I slapped him - very long post, sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I slapped him - very long post, sorry
53
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 3:55am
Girls, I slapped my now exbf of two months on valentine's day night and I need some feedback on this whole incident. I've never hit any man before really and I have some mixed feelings about what I did because I never thought hitting was justified in any way. I'm not the type of woman who loses her presence of mind, not usually. But this was different and we broke up after this evening.

Please bear with my long post, I want to be clear about why I did this.

My exbf often gets himself worked up about things and then blows up at me later... He's driven erratically when angry before and he knew it was a huge problem for me - I get very nervous when stuck in a moving car with a man who's angry - it scares me. I was very clear about this when it happened the first time.

Let me say first that I was not in the best frame of mind on valentine's day because I had a horrendously emotional day with my mom who is dying... he knew this... he knew I just wanted and needed a nice time out.

We had my dog in the car after exchanging valentine's day gifts and in heavy traffic driving 80+ mph I started getting nervous and kept asking him to slow down and be careful. He didn't. I asked again and again and told him I was nervous and getting scared and he didn't. One car flew past us, I saw a truck veer out of its lane, and my bf was driving with one hand and not always staying in his lane. At one point he accelerated to 90 mph to pass another vehicle and I could feel my adrenaline and panic. I sat there so worried that we'd crash and die... all I wanted was for him to slow down. I don't know why he didn't slow down and drive more carefully. Was I a nag? I don't know... I was getting very freaked out by the whole thing situation. I didn't understand why he couldn't just slow down.

I started asking more insistently that he slow down and he snapped at me for telling him how to drive and we spent the rest of the 80+ mph drive in silence until our exit.

Once we got off our exit and were on back industrial roads where we drove much slower, I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quiet and he started in on me - criticizing our relationship, etc. All the while he's doing this he was still driving and getting more and more angry and bitter...

He went from telling me how much he loves me to telling me how awful he thinks our relationship is and how uncomfortable he is and confused and he started giving me ALL kinds of examples as to what's wrong with me and why he's so disappointed that I'm not what he wants afterall. It went on and on and on and there was nothing I could do to stop it. He essentially was working himself up into a jealous rage.

Now all this was fine with me... I have enough emotional stuff going on and if he wanted to stop seeing me - fine. My issue is that he kept driving and getting more angry and being erratic. He was hitting the wheel, spewing out more and more of his "honest" opinions of me... all negative. Some accusing questions about my past, some pleas of love for me, some just plain mean.

I literally had to keep asking him to please calm down and I finally just started bawling my eyes out from the stress of being trapped in the car with him after the terrifying drive there and the idea of driving back when he was even worse off emotionally was not an option for me. I didn't have my cell phone with me that night, either, so I felt stranded.

Then something was said (i don't even remember who said it) and he flipped out. Started gunning the engine and yelling at me that he was taking me home and that was the end of it.

Fine, I said, but you're not getting me back on the highway with you when you're this pissed off and worked up - it's not safe. Please stop the car.

The following happened in the span of a few seconds...

Even though we were only going 30mph and no other cars were around (it was in a dark, industrial area, he refused to calm down or stop the car. I finally lost it and started yelling at him to stop driving and when I tried to take the wheel and get us over to the side, he pushed me away and screamed at me to never touch the wheel and he kept driving - intent on getting back on the highway. My dog was shaking and I was damn near hysterical, no kidding. My stress levels went through the freakin' roof and there was no logic or reason I could use to get him to stop his tirade.

So while he was trying to push me off and continue driving, I slapped him and told him to "stop this car right now before you kill all of us - I refuse to allow you to get on the highway again."

By this point, his "issues" with his work stress and school stress and "inability of me to be the woman he wants stress" became secondary -- all I cared about was that we not get on a highway to drive 80 mph again when I knew he was emotionally out of control.

I hit him real hard and he called me a f-ing b*tch and to never hit him ever again. I told him I was sorry to have hit him and that I would again if I ever felt he was unnecessarily putting my life in danger - and the life of my pet... and his, etc.

He was still intent on driving but I wouldn't let go of the wheel.

Then we pulled over and we sat in the car and I listened to him ask me to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. He asked me why I wanted him. He told me I didn't act like I wanted to be with him on valentine's day and that I should prove to him that I wanted to. He continued with some of his personal insults... then he calmed down and after a while he drove me home.

We broke up after this...

Girls, I couldn't allow myself to get back on the highway again, I just couldn't. He had already scared the bejesus out of me.

He KNEW I was scared and he wouldn't listen - it was like he reveled in me being panicked.

He knows that I can't stand being in a car with an angry man who has lost self-control.

What would you have done? What could I have done besides slapping him?

I don't believe I regret hitting him. I can honestly say as a woman alone with an angry man that I was going to do anything to avoid that 80+mph insanity again.

