I so need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
I so need help!
7
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 11:45am
I am in the middle of a messy divorce and there is a guy who I am intertested in long-distance. I met him on the internet through our work and we became chatty, talking about politics, religion, culture, etc. We became friends and eventually, each other's best friend. Neither of us was looking. Anyway, we are 650 miles apart but got together last weekend for the first time face-to-face. Because of my current situation it is best for him to wait for me to call and he tells me I can call at work or at home any time, and I do.

He had a health scare for a few months and he tells me he wouldn't know what to do if it weren't for me and I was his angel through all of this. (It turns out he's OK.) During this scare I told him that I love him and he responded back with little effort. One time I told him I love him he he responded with "I love you so much!" He tells me he wants to be close to me for the rest of our lives, that I'll never get him out of my hair. He tells me he has never been this close with a woman, got along so well with another woman the way he does with me or had a woman with the multitude of great qualities I have. He also tells me that nobody on this Earth has ever made him feel so good about himself the way I do. He also assures me that I am extremely sexy.

He has a condo which he tells me very few people visit, it's his place for solitude. He tells me though that I can come and stay anytime I want to...just show up and knock on the door and I am more than welcome.

I know what you're thinking, Ladies. What's the problem? We got together for the first time and for a weekend last weekend. He was unable to get an erection on Friday night and tells me that given enough time, everything will fall into place. The next day, we were able to have mutual oral to completion for both with the aid of a porn video. He tells me that he has a difficult time with "casual" sex and that this is the way it has always been at the beginning with a new woman for him. Given how close we are, I am not sure how it is "casual" but that's neither here nor there. He also said that pressure (such as sexy lingerie or coming on to him) makes it difficult for him to perform. Now that I'm back, and yes, missing him, he told me in an email that we may have to lay off of the sex thing all the while assuring me that it's him who is "wrong" here and assures me it has nothing to do with my sexiness and that I am more than just a little sexy.

But, if you think like I think, I end up feeling that if I were woman enough, anything could be overcome and I have been able to do little more than cry over the past few days. I feel deficient as a woman.

He also said, at some point in the past several days, it would be different once my divorce goes through and he meets my kids. He feels like being secretive is wrong. He also says that while I am in the middle of the divorce, I need to concentrate on that and getting my life back together for the time being, rather than him. He is always there on the phone to help me work things out.

He is the perennial bachelor. He is in his mid 40s and has never been married, nor has he ever had a serious relationship with a woman. None of his relatioships have lasted more than 6 months (although when I tease him about us and "6 months" he tells me that the 6 month thing doesn't apply to me in the least). When I try to talk about the future he gets all uncomfortable and speaks in very general terms. He wants to remain a bachelor for the rest of his life and worries that I am falling in love with him, not wanting to see me heart broken. I confirmed for him that I am in love with him and that given what I have been through in marriage, I don't want another marriage either, which is very true. I just want EXACTLY what we have now, minus the blanket tug of war that ensued when I was trying have sex with him. Still, he worries about my feeling for him and he said he worries about "managing" his own feelings. I said to him that I feel he is falling in love with me and he didn't come out and deny it. I asked why we just couldn't enjoy the feelings and each other without thinking either party will end up wanting "domesticity".

Anohter worrisome point is that he has gone years without a girlfriend. Does ne not need women (incidentally, I know he's not gay)? Does he not need me? Why can't he get comnfortable with "in love" without the ball and chain down the road? Is he worth my love and effort? What do I do with this guy? What is his problem? Should I just give him time and hope that all works out in the end? Could he just be worried about my making it through the divorce OK without a lot of distraction?

Any help or light you could shed on this would be greatly appreciated!



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
In reply to: defective
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 3:24pm
Frankly I didn't get past your first paragraph but I don't need to. You're making a mistake here IMO. First, wait til the divorce is final to start dating. You're still married and if your divorce is messy you are not emotionally healthy enough to start a new relationship and have it be successful. Second, you simply cannot become a "best friend" with someone over the internet. It's not real life. You HAVE to get to know a person face to face in real life to develop a real life relationship with them. Period.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
In reply to: defective
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:07pm
I totally agree. It is never in anyones best interest to date someone until are are divorced and all completely removed from that relationship. Yours, nor his. Also, I think he has realized that things are going faster than what he has anticipated and he wants to cool things down a little bit.

I honestly would focus on getting your divorce, finding yourself outside of this marriage and then work on meeting new people.

Meeting men online is tricky. Especially if it is a long time before you meet face to face. Men get so caught up into the fantasy, that they lose touch with reality. And when you do meet face to face and reality sets in, they want to bail.

Bottom line in any case. Be careful and take care of "YOU" first.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: defective
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:46am
I am the original poster. I have been separated and embroiled in divorce issues for 11 months now. My psycho soon-to-be-ex (hopefully!) seems to have ideas that we can get back together and for that reason, has all sorts of bs issues in the divorce designed to keep it dragging on and on. I know that what he's fighting about doesn't mean 2 cents to him but it's a way to keep it going. He tells our kids that "Daddy will be back home soon" and now he has them all confused. At what point in all of this can I resume my life? Do I need to wait for my ex to grant permission for me to date by reason of getting real and finalizing things? I don't think I should have to get his permission to date. If this is still going on this time next year, should I wait? I'm not getting any younger.

I was really just trying to get somebody's take on my original questions.

Thanks.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: defective
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:51am
We have met face to face. We did so last weekend and he does not want to bail but is rather sending mixed messages. It wasn't until I met him face to face that he said, he wants to be close to me forever. That's not a bail. I'm just not sure about his own issues.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
In reply to: defective
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:13am
Sorry, if your divorce is already messy then adding someone else to the mix isn't going to help.

You met for the first time last weekend and your already having intimate encounters, this guy has issues with maintaining an erection and needed porn to get going because he is like this when he first starts "casual sex"

Sounds to me like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Not only are you still married and having a tough time getting out of that mess, you are now getting involved with someone else with issues.

Sorry I know you don't want to hear this but I think counseling is the BEST deal for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: defective
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:45am
First of all I agree with the other posters that you should not being getting romantically involved with another man while you are still married. As a matter of fact I've heard that you should wait till a year after your divorce to start pursuing a romantic relationship, otherwise the person you're seeing will just end up the "rebound" guy (not fair to him to be used in this way).

Your guy sounds like he is probably either an introvert or a guy who doesn't have "the right stuff" (emotionally) to attract a woman and keep her interested. I'm an introvert so I know all about them. We are perfectly happy to be alone, but that doesn't mean we don't want a romantic relationship should the opportunity present itself. If he is an introvert you should probably quit being so pushy and sloooooow it down. We prefer to get to know other people at a much slower pace than extraverts.

You were both engaged in crisis situations when you met and you were both needing someone at that time. Whether your relationship will last after the crises are over...who knows? Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: defective
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:32pm
OK...you guys are right. My guy is an introvert in the company of most as am I. But we're not introverted with each other. He said that he hopes to know me for the rest of his life and wants to take it slow. He is also concerned about all the I am going through in my divorce and he doesn't want to add to it. Neverthelsss, we talk just about every day.

After 19 years in a predominantly sexless marriage and then another year after separation, I'm a little sex starved! The last time I was at all intimate with a man other than my husband was in 1982 until my new guy and we saw each other over the weekend. I will take it slow though because this guy matters to me a lot!