be abusers? They certainly can.
No, I don't condone violence or abusive of any kind directed at either women, men, children or animals. And, abuse takes many forms - physical, emotional, sexual, financial... But, when you see issues and situations such as this you can fairly well bet that their is a deep-seated anger problem stemming from other influences. It wasn't just this one particular instance.
While I don't agree that her action was the proper one, she simply reacted - she reacted to his behyavior and lashed out in the way she felt at that specific moment. No, it wasn't proper but it was understandable.
tg
I agree with you that doing what she did wasn't smart...I don't think my original post to her was "coddling" but rather recognizing that sometimes under the influence of major stress and fear, people do things that are not rational.
Saying that you understand how someone could have reacted the way they did under those circumstances (empathy) is not the same as endorsing that behavior.
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