I felt he would have put my safety in jeopardy had he driven and I have too many people who need me and love me for me to let that happen. It was like I was driven by pure survival instincts. The whole time with him was totally insane.

Thank you for reading.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 2:27am
>>Not only that but the OP said he was

>>driving one-handed and veering out of

>>his lane while ranting and raving at her.

Another thing I'd like to point out is that this is a BIASED account of the event - these aren't just the "cold hard facts", this is a "here's MY rendition of what happened". Not to mention they're from a self-confessed 'hysterical' woman full of adrenaline, etc.

Naturally, she's not going to tell the story in a way that reflects badly on her (which is completely natural and not a reflection on her integrity in any way) - but the simple fact is, she wouldn't need to seek 'reassurance' for her actions if she was *truly* comfortable with them.

I'm sure if you go to a men's message board you might possibly find HIS rendition of the story - in which his GF has a psychotic episode, is grabbing the wheel, slapping him, and acting hysterically (simply because she's a nutcase - of course?).

The key is to figure out what REALLY happened by reading between the lines.

Who the "villian" in this story is really dependent on your POV and the amount of bias you bring into it - although from a truly neutral POV it's really a 'no fault' situation.

She's crazy, he's crazy, mistakes were made, and things went bad. It's easy to make snap judgements if you don't have the full story.

And I still haven't heard any other acceptable alternatives (aside from contention of my analysis of things -- in which the premise of the contention is that the BF is a nutcase and just likes to speed to piss his GF off).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 3:14am
I'm fascinated by the debate here and I wanted to chime in again.

Some of you are really, really missing the point. Heaven's, I don't even know where to start.

This issue isn't about customary highway driving practices OR whether it's "ok" to drive 80mph nor is it about whether I was a backseat driver and how "annoying" that is. This is not a psychological debate on what I should have done or not done OR how I contributed to the situation OR whether "hitting" is ever justified. The relationship is also irrelevant.

And to Captain Obvious who said I was partially to blame.. well, you're right on the money there, Einsten. Of course I was involved and share some responsibility, I was *there* wasn't I???? Only glitch in your reasoning is that I wasn't in control of my ultimate safety, he was. All other details to me are irrelevant because I was quite literally at his mercy if he continued directing his tirade at me.

You see, the issue I was working through in my original post was the understanding of what caused me to react with such force and the surprise I layed on myself by doing it. He wasn't the only one shocked by me hitting him, I can tell you that much. My reaction was pure survival.

That night I could not stop anything that was going on in his head. Nothing I said or did was calming him down, trust me, I tried. I also didn't have any control over the car. If we had died on the highway it would have been at his hands and that's a fact. That is how serious this situation became.

From the initial highway drive to the moment I slapped him took about 1 1/2 hours... 45 mins of horrifying driving, 45 more watching him get more and more worked up. It took me over an hour to get to the point I did. Enough was enough.

My attempt to take the wheel at 20-30 mph and maybe hitting the curb or a couple bushes or small trees was nothing compared to the horrors we could have faced in a highway accident at speeds of 80+ miles an hour with him as pissed off as he was. According to you I was supposed to accept getting back onto the highway when I knew he was enraged and God forbid I grab the wheel to stop the car - *GASP* I could have caused a fender bender involving no one but us! We damn near coulda taken out a shrub! Oh the humanity!

Listen, I was begging and pleading for him to stop the car and he refused. What more does it take than a crying, begging, pleading girlfriend for a man to realize the situation is out of control for ANY reason and that must compose himself before it goes any further? This was not a lover's spat, this was a true power struggle. I am talking about presence of mind - he had none by the time I hit him.

Geez, people, the only thing that got his attention was my hauling off and smacking him. How far gone do you think he was for that to be the ONLY thing that got his attention? Do you understand the level of insanity of the situation by the time he intended to get back onto the highway? I saw my chance and took it. My survival instincts ruled.

It is my right as a human being to expect care for my safety by a man who claims to love me. He didn't give a sh*t about that because he was pissed off. Well, too bad for the relationship but I wasn't going to die for him.

Ever been trapped in a car with an angry man? Ever been powerless flying down a highway at high speeds with that angry, erratic man at the wheel and the very life you value is at risk because he's having an emotional fit he's not even *trying* to control??

And according to some of you, once we got off the highway I should have listened calmly and and dutifully to every complaint he had about our relationship and I should have sat there taking it, all the while witnessing him go from "merely" angry to out-of-his-mind with rage.

Then I was supposed to let him get back onto the highway???

Should I have done my Starsky & Hutch imitation and lept from a moving vehicle with my dog in tow rather than trying everything I could to stop it? According to you, I was supposed to risk death of all of us and probably others for a pissed off boyfriend. I was supposed to willingly put myself in danger when there are people who need me and rely upon me to be there for them right now --- ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?????

Thank you, Sir, may I have another?

NO NO NO.

By hitting him I spoke to him in the only language understood at the time. Sure he could have hit me back or taken me out of the car and beaten me for "ahem" disrespecting him... but I knew my dog would have taken his throat out if he did anyway.

One thing I don't understand is why some of you would discuss the merits of backseat driving or nagging girlfriends when the point is that I was expressing true fear to him and he disregarded me entirely. Christ, as a man why would you deliberately encourage any kind of fear for safety in the the woman you claim to love? To get back onto that highway would have terrorized me beyond belief - it was not going to happen.

You know what? By doing what I did, I probably saved HIS life, too. I'd say that I ultimately had more regard for our safety because I was willing to do anything to preserve it. He sure as hell didn't care now, did he? He was more than happy to take me on Horrifying Highway Drive - Part 2.



Debate my methods all you will - but they worked. I was far beyond being his therapist or playing nice-nice with him. After he stopped the car, calmed himself down and that's when we had the "State of the Relationship" therapy session to his satisfaction. When he was ok to drive me home, we drove home. I felt it was ok to do so and it was.

As for the relationship, it was over in my mind the moment it hit home that he just plain didn't give a sh*t one way or the other about my well-being. The rest was a power struggle to stop the car.

As for counseling, the only counseling I might need is to figure out why I was dating him in the first place. :)

Do you understand what the point is now?

I sure hope so because I'm sick of typing about it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 4:02am
I can only say that I truly understand where you are coming from, and I'm with you on this. Don't worry about anyone's opinions that criticize you. They are wrong. Unless a person has experienced a similiar situation, or can imagine it, they'll never get it. I think you did what you felt you had to do. I have done things I felt compelled to do as well - to protect my very life. Understand that some people's opinions come from ignorance, a resistance to the thought that anyone can ever take control of them and threaten their very existence. I hope you will go to sleep now knowing that you are not alone and that you are understood.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:14am
Of course I would honor someone asking me to slow down, but by her own admission she knew he drove like this all the time and it didn’t matter, its evident this man did NOT care…so the safe thing would have been to be quiet, scared as much as she was and then as soon as they were off the highway ask to stop at a store or 7-11 not decide that was the time to rehash and get into an argument of all the woes in their relationship and before anyone jumps me and says I haven’t been in the situation, I have been several times, my ex husband was the exact same way….arguing with someone you already know is unreasonable and I suspect from her own admissions in her posts she already knew this about him is just adding fuel to the fire. I think she knew EXACTLY what was going on when she decided to escalate the confrontation further and the drama that ensued afterwards…I didn’t say she was solely to blame I said she had a part in what went on and why everything escalated. What I meant by coddling her is that you all made excuses for her behavior when in fact she instigated a lot of what went on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:18am
Boy this just proves your a bit irrational just by how you went off on this completely irrelevant tangent.

you got what you wanted, women on here stroked you and told you everything you did was justified isn't that what you were looking for? You got it...so who cares what the rest of us think..its a message board...get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:24am
Actually Terry I know exactly that there are women that abuse men (I never said there wasn’t), that wasn’t what I was saying I was calling foul on NWW **PC** answer that if it were a man striking a woman she would have said the same thing, I don’t buy it at all, if a man posted that the woman he was driving with was driving erratically and he slapped her in the face twice every woman on this board would be berating him for acting violently and I don’t buy it one bit that they wouldn’t I don’t buy it one bit that they all would tell HIM it was justified…I just don’t believe it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 8:27am
Actually Charite I did post earlier (maybe you missed it) that I indeed HAVE been in a situation just like this with my ex-husband…and he was extremely out of control in the car, I didn’t do ANYTHING to escalate the situation because I knew it would have gone from bad to worse. So I guess that theory goes right out the window. But then again if someone doesn’t agree on this board they HAVE to be wrong or NEVER have experienced the same thing right….both wrong in my case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:02am
Just thought I'd add my two cents... for fun.

I read the one post where the poster said that there was no one to blame. Perhaps the OP has a somewhat nervous personality. Perhaps the boyfriend has a inferiority complex. Perhaps it was the dog's fault and everyone should live happily ever after.

I've never been in this sort of situation. But quite frankly, people get upset. Slapping has been done before and it will be done again. I'm sure he had a lovely handprint on his face, and tomorrow he was pretty enough again to take pictures. So, I have to say, I'm not overly concerned about what the boyfriend. He essentially acted like an a**. There's Whether or not the OP was just high-strung at the time is immaterial. He was in power, he knew he was in power, and he took advantage of it. That's just wrong.

Good for you. Have yourself a glass of wine, sit down with some good music and rebuild yourself for the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 10:23am
Thanks for your suggestion. I don't need wine to make myself feel better but it was a lovely thought.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:07am

And I didn't say that what she did was smart or the right choice in the situation